Grrr....

[Irulan]

Sometimes you have to shop around for a group that feels right. Just because a group of women have kids the same age doesn't mean you'll have common values or interests.

I've found parent cooperatives preschools are a great way to meet moms. Theses are usually run by adult education, at least in the two cities I did this kind of program. It beat the heck out of the lap swimming mommies I was a part of - they kicked me out because my baby was fussy-, or the officially organized M.O.M.S group I checked out that was incredibly unsupportive and *****y and downright nasty if you weren't in the same room.

I suppose it would go against a professional image to say, "what's the face about, haven't you had a really great orgasm lately?"

I was a in home lingerie sales person for many years - I tended to not let that out of the bag right away just because people are so weird sometimes.

[Crankin]

A subject dear to my heart...
I had a very negative attitude toward anything "Mommy and Me." When I had my first son, I was teaching and many of the other teachers also had babies. Baby talk everywhere. So, after I had registered to take 2 English classes at ASU during summer school, arranged for day care, I got a thing in the mail from the JCC about a class for moms and toddlers. I don't know what possessed me, but I dropped the grad classes and took my kid to the group. There were like 25 women and their babies there. They also had a play group and a couples group. I started on a journey of all things toddler for 2 months! They broke me down. Everyone was nice, though much too obsessed with their kids. They thought I was weird because I dragged my kid to the gym with me to do aerobics everyday. A couple of months later, when I announced pregnancy #2 someone said," Oh, you're going to quit your job now, right?"
Like h*ll I was.
But, 25 years later and a move across the country, I still consider 3 of these people some of my closest friends. I might not see them for a year or two, but when I go back to Tempe, I slip right in and it's like I never left. Our kids have grown up remarkably similar, despite the distance.
My advice is find a group that you have something in common with and ignore the judgmental ones. I know that I never was able to "fit in" with any of my neighbors, because they were the same uptight, prudish types of moms you describe.

[Andrea]

Has anyone here been on the other side of the table? Have you been one of those that raised an eyebrow and were turned away by someone's apparent lack of morals?

I'm with everyone else on the whole situation (especially since I live in the South and encounter similar situations on a regular basis)

Just trying to hear both sides

[OakLeaf]

I've never gone so far as to get up and literally walk away. But there have been times when someone's made a racist, heterosexist or pro-war comment that I really wish I HAD had the nerve to leave, or at least to confront them.

I'm with everyone else on this particular situation though.

[Crankin]

Tahoe Dirt Girl, I understand what you are saying. It is hard to break into social circles here in MA. I say that as a native who has lived in both the west and the south. People are less transient here and are more bound up with families, parents, or the friends they have always had. It is not as bad now as when I was a kid and I think it varies from town to town. In AZ, whenever a I met a new person who I seemed to have something in common with, I invited them to dinner. Many friendships developed. When I moved back here, I tried that and everyone who I invited canceled "suddenly" before the date. I made my friends here through volunteering at my synagogue, the gym, work, and once in a great while, a parent of my kid's friends. When I moved here my kids were young, but already in school, so I was not involved with "play groups."
I say find a common interest, whether it is cycling or something else and keep trying different groups until you click.
I am now in the position of having outgrown the friends I made here 18 years ago. One in particular is like a relative that I don't want to be mean to, but I can't stand listening to. We spend most of our time with friends we met through cycling. They are a little younger than us, but they don't have kids and since ours are grown, we are all free to come and go as we please. They pretty much lead their lives around cycling, x country skiing, and eating out, so it's great. My other friends think our outdoor lifestyle is crazy and I am getting sick of their attitude.

[indigoiis]

Have you considered that they just didn't know what the heck you were talking about? I've never heard of a Passion consultant. I probably would have raised an eyebrow and said, quite bluntly, "a what?"

I always assume people just don't know, rather than assume they are being snooty. Half the time they are just confused.

I am a project manager and an alpaca farmer. It takes much explaining, cuz lots of folks don't know what a project manager does nor what an alpaca is. And then they get confused because I work at a job and yet I get home and farm.

I think you seriously need to consider your motives when announcing what you do, with the understanding that a.) some explanation may be necessary and b.) people still may not know what the heck you're talking about and c.) as with Tupperware salespeople and Pampered Chef party planners, there is a certain level of mistrust and discomfort people feel when introduced to concept work like that - especially in a group scenario (where you have the potential of not only making friends, but picking up new clients - and it begs the question whether you can be both.) I know that oftentimes when talking to local farmers about alpacas, they get uncomfortable because they think I am trying to sell them animals.

How do you make friends? Care more about how you feel about them then what you think they think about you.

[tulip]

I'm not a Mom and never will be (by choice, thankyouverymuch), and I have had several colleagues and friends turn into babytalkaholics even though they swore they never would...I have gotten up and excused myself when the babytalk got too much. Diaper stories in the lunchroom at work was just too much. They have lost all respect for the rest of us.

But I digress.

Finding people with common interests and making friends is tough, and having a kid does not automatically make common interests. I moved to a new city one year ago. I work from home, so I don't have work-related friends. My interests are gardening, kayaking, French, and cooking (oh and cycling, of course). I've met some gardeners, joined a French conversation club, and do club bike rides. I have made a few what I would call friends, but I'm pretty cautious/shy. I also like doing things on my own and do not need people around me in order to be happy; in fact, having constant company wears me out. I do have a significant other, who shares all of my interests, but he lives a few hours away.

I guess if I were yearning for company I'd seek it out a bit more, but so far, I'm not. Next week I'll be moving into my new house, and it's in a real neighborly neighborhood, which can be both a blessing and a nightmare. Luckily I have a privacy fence behind which I can retreat if I don't want to be sociable, but also a front porch for the times when I do.

I agree with indigoiis a bit. Announcing that you are a passion consultant packs alot of punch, and I would expect reactions to vary. Shock value can be quite entertaining, but it can also drive people away. I would probably find ways of excusing myself if someone were to say their job was something that I found uncomfortable (like the aforementioned evangelical snake handlers or Amway reps).

[TahoeDirtGirl]

Yeah on the other hand, I have had people say something that was opposite of what I would find tasteful and just made that mental note to just clam up. We all say weird or crazy things, and I'm so guilty of putting my foot in my mouth, but when someone says something mean or hurtful on purpose, well, that's just another story.

I remember meeting a friend's friend a few years ago, and every time she opened her mouth it was some mean comment. After my one beer maximum, I blurted out "well other than perfecting your rude disposition, what else do you like to do?". I have no idea where it came from, I'm not that quick witted. I sort of regretted saying, but the last comment was about a really overweight woman. She didn't need to go there.