Quote Originally Posted by run it, ride it View Post
Backstory:

I did a real number on my clavicle last May. It was my fifth or sixth time on a mountain bike. The surgeon screwed me back together, I recovered easily from the ordeal and started riding again with the usual bravado. Then I had the hardware removed in November, and the bone re-fractured the day after surgery without provocation. Turns out I'm not invincible.

Pain never bothered me. I went through the first fracture without complaint. It was the circumstance of the second break that gave me pause--I'd just moved my elbow out slightly and CRRR-SNAP, seven months of healing bone collapsed. After the first fracture my surgeon had been after me to take it EASY, but the second fracture was another story. I just couldn't believe, after how careful I'd been the first time around, that my body was really so fragile. I refused to raise my arm above my head until my surgeon lifted it there himself in February, saying,

"Hey, if it's gonna break again, this is the place for it to happen!"

It looks healed, it FEELS healed, but it looked and felt healed when I had the plate taken out, too. My surgeon had never seen anything like what happened with me. We're still on uncertain ground for healing time. Technically, my only concern now is screw holes filling in. I am allowed back on a bike. When I was allowed back on the bike after the first fracture I leaped on quicker than a Thoroughbred out of the start gate. Second time around, I'm wary.

The positioning after break #2 was okay, so I didn't have another plate put in. But that also meant there was nothing to stabilize the bone. I consciously held back my shoulder for every second of the day and barricaded myself safely in pillows at night for months.

I still pathologically hold my shoulder in place even though the bone is once again intact. My shoulder feels like it's full of golf balls. I am still scared to do overhead physio exercises (the bone clicks and cracks and scares the hell out of me) and am on my way to a rotator cuff injury if I don't get on track. Logically I know this. I know the imbalance can be corrected with good training, rehab and massage therapy. I know reconditioning will be a long hard road, but I will get back to where I was. I know.

Here is the problem: the weather is above freezing and I've been back on the road bike, but I have a lot of work to do to catch up with the riders I usually go out with. I have exercise-induced asthma. It gets better with training and is characterized by a gradual constricting of my windpipe. I know when I've reached my limit and I let off. The more relaxed I am, the less it affects me. I am sure it's more than 50% mental. Running in the past week has not provoked it.

But on my last ride I had an asthma attack like never, ever before. I'd gone out with another guy who also needed some major re-conditioning. The pace was slow, but we got lost and ended up riding much further than planned. We were exhausted but good-humoured about it. Still, I felt anxious at how slow my hills were, concerned I was slowing him down... Up one of the last hills, my throat just closed. No warning, no gradual tightening. I panicked, undid my helmet strap and pulled away my balaclava. This wasn't exercise-induced. I was panicking. I thought maybe I was wanting or needing to sob, to cry. I gave into the impulse and my throat only closed tighter.

I didn't stop riding, as I felt I had to try to remain calm as possible, steady steady steady--as though stopping would be acknowledging the asthma and letting it consume me. It eased a little. The remainder of the ride was on-and-off asthma. I have never carried an emergency puffer--I knew my limits! But this was uncontrollable, unpredictable.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am sure the change in asthma is due to residual fear about my clavicle and frustration at my lost conditioning. Can this be fixed with good training and time? I wasn't afraid of falling off the bike, I was afraid and frustrated, I think, that I have lost too much conditioning to regain, or that I will always be injured, or that I will never heal. Now I am afraid about the asthma.

Will time heal all? You ladies are tough athletes, compassionate individuals, and have come through incredible amounts of physical, emotional and mental duress.

I trust you will have some words of wisdom!

Finally admitting fear,
RR
First off, do you have an inhaler?

I was diagnosed with EI asthma after similar episodes in my first spring of biking. I got an inhaler and used it before, and sometimes again during strenuous rides. As my fitness level improved, I found I did not need it during warmer weather. Now I'm starting my 3rd season and I didn't use it all at this spring. So it leads me to the question - did I really have EI asthma, or was I just very unfit, or was it a panic attack combined with gasping for breath due to being unfit, or was it a combination?

I guess my point is - if my breathing difficulties were in part anxiety exacerbating the asthma (and I believe they were), then I still found using the puffer to help me, even it was actually a placebo effect. If I'm going on a really hard climbing ride, and temps are below 8 celcius, I carry my puffer. It puts me at ease. I think I'm less worried about, I'm more relaxed and it's less likely to happen.