Cycling couple-nutso communication

[OakLeaf]

(((((Star))))), I'd be terribly hurt.

Tucker, I couldn't disagree more. If one member of a couple is using the existence vel non of a legal relationship between the couple and the State (which is all a marriage is) to define the emotional boundaries of the relationship, that's a huge problem in itself.

[lph]

This all depends on what they've agreed on, explicitly or implicitly. Personally I'd be hurt and very surprised. But some people would be hurt by some of the things we (my dh and I) accept from each other.

[tulip]

My ex and I had very different interests. He is a musician, so he would do music things (buy guitars, form jazz ensembles, go to workshops, schedule gigs, etc.) without much of my input. I bought a custom bike without much of his input. Notice, he's my ex. We didn't take separate vacations, though.

My current partner and I have very similar interests, a huge one being cycling. One of the things that is so enjoyable is talking and planning and doing things around cycling. I can't imagine either of us taking a separate vacation, not to mention a cycling vacation. We are not married, and don't even live together, and our finances are separate...but we do things together more than my ex and I did after 17 years of coupledom, 13 of those married.

(I do like the idea of starting a bicycle consulting firm...and then writing off bike trips to Europe.)

Your situation just doesn't jive with me. Something isn't right.

[kat_h]

Your husband reminds me a bit of mine, shootingstar. My husband generally doesn't talk much, so he tends to not mention things a lot. One time I got annoyed because he bought a new cell phone and contract without discussing it. When I got annoyed he pointed out that he had mentioned it. About a week before buying it he had said "I'm thinking about getting a new phone." and I had said "Oh" and promptly forgot about it. Turned out that his idea of talking about it meant mentioning it and my idea of talking about it meant discussing it. I just talk more than he does though, so that makes sense.

If your husband was sure that you wouldn't mind him doing these things he probably didn't see any reason to ask you about them in advance. He just mentioned them when they came up in conversation.

[LBTC]

ShootingStar - have you talked to your partner about how these decisions made you feel? Whether they are acceptable to the rest of us is immaterial to your relationship, but how you feel about it is paramount. Talk about it. Try to find out how his mind works about these things. Let him know how they made you feel. I'm sending you butterflies in blue and orange and glittering purple, and hugs, too,
~T~

[mimitabby]

In the beginning of our marriage, DH bought me expensive gifts at very bad times (when we were broke!!) he also bought things for himself. I had to get him to sign an agreement to TELL me before he spent over X dollars. 30 years later, X is greater than it used to be, but we do both tell each other before we buy large ticket items.

[Tuckervill]

(((((Star))))), I'd be terribly hurt.

Tucker, I couldn't disagree more. If one member of a couple is using the existence vel non of a legal relationship between the couple and the State (which is all a marriage is) to define the emotional boundaries of the relationship, that's a huge problem in itself.

I think socially, intellectually and emotionally, the legal state of marriage carries more weight than we like to admit. It's all well and good to be enlightened about what the "piece of paper" really means, but most people just aren't.

Karen