broken heart how long?

[KnottedYet]

I've moved in once with someone after dating less than a year. It was a disaster. I will never Never NEVER do it again.
Please, be careful.

My ex was a real PITA, but now that we've been apart for a couple years, there are sweet little cards, presents, little notes with clippings from newspapers and magazines. (even presents for my son every birthday and Christmas)

Meanwhile, I can't get some of my precious belongings back. They've been "thrown away."

It's weird, it's kind of sick, it's very manipulative.

Exes are exes, make them stay that way in reality and in your mind. What you had always looks better when you're feeling lonely or insecure, recognize you're going to feel that way occaisionally, and just ride it out.

It does get easier as time goes by.

[shootingstar]

Time helps calm a person.

Find peace in your heart and brain first. Then you can sort out if you want to relocate with bf or figure out him/your heart, etc.

Might take awhile. If you love your log cabin and can support yourself, stay there for awhile.

[activediva]

God knows I'm the last one to follow good logical advice; I had a one night stand and then married him. 11 years later....bliss *cough* well very close to bliss.

Sounds to me like you are settling for a spark. Why not wait and dive in when you have a fire? I wouldn't make drastic changes if it meant redefining myself to fit someone else's mold. But that's just me.

Time usually heals everything and you will probably find peace and love on a different level with your ex. I think that's natural, after all, you were married. Someone special will come into your life and it will feel right, you won't have to question. And you animals will love it too!

[makbike]

Ginny,

Take care of you and your buddies. It takes time for your heart and soul to heal. Lord knows I'm still walking the road to recovery. I can honestly say with each passing day it does get better. That said, it does not mean I still don't want to walk up to my exBF and sucker punch him, lol. But the urge to do so has diminished greatly. Chrisette Michelle has a song out "The Best of Me" which talks about healing after a breakup - listen to her message. The bottom line is you have to find the best in you. If the "boy in the next town" is really your next partner he will patiently wait for you to heal and feel comfortable with the situation. Don't allow yourself to be pushed into anything. Healing is a slow possess. A good counselor, a solid group of friends and your animals will help make this journey a bit easier. Take care!

[violette]

I don't want to sound negative, but what happens if the relationship doesn't work out. What are you going to do if you've moved. You'd be left with nothing. Take your time, work out things with your ex, have closure before you rush into another relationship. I've seen many women get in trouble because they rushed into moving with someone, only to end up being in a bad relationship because they didn't know the person as well as they did.

[Duck on Wheels]

Speaking from recall of various break-ups ... having a pang now and then, even if triggered by seeing the ex, wasn't about any residual feelings for the ex. It was more about a lingering sense of lowered self-esteem that any break-up, even the ones I initiated, always seemed to leave like some metaphorical ring of scum on the bathtub. My advice is that you scrub that tub. You should feel like you're shiningly proud of yourself. You should be convinced, and not just intellectually, that the breakup was about ex's inadequacies and not any that concerned you. He was the one who withdrew into himself, was immature, hadn't learned to value you enough that the relatinoship could reach that critical momentum where each partner's own pleasure grows from pleasing the other. His loss. Your gain to be free to find that magical momentum elsewhere. The first step is to find it in yourself. Love yourself. Be proud of your achievements, of your full range of emotions, and so on ... Then, from that perspective, does your new relationship beau measure up? Are you both helping each other grow and thrive? If so, then he'll be proud of you for wanting to make a comfortable final home for your furbaby. You'll work that out and he won't pressure you to move.

[indigoiis]

Take time for yourself. Have a little fun. Enjoy your wonderful house and animals and the life that you have made for yourself. Heartache sucks but time is the ultimate fix.

Be thankful that you found out what a **** the ex was sooner rather than later. Now is the time to figure out what YOU want.

The new guy, if he is the right thing, will stick around and somehow you will come together. But I would not jump from the frying pan into the fire right now, if it were me.

[KSH]

Gosh, what a tough situation.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. Sounds like it was rough, considering you didn't seem to have any control over it at all... ya know? Really sounds like a blind side.

Well, before I give my advice... I'll let you know where I'm coming from. So you can take my advice with a grain of salt if I'm coming from a place you don't agree with.

I too was married, for 5 years. I met my ex and within a month we were engaged. I was in love and so was he. A year later we got married. My thought was "anything for love". I quit a job that required traveling and got a new job so I could be with him (that was 3 months after he and I met). I will say that the new job was better.

Well, the marriage was a lesson in tolerance. His behavior towards me deteriorated over the years, to the point where he really didn't care how he treated me towards the end.

Honestly, who he told me he was... in those first few months... didn't match who he was in reality. He said he was motivated and had goals... yea, he barely kept a job. He said he was honest and trusthworthy and would never cheat... yep he was cheating. He acted like he was confident, when in fact it was false ego... he was jealous, possessive and down right nuts at times. I could go on, but you get my point. He wasn't really who he thought he was. In fact, the total opposite.

He asked for a divorce, I asked him if he was sure... and he was... so I told him to get out. It was the happiest day of my life.

Now days, it's my belief that love doesn't come quickly. Or rather, you don't really KNOW a person until you have seen how they behave day in and day out. They can present a pretty package to you, but that package isn't the reality. It's just who they think they are.

Only with time can you see that person for who they truly are.

With all of that said... are you willing to give up your life... a good life for a man you have only known 5 months? You said you wouldn't move it weren't for him. That tells me, it's not a good choice to make.

Sure, relationships are great... I myself have a wonderful boyfriend (of 4 years and we don't live together)... but I also understand that I am OK alone. I don't NEED a man in my life. If he were gone, I would be fine. I didn't use to think that way when I was younger, before marriage. I felt like I was missing out if I wasn't totally in love. I wanted to be married. I wanted that ring on my finger to show everyone I was taken. It was like I wasn't someone unless I had someone.

Not anymore. I'm someone if I'm with a man or not. I don't care if people look at me odd for being 35 and not married. I can almost bet they are in a miserable marriage and probably wish they had a really happy life, like me.

Look, I won't even move in with my boyfriend because I don't want my life in someone else's control again. I don't want to be sitting in an apartment I have to share with someone I broke up with or who broke up with me. I don't want to sell my stuff. I don't want to give up my life for a man. I love my life more than that. I like being happy and everything being stable.

So yea, that's where I'm coming from. You may not agree with my view on love and life... thus I laid it out there when giving my advice.

I think love can wait. Why rush? Why not date a good year or so before moving in together? 5 months is nothing. I don't think you can really know someone in 5 months. You have a good life, the divorce wasn't that long ago. Why not enjoy living by yourself? Why not enjoy dating someone? Dating is fun! I have learned that a man treats you really good when they are dating you and they know you can leave them easily if they treat you badly!

[ginny]

thanks, everyone for your words of encouragement. My pony was such a love bug last night... apparently she *knew* I was having a rough day. I brought my trusty bike into town today and plan on skipping out today for a nice long ride. In general, I sort of feel like I'm making progress and healing from this lousy situation. It just amazes me how just seeing exdh reduces me to where I was six months ago. Thanks for the words of comfort girls, you are the greatest!

[mimitabby]

wow, KSH you got pretty wise. I'm not being sarcastic either. some of us go through an entire life without getting to where you are.

Gosh, what a tough situation.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. Sounds like it was rough, considering you didn't seem to have any control over it at all... ya know? Really sounds like a blind side.

Well, before I give my advice... I'll let you know where I'm coming from. So you can take my advice with a grain of salt if I'm coming from a place you don't agree with.

I too was married, for 5 years. I met my ex and within a month we were engaged. I was in love and so was he. A year later we got married. My thought was "anything for love". I quit a job that required traveling and got a new job so I could be with him (that was 3 months after he and I met). I will say that the new job was better.

Well, the marriage was a lesson in tolerance. His behavior towards me deteriorated over the years, to the point where he really didn't care how he treated me towards the end.

Honestly, who he told me he was... in those first few months... didn't match who he was in reality. He said he was motivated and had goals... yea, he barely kept a job. He said he was honest and trusthworthy and would never cheat... yep he was cheating. He acted like he was confident, when in fact it was false ego... he was jealous, possessive and down right nuts at times. I could go on, but you get my point. He wasn't really who he thought he was. In fact, the total opposite.

He asked for a divorce, I asked him if he was sure... and he was... so I told him to get out. It was the happiest day of my life.

Now days, it's my belief that love doesn't come quickly. Or rather, you don't really KNOW a person until you have seen how they behave day in and day out. They can present a pretty package to you, but that package isn't the reality. It's just who they think they are.

Only with time can you see that person for who they truly are.

With all of that said... are you willing to give up your life... a good life for a man you have only known 5 months? You said you wouldn't move it weren't for him. That tells me, it's not a good choice to make.

Sure, relationships are great... I myself have a wonderful boyfriend (of 4 years and we don't live together)... but I also understand that I am OK alone. I don't NEED a man in my life. If he were gone, I would be fine. I didn't use to think that way when I was younger, before marriage. I felt like I was missing out if I wasn't totally in love. I wanted to be married. I wanted that ring on my finger to show everyone I was taken. It was like I wasn't someone unless I had someone.

Not anymore. I'm someone if I'm with a man or not. I don't care if people look at me odd for being 35 and not married. I can almost bet they are in a miserable marriage and probably wish they had a really happy life, like me.

Look, I won't even move in with my boyfriend because I don't want my life in someone else's control again. I don't want to be sitting in an apartment I have to share with someone I broke up with or who broke up with me. I don't want to sell my stuff. I don't want to give up my life for a man. I love my life more than that. I like being happy and everything being stable.

So yea, that's where I'm coming from. You may not agree with my view on love and life... thus I laid it out there when giving my advice.

I think love can wait. Why rush? Why not date a good year or so before moving in together? 5 months is nothing. I don't think you can really know someone in 5 months. You have a good life, the divorce wasn't that long ago. Why not enjoy living by yourself? Why not enjoy dating someone? Dating is fun! I have learned that a man treats you really good when they are dating you and they know you can leave them easily if they treat you badly!

[KSH]

wow, KSH you got pretty wise. I'm not being sarcastic either. some of us go through an entire life without getting to where you are.

Well, thanks! You call it wise... others call it bitter.

Either way, my life is great and that's all that matters.

[mimitabby]

I'd call it bitter if you wouldn't have a boyfriend.


and too many women really believe they can't live without a partner. it takes
strength to find out that you really can.

[sundial]

Whoa.
Slow down there.
I don't know how old you are but my best advice is to take this time to get to know yourself and realize how strong you really are. You may find you enjoy being unencumbered.

As for this "boy", well...it's just not the right time.

+1

When I first met my now husband, I knew by the second date we were meant for each other. We've been married for 18 years.

[Crankin]

I knew I was going to marry my husband on our first date. We moved in together after a month, got engaged after 3 months, and got married after 6 months. That was almost 29 years ago.
Some said it wouldn't last, but we knew it would. I was married briefly to a real a****** before that and dated a couple of guys seriously in between. One broke my heart, but I was fine when I met my husband. I lived on my own for 3 years and it was fun, but I like being with someone. I know I can take care of myself, but honestly, after all of these years, it would be lonely. I have lots of interests and good friends, but I do spend most of my time with my husband (and our bikes).
At the age I am now, I would not rush to move in with someone like I did when I was 25. And I would think twice about giving up my house and my job.

[carpaltunnel]

ginny you have a lot of good advice from wise and experienced people in this thread. I don't have to add anything except those of us who have been through what you're going through are pulling for you. In time you'll feel better but it's not a straight upward curve, it's ups & downs. Don't get discouraged and trust your instincts. Best of luck!