Long Pity Party, help!!!

[DDH]

Yes, I want to go back to work, but I would like to work at the school so my schedule is somewhat around my DS. My husband being an LEO has a somewhat iratic schedule, and the town we live in (we live in a military town) there is no industry so the job prospects are limited to jobs that want you to be flexible (fast food, grocery stores Wal-mart) stuff like that. That is hard for me, because although a lot of people think that when kids get older they don't need you as much, I think they need supervison all the more but for different reasons.
If I worked a crazy schedule along with DH and his crazy schedule meaning weekends and holidays, he would be home (IMO) way to much by himself and a lot of time, to me, that is borrowing trouble.
But yes, If I could get my MIL into assisted living or some hired help, and am able to get on at the school, I most definetely want to go back to work. I'm more than ready. I know I am limiting myself but the school would be the best even if I just worked in the cafeteria.
Yes, I can walk to my MIL's but most times when I am going up there it's to take her to appt's or get her groceries. They dont' have grocery delivery here. In fact a lot of the services other towns have, this one does not. They have a HOP service but it doesn't come out here.
I have called the Area Agency for the Aging and waiting on a call back from them, but again, her income level is to high for assistance from them, but I am sure they can give me some ideas and suggestions.

I plan to make a chore list for this house but it will be later in the week. I just got back a bit ago from an appt with MIL and now want to go ride, and tomorrow is another appt and it is out of town so most of the day tomorrow will be tied up, so Wednesday will be my first free day.

[tulip]

The Aging Agency is there to help you, your family, and your MIL, not just financially. So even if she's not eligible for certain subsidized programs, she still can participate in activities and you can still get caretaker support (even if it's just talking to others in your position and learning about your options!). The Agency is not just for people with low incomes. Ask them what options are available for you and for her. They are the professionals in this field and that's what they are there for!

Don't get me wrong--there's nothing wrong with being a SAHM. If you can't work in exercise now, then it would be harder if you are working, unless you had other supports discussed above, but still it's adding another layer. I just meant, you know, down the road, if you wanted to work in something that interests you, that you should look into it and not let things keep you from pursuing your dreams. And I meant working part time while the DS is in school, that way you would be home when he's home. I agree on that wholeheartedly.

You are to be commended for all your hard work and patience. I hope you can work in time for yourself soon! I couldn't stand to be with my (now ex) MIL, much less have to take care of her!

Have a good bike ride!

[Flybye]

Now, help me not feel so badly about it. I try to live my life so I dont have regrets later but now I'm living with frustration and resentment. Gosh the things we can let our minds do to us.

Okay, I'll see what I can do - when you are on your deathbed and you look back on your life, will you regret finding help for you and for her? iWill you wish you would have got out more and kicked some of your big bad goals in the a$$ ???

Now were talkin'!

PS - Dear me, get back to work. Leave the forum. NOW!

[Grog]

Get a tandem with panniers and get the MIL to cycle with you to the grocery store.

[Tuckervill]

That is hard for me, because although a lot of people think that when kids get older they don't need you as much, I think they need supervison all the more but for different reasons.
If I worked a crazy schedule along with DH and his crazy schedule meaning weekends and holidays, he would be home (IMO) way to much by himself and a lot of time, to me, that is borrowing trouble

I hear you. My youngest is 14 and has never been to school, and I don't see that changing any time soon. I have worked part time on and off since his birth, but only when we absolutely needed the money. We don't, now. We like our life as it is. I stay home to facilitate his education, and I can't imagine how different and disruptive it would be for him if I weren't here as much. He'd adjust eventually, but why put him through it if I don't have to?

I am looking forward to when he's independent of me, however. I have time to prepare myself for what I want to do with my time when he's gone. Sometimes I want to get a career--except then I think about working full time and it really is a disincentive! Can't imagine staying home without a kid here, though.

I, too, worked with the seniors at one point. There should be a place for your MIL at the senior center, and they should be able to come pick her up on occasion for her appointments or grocery runs. In fact, that's what I did when I worked there--drove the van all over rural Grant County, AR, picking up people from their country homes. She can at least go into the center and make some friends!

Good luck!
Karen

[Pyannyplayer]

Donna:

Keep in mind that the Area Agency on Aging will have ALL SORTS of information for you in order to help her - free or not. The Senior Center would be a nice place for her to go have lunch and make some friends; they also would have some activities for her that might help her WANT to get out and be with other people.

My MIL (who financially is doing really well at 88 years young!) has a senior companion come once a week who takes her to get her hair done, grocery shop, doctor, etc.; she has three ladies come every other week to clean for $50 a month (she has macular degeneration as well and can't hear very well either!). Since she's alone, she spends a little extra money on her food and has the Schwann's Man deliver once a month. She joined a water aerobics class and several other older ladies pick her up and they all have lunch after class. Her church has someone pick her up every Sunday for services as well as weekly Bible study, and, well, all WE do for her is have her over at least two nights a week for dinner. I feel like such a slacker, to be really honest! However, it's made us ALL so much happier. It may take some digging to find help for her, but it's there regardless of income and assets. We kid around about my MIL, BTW, that she has a busier social life than we EVER will! Our population is only about 15,000 - according to my husband, anyway - so we're not in a large city either.

I'd like to add to something that I believe FlyBye said about when WE are older and even maybe gone and people remember us:

I don't want to be remembered by my family for having a perfectly clean house (like THAT would ever happen) or for all the things I did out of obligation or whatever. I want my boys to remember things like, "My mom was so cool doing her first tri; I wouldn't have missed it for anything. I didn't know she could BIKE SO FAST! Did you see her pass that BUFF GUY?"; "My Mom goes to all my games and concerts and stuff and cheers for me. It's kind of embarassing, but she does it anyway", or "My Mom always spent time doing stuff with us. Remember the time we...?" THAT'S what I want them to remember (these are actual quotes, BTW, from my TEENAGE BOYS!!).

Okay, off my soapbox. If you need any help finding information or whatever, let us know. We're all here to help you. Big hugs for you, too. I know it's tough, but we'll help any way we can.

Lorie

[Tuckervill]

I don't want to be remembered by my family for having a perfectly clean house (like THAT would ever happen) or for all the things I did out of obligation or whatever. I want my boys to remember things like, "My mom was so cool doing her first tri; I wouldn't have missed it for anything. I didn't know she could BIKE SO FAST! Did you see her pass that BUFF GUY?"; "My Mom goes to all my games and concerts and stuff and cheers for me. It's kind of embarassing, but she does it anyway", or "My Mom always spent time doing stuff with us. Remember the time we...?" THAT'S what I want them to remember (these are actual quotes, BTW, from my TEENAGE BOYS!!)

YEAH, BABY!

My dad is 73 this year, and we still go camping and canoing together with my kids, who are now grown and grew up doing it. They have great memories of my dad from when they were children (as do I--see my avatar), and they have great memories of him as adults. I want to be like that for my grandchildren, too.

He has his moments that we all groan about, but they're outnumbered by the happy ones. My mom, on the other hand, causes more groans than joy, and then wonders why we don't want to go see her?

Who would I much rather be like? My dad, of course.

Karen

[litgirl]

I completely understand where you are coming from I have two children. I drop off my 8 year old at school and then I have my 2 year old at home. I'm also working on developing my publishing business. Whenever i think about going to the gym in the morning, either my younger son has a cold (in which case I can't take him to the gym) or I have so many deadlines I can't fit in working out. Personally we've taken drastic steps. We sold our second car and we are getting an xtracycle for me to take my older son to school on so I have to get some exercise during the day. I don't know how far away you are from your son's school but you might want to look into that. Even if you only do it a few times a week you will feel sooo much better.

Good luck I know how difficult it can be. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have to deal with parents also.

[Bad JuJu]

Okay, I'll see what I can do - when you are on your deathbed and you look back on your life, will you regret finding help for you and for her? iWill you wish you would have got out more and kicked some of your big bad goals in the a$$ ???

This reminds me of that question we're supposed to ask ourselves to determine whether we have our priorities straight: if you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you be sorry you hadn't done? Your answer to this question may help you make some decisions, and then some steps toward meeting your goals.

OTOH, as we all know, none of this is going to be easy. It's hard to not only break your own bad habits but also to guide others into new habits. Baby steps, as you know, are the answer there.

And one last thing: re: your guilt over DH having a job and your being a SAHM: You have a job, too! It happens to be homemaking, and you happen to do it at home and don't get paid for it, but that doesn't mean it's less of a job. The things you do at home and with MIL and DS make it possible for DH to do the job he does. Don't discount your labor just because it's unpaid labor. In the same way in which you want to avoid overloading DH at home because he works so hard at his job, YOU, too, should not be overloaded--because you're working so hard at YOUR job.

Just my two cents. I hope you're able to make some useful changes.

[tulip]

Re: your job as a SAHM. It is a job, a real job, that requires the same approach as if it were a paid job.

You are the Manager of your household (the corporation), and of your family (your team). What do good managers do? They DELEGATE! Figure out what you can delegate, and then manage your team.

[mimitabby]

I completely understand where you are coming from I have two children. I drop off my 8 year old at school and then I have my 2 year old at home. I'm also working on developing my publishing business. Whenever i think about going to the gym in the morning, either my younger son has a cold (in which case I can't take him to the gym) or I have so many deadlines I can't fit in working out. Personally we've taken drastic steps. We sold our second car and we are getting an xtracycle for me to take my older son to school on so I have to get some exercise during the day. I don't know how far away you are from your son's school but you might want to look into that. Even if you only do it a few times a week you will feel sooo much better.

Good luck I know how difficult it can be. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have to deal with parents also.

Hey Litgirl, welcome to TE. I don't think she's going to put that 13 year old on the back of an xtracycle anytime soon. It sounds like you've worked out a pretty sweet deal getting down to just one car though!