Are you stupid? (parenting teens)

[KnottedYet]

I am really floored to hear that some of you find this acceptable. Wow. Just because they can be really obnoxious doesn't mean you have to accept it.
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The kid isn't allowed to be obnoxious. But he does have thoughts and feelings of his own. How he expresses those feelings is what we *can* direct. Accept that your child is forming himself, step back and allow it. Be the heavy, be the stupid, be boring and predictable. Be the anchor, but realize that he will drift according to his own currents. Be a good and solid anchor and hold fast through his storms. (you don't have to move at his urging, and you don't have to pull him in tight, you just have to be there as solid and dependable as you can be. Realize that this storm will pass.)

I like the "love and logic" series. Took a couple of the classes, too. Highly recommend them.

[mimitabby]

we got a lot smarter when our kids were about 21.
We had no name calling, but like Knot's kid, you could TELL they thought we were dumb and REALLY REALLY uncool.
Poor kid used to walk 10 feet behind us so people wouldn't notice that those dorks (us) were his parents.

it's really hard to control what your kids say to each other when you're not there. You have to take the little one aside
and explain that the older kid has this "disease" called the teen years, and you can explain about the attitude and how it's only temporary and one day the older one will be kind again.

[mupedalpusher]

Our son is now 20 and we've been through those years (yuk). We are now friends as well as parents. Partly because he has grown up and lived on his own since he graduated from high school and partly because we stood firm on our rules. He used to remind us that we couldn't "control" what he said and our response was always the same..."you're right but there will be a consequence each and every time you say or do this"! Our house was full of turmoil for about 4 years, our son was (is) very head strong but now I've nearly forgotten those years because he is such a joy again. We have lots of people tell us what a great guy he is...total payoff for the rough years. Hang in there, they come full circle.

[Lifesgreat]

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." - Mark Twain

[Tuckervill]

The kid isn't allowed to be obnoxious. But he does have thoughts and feelings of his own. How he expresses those feelings is what we *can* direct. Accept that your child is forming himself, step back and allow it. Be the heavy, be the stupid, be boring and predictable. Be the anchor, but realize that he will drift according to his own currents. Be a good and solid anchor and hold fast through his storms. (you don't have to move at his urging, and you don't have to pull him in tight, you just have to be there as solid and dependable as you can be. Realize that this storm will pass.)

I like the "love and logic" series. Took a couple of the classes, too. Highly recommend them.

That was nicely put.

I'm one who doesn't care much for the love and logic books. One of the best books I know is Parent Effectiveness Training, which contains this little gem:

"maintain the relationship"

Seems trite when they're only 14. But when they're 17 and driving and working and can REALLY mess things up bad, focusing on maintaining a bit of influence rather than control is what got us through some seriously rough patches with our 2 (and still is with our one left at home). We told ourselves a lot, "They're going to be WONDERFUL 25-year-olds!" It didn't even that long for ours--my middle will be 24 in November and he was our hardest case, and he's just blossomed in to a great person whom we never worry about anymore.

My husband says, "You can have influence, or you can have control. You can only have control for so long, and then, if you insist upon it, you wind up with neither control, nor influence. All you are really entitled to is influence."

Sometimes all you can get across is, "You're always welcome here." or "I'll love you forever." They'll come back around, if the price is not too high.

Karen

[Crankin]

Well, put Tuckerville. "You're always welcome here," is the best advice I can give. When my younger son left college to join the Marines, I tried, for like two days to erase him from my mind and house. I couldn't do it. I was furious with him. Now, after 4 years and beginning his re-enlistment, he is singing a different tune. I have full faith that he will return to school when he finishes his enlistment. There was no way I could stay mad at him. At first all I could do was "maintain" the relationship, but now we are back to normal.

[Miranda]

Those are good additional comments. I let my kids do some things now that I don't think other parents do either. I think it helped that I was my mom's surprise menopause baby, and last one. As an older parent, certain things she knew from past experience were not that important to fight about. I think the saying goes, "if you want to win the war, pick your battles wisely".

[Andrea]

More personal experience for you

I know when I was a pre-teen, I would call my mom "stupid" out of frustration when she'd make a rule that I thought was unfair, then give me a non-logical explanation as to why she'd made the rule. I always questioned authority- not rudely or disrespectfully, but would just ask "why." I wasn't trying to be a smartass (like my dad would always accuse me of, which I also deemed as "stupid"), I honestly wanted to know the logic behind the boundaries that were set for me.