Long Pity Party, help!!!

[Pyannyplayer]

I used to work for an Area Agency on Aging which can help you get some services for you MIL, such as a senior companion to take her places, in home care to help with housework, etc. Google Texas Area Agency on Aging or try this link:

http://www.dads.state.tx.us/contact/aaa.cfm

They have a county list and who to contact for that county. It is a service that should be free to her; there may be a slight fee for a senior companion or respite services, but otherwise, no cost.

Most states will have a caseworker come out and assess her needs. Most of the AAA's are there to help citizens over 60 that have no other resources. There are programs that help the primary caregiver (you) as well. You definitely need YOU time or you're going to burn out.....fast.

As far as all the other stuff: at my house Friday after school is housecleaning day. Each of my sons is assigned a bathroom, their room, and their laundry. No fun time until it's done. My husband vacuums, cleans our bathroom, and supervises. I take care of cooking, cleaning the kitchen, buying groceries, etc. Our boys take turns clearing the table and loading the dishwasher after meals; Sundays my husband does all of that. We all work hard, but as I tell my boys, I don't dirty their room, bathroom, etc., and they eat too so they need to help tidy up. I want them to be self sufficient once they're out of the house and, well, honestly, I can't do it all. I have lowered my standards "slightly", but all in all, they do a good job and it helps me out. It also makes me happier and I don't feel nearly as guilty about taking time for me (which makes me a better wife, mother, and person).

Just my thoughts. I know it's hard, but the time for you is important. It's important for all of us...young, old, male, or female....

Lorie

[DDH]

Thanks so much. I contacted them and left a msg regarding my MIL and we will see. I know that she will not be elgible for any assistance because of her income level and her assets, but at this point, she can start paying someone. She refuses to make a decsion about going into assisted living, but complainss about things being to hard for her and her not being able to handle it. You know how you get to the point that people disgust you when they won't do anything to help or change their situation and just wallow in it. I'm there!! I feel for her, but she refuses to do anything to change it and won't listen to sugestions or offers that she doesn't want to hear.
I just can't do it all and my DH cannot quit his job to take care of her either. So I get stuck and I'm just going to have to put my foot down. She has the money to hire help and that is what she needs to start doing.
Now, help me not feel so badly about it. I try to live my life so I dont have regrets later but now I'm living with frustration and resentment. Gosh the things we can let our minds do to us.

I'm going on a bike ride it always make me feel better.

[Flybye]

Now, help me not feel so badly about it. I try to live my life so I dont have regrets later but now I'm living with frustration and resentment. Gosh the things we can let our minds do to us.

Okay, I'll see what I can do - when you are on your deathbed and you look back on your life, will you regret finding help for you and for her? iWill you wish you would have got out more and kicked some of your big bad goals in the a$$ ???

Now were talkin'!

PS - Dear me, get back to work. Leave the forum. NOW!

[Bad JuJu]

Okay, I'll see what I can do - when you are on your deathbed and you look back on your life, will you regret finding help for you and for her? iWill you wish you would have got out more and kicked some of your big bad goals in the a$$ ???

This reminds me of that question we're supposed to ask ourselves to determine whether we have our priorities straight: if you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you be sorry you hadn't done? Your answer to this question may help you make some decisions, and then some steps toward meeting your goals.

OTOH, as we all know, none of this is going to be easy. It's hard to not only break your own bad habits but also to guide others into new habits. Baby steps, as you know, are the answer there.

And one last thing: re: your guilt over DH having a job and your being a SAHM: You have a job, too! It happens to be homemaking, and you happen to do it at home and don't get paid for it, but that doesn't mean it's less of a job. The things you do at home and with MIL and DS make it possible for DH to do the job he does. Don't discount your labor just because it's unpaid labor. In the same way in which you want to avoid overloading DH at home because he works so hard at his job, YOU, too, should not be overloaded--because you're working so hard at YOUR job.

Just my two cents. I hope you're able to make some useful changes.

[tulip]

Re: your job as a SAHM. It is a job, a real job, that requires the same approach as if it were a paid job.

You are the Manager of your household (the corporation), and of your family (your team). What do good managers do? They DELEGATE! Figure out what you can delegate, and then manage your team.

[tulip]

Pyannyplayer gives very good advice on the Area Agency on Aging. Go talk to them!!

Did I read in one of these that your MIL lives 300 yards away? Can you possibly walk there to incorporate exercise (and relieve stress)?

Some grocery stores offer delivery service, like Pea Pod. You order groceries on line and they deliver them for a small fee. DO THIS--for you and for your MIL!

Speaking of the MIL, sounds like she's isolated and depressed. Area Agency on Aging will have resources to deal with this--activities, support, etc.

Schedules are very important in running a household. Everyone (DH included) should have their schedules posted somewhere central. That way, you know their schedule, and THEY KNOW YOURS! Make an appointment with yourself every day, and keep that appointment. It's very rude to break appointments, you know .

And if your house isn't perfect, so what? Ask yourself that alot: SO WHAT? If it's important, it will matter. If it's not, it won't.

Where to begin with DS? Start with a family meeting. You call the meeting, you set the agenda, you run the meeting. DS can help with laundry (certainly his own) and helping out with cooking and cleaning, mowing the lawn, trash. Be specific--expectations should be clear. He can help you cook, and in this way he learns how to cook. If he doesn't cut the carrots just so...SO WHAT!

It sounds like your DH does work very hard at his job, but he also is a part of your family. I actually enjoy the post-dinner cleanup with my partner because it gives us some time to talk.

Okay, I have one more question. Why are you still a SAHM when your DS is 13? Everyone has their own reasons, of course, but the main one that I always hear is, "to raise my kids." But your kid is in school most of the day, and is old enough to not need constant mother-presence. Going back to work may not be what you want to do, but if you could (and the MIL had some other support and the DS did chores), would you WANT to? Just a question.

[DDH]

Yes, I want to go back to work, but I would like to work at the school so my schedule is somewhat around my DS. My husband being an LEO has a somewhat iratic schedule, and the town we live in (we live in a military town) there is no industry so the job prospects are limited to jobs that want you to be flexible (fast food, grocery stores Wal-mart) stuff like that. That is hard for me, because although a lot of people think that when kids get older they don't need you as much, I think they need supervison all the more but for different reasons.
If I worked a crazy schedule along with DH and his crazy schedule meaning weekends and holidays, he would be home (IMO) way to much by himself and a lot of time, to me, that is borrowing trouble.
But yes, If I could get my MIL into assisted living or some hired help, and am able to get on at the school, I most definetely want to go back to work. I'm more than ready. I know I am limiting myself but the school would be the best even if I just worked in the cafeteria.
Yes, I can walk to my MIL's but most times when I am going up there it's to take her to appt's or get her groceries. They dont' have grocery delivery here. In fact a lot of the services other towns have, this one does not. They have a HOP service but it doesn't come out here.
I have called the Area Agency for the Aging and waiting on a call back from them, but again, her income level is to high for assistance from them, but I am sure they can give me some ideas and suggestions.

I plan to make a chore list for this house but it will be later in the week. I just got back a bit ago from an appt with MIL and now want to go ride, and tomorrow is another appt and it is out of town so most of the day tomorrow will be tied up, so Wednesday will be my first free day.

[tulip]

The Aging Agency is there to help you, your family, and your MIL, not just financially. So even if she's not eligible for certain subsidized programs, she still can participate in activities and you can still get caretaker support (even if it's just talking to others in your position and learning about your options!). The Agency is not just for people with low incomes. Ask them what options are available for you and for her. They are the professionals in this field and that's what they are there for!

Don't get me wrong--there's nothing wrong with being a SAHM. If you can't work in exercise now, then it would be harder if you are working, unless you had other supports discussed above, but still it's adding another layer. I just meant, you know, down the road, if you wanted to work in something that interests you, that you should look into it and not let things keep you from pursuing your dreams. And I meant working part time while the DS is in school, that way you would be home when he's home. I agree on that wholeheartedly.

You are to be commended for all your hard work and patience. I hope you can work in time for yourself soon! I couldn't stand to be with my (now ex) MIL, much less have to take care of her!

Have a good bike ride!

[Grog]

Get a tandem with panniers and get the MIL to cycle with you to the grocery store.

[Tuckervill]

That is hard for me, because although a lot of people think that when kids get older they don't need you as much, I think they need supervison all the more but for different reasons.
If I worked a crazy schedule along with DH and his crazy schedule meaning weekends and holidays, he would be home (IMO) way to much by himself and a lot of time, to me, that is borrowing trouble

I hear you. My youngest is 14 and has never been to school, and I don't see that changing any time soon. I have worked part time on and off since his birth, but only when we absolutely needed the money. We don't, now. We like our life as it is. I stay home to facilitate his education, and I can't imagine how different and disruptive it would be for him if I weren't here as much. He'd adjust eventually, but why put him through it if I don't have to?

I am looking forward to when he's independent of me, however. I have time to prepare myself for what I want to do with my time when he's gone. Sometimes I want to get a career--except then I think about working full time and it really is a disincentive! Can't imagine staying home without a kid here, though.

I, too, worked with the seniors at one point. There should be a place for your MIL at the senior center, and they should be able to come pick her up on occasion for her appointments or grocery runs. In fact, that's what I did when I worked there--drove the van all over rural Grant County, AR, picking up people from their country homes. She can at least go into the center and make some friends!

Good luck!
Karen

[Pyannyplayer]

Donna:

Keep in mind that the Area Agency on Aging will have ALL SORTS of information for you in order to help her - free or not. The Senior Center would be a nice place for her to go have lunch and make some friends; they also would have some activities for her that might help her WANT to get out and be with other people.

My MIL (who financially is doing really well at 88 years young!) has a senior companion come once a week who takes her to get her hair done, grocery shop, doctor, etc.; she has three ladies come every other week to clean for $50 a month (she has macular degeneration as well and can't hear very well either!). Since she's alone, she spends a little extra money on her food and has the Schwann's Man deliver once a month. She joined a water aerobics class and several other older ladies pick her up and they all have lunch after class. Her church has someone pick her up every Sunday for services as well as weekly Bible study, and, well, all WE do for her is have her over at least two nights a week for dinner. I feel like such a slacker, to be really honest! However, it's made us ALL so much happier. It may take some digging to find help for her, but it's there regardless of income and assets. We kid around about my MIL, BTW, that she has a busier social life than we EVER will! Our population is only about 15,000 - according to my husband, anyway - so we're not in a large city either.

I'd like to add to something that I believe FlyBye said about when WE are older and even maybe gone and people remember us:

I don't want to be remembered by my family for having a perfectly clean house (like THAT would ever happen) or for all the things I did out of obligation or whatever. I want my boys to remember things like, "My mom was so cool doing her first tri; I wouldn't have missed it for anything. I didn't know she could BIKE SO FAST! Did you see her pass that BUFF GUY?"; "My Mom goes to all my games and concerts and stuff and cheers for me. It's kind of embarassing, but she does it anyway", or "My Mom always spent time doing stuff with us. Remember the time we...?" THAT'S what I want them to remember (these are actual quotes, BTW, from my TEENAGE BOYS!!).

Okay, off my soapbox. If you need any help finding information or whatever, let us know. We're all here to help you. Big hugs for you, too. I know it's tough, but we'll help any way we can.

Lorie