Helping a disabled sibling, how far would you help?

[shootingstar]

I have a female friend (49), an ex-cyclist. There is a reason for x-cyclist: shehas partial permanent brain injury after a malpractice surgical procedure originally for cancer. So 2 major injuries/illnesses rolled in one. She nearly died in surgery.

Case is going through courts....but won't receive court hearing until in 2 yrs. Not surprising if you understand how the court system works. Meanwhile she has to see a battery of rehab. specialists/neurologist and take some drugs daily. She no longer can balance to cycle, she cannot jog, cannot eat certain foods freely and has a tough time focusing on reading and writing after 1/2 hr. Most recently she's had to give up alot of her Turbojam where she lost 30 lbs. from ethusiastically embracing it for about 2 yrs.

She can no longer draw much...she graduated from a top national art college a few decades ago.

Currently she is desperately hanging onto her own biz....a jewellery engraving business which she runs herself..for past 25 yrs. She is also a single, divorced mom, has been for past 8 yrs. or so. Children are in early 20's, they live part-time with dad.

She can barely bring herself to go to the food bank. But I told her by phone (she lives 4,000 kms. away from city where I moved from), that she just go. Her great joy in food shopping nowadays is finding a small bag of purple potatoes for $1.00.

She's making relunctant moves to sell her home. It's costing her ...the long-term medical specialized care. (CAnada's healthy care system is NOT completely free forever.)

Appallingly she has several siblings (older than her) who live within a 20 kms. radius. Not that one would expect automatically money loan, but not even give her some food???

HOw far would you assist a sibling if one of them was affected like this but not living under the same roof as you? I would give some groceries since I always seem to have extra...even when I was single.

[singletrackmind]

Under circumstances such as you describe, as much as I possibly could without driving my own family bankrupt. I'm pretty close to my sisters, though.

[Possegal]

Wow, your friend has had a horrible time of it, hasn't she? Prayers to her!

That said, I've learned that the response of siblings will run the gamut! Since my sister was diagnosed with cancer in May, I've driven back and forth to PA to help her, take her to drs, help her make decisions about the next step, and just spend time with her, probably once every 3-4 weeks. I backed out of some work opportunities (no extra money, but higher profile) because she needed my attention more. I was there for nearly 4 weeks when she had a failed surgery to try and remove the tumor. In the meantime, our oldest brother (younger than my sis though) was at her house for hours the night before her 22 january surgery, and she hasn't seen or heard from him since then. He lives 2 miles from her house. I don't even begin to get it.

Were this my sister, I'm sure I'd be doing a lot. I'd be helping her as best I can. One thing I've done with my sister is just pay for a lot of things. I've yet to write a check, but she knows I will if she needs it. I'd refinance my house if I had to. But that's me. But for now, I think she doesn't feel so bad that I pay for the groceries I ran out to get for her. Or I pick up the tab at the restaurant. I think she feels better knowing that my other sister and I won't let them go into financial ruin. My older brother, hell, knowing him he'd probably hit her up for a loan while she's out on disability. But, that's just him.

I wish your friend had a more helpful set of siblings. I find with my sister that a little goes such a long way. Sometimes I think just the phone calls alone are a huge help. But also, I think it helps her that she knows I will be there if the finances ever get too much. And I know she won't take advantage of that either. i bet if your friends siblings would just do like you said, drop off some groceries, she'd feel so much better. Or invite her to dinner on a regular basis, one less meal she has to make for herself. Like I said, a little goes a long way.

Heck, friends of mine back home have offered to bring food over! Right now, my sister is holding her own and she LOVES to cook. So that isn't needed. But if it were, I know my friends would be bringing groceries and so would SOME of my siblings. Just can't say they all would.

Not sure if any of that helps or answers your question, but I do hope your friend has better times ahead of her!

EDIT - I should add that I'm single and so no one's well being but mine is dependent on my finances. I wouldn't ruin my own, but I'd go a long way to help my sister with money if she needed it. So I do expect to be the one who can offer her more, I'm just amazed that there is one who offers her nothing. When just a phone call or visit would do immense good.

[Veronica]

I guess it depends on what you have. We paid for a new heating system for my mom, the rental of two large dumpsters when my siblings cleaned out her house, her car insurance and we'll soon be paying her property insurance. My two sisters and my brother who all still live in Maine keep tabs on her, not quite daily, but more often than weekly. The three out of us who now live out of state do what we can to help. We're in CA and so can't be there for the day to day stuff that needs doing, so we're happy to do what we can.

I guess it also depends on family dynamics. We're all still pretty close. I think we all got even closer when my oldest sis was diagnosed with tongue cancer last year. Time is precious. There isn't much that I wouldn't do for my siblings.

Veronica

[shootingstar]

i bet if your friends siblings would just do like you said, drop off some groceries, she'd feel so much better. Or invite her to dinner on a regular basis, one less meal she has to make for herself. Like I said, a little goes a long way.

You're so right, I think these practical actions of caring from her sibs would make her feel abit better. She has 4 sibs that live locally. The most caring one that she feels closest in spirit...is actually thousands of kms. away.

[KnottedYet]

And then there's you, 4,000 kms away and sending her little checks now and then. Sounds like the long-distance folks are doing the most for her!

[Aggie_Ama]

Even though I have in the past let me brother pay for his own mistakes, I would also to the end of the earth if he was ill. If it was feeding him, buying him groceries, whatever I could do and still meet my own commitments. I would make sacrifices in my own budget (not going out to eat, wear cheaper shoes, etc). He has many times been my rock and I would be lost without my big brother.

[Irulan]

MY hubby's sister is 46 and stroke disabled, so I think I may be qualified on this one. We recently (November) took a week off work to move her from the Bay Area to a mile and a half from our house up here in WA. (1200 miles) She was going it alone in Contra Costa county, where even section 8 housing was more than her whole social security check. Her dad's idea of "helping" was to show up once a year and have his wife go through her stuff and take what she wants for herself.

This has been a huge undertaking, but some of the load is off now that she's getting a helper from the state for 12 hours a week, is hooked into the handi-bus, has a volunteer gig that gives her some meaning...

We have spent hours of our time, and thousands of dollars working through this transition. Why? It's the right thing to do. She may live independently but due to the stroke, there are really some gaps in her function and she would have been up against financial disaster very soon if we hadn't intervened. But, we don't give her money as she has an impulse shopping problem. Our way of helping is to get her plugged into what is already there, not to do it for her.

First and foremost, is your friend plugged in to the state social services system? That is where she will get the most help, especially if the family isn't doing it. You don't know the story or the dynamnics there on why they aren't doing more.

The bottom line is you can't make family do more than they are willing to do. If people don't get "the right thing to do", you can't make them get it. It's sad, it's maddening but that is the way it is.

I.

[latelatebloomer]

Sorry to hear your friend is struggling so. Brain injury really, really sucks. That is my enlightened professional opinion as I run a day program group for people with BI. Sometimes families assist, sometimes they flee! - and some were helping and just got burned out & hopeless after realizing their loved one was not every going back to their "used to be."

Are you sure your friend is really communicating her situation to her sibs? Do her sibs understand that she would not get better if "she only tried harder?"

How much would I help my sib? A lot, but I don't know that he'd ever ask me...

[OakLeaf]

I feel for your friend, and I'll keep her in my thoughts and prayers. That's a horrible situation to be in.

But you seem to be asking us for validation of your judgment of your friend's family. I wouldn't judge without knowing the history (and then I would still try not to judge).

We seem to be headed that direction with my sister-in-law, not immediately but in the long term. I really don't want to go into details here. No, we wouldn't let her starve, but first of all we would have to find out that she needed help, and then we would have to assure ourselves that any help we might give wouldn't be squandered. And there would still be limits and boundaries.

No one is a bottomless pit of money or energy, for one thing. And family dynamics... let's just say that not everyone's childhood involved learning that family are supposed to take care of one another. It's easy to say it's the "right thing to do," and one can learn that in adulthood on an intellectual level, but to find the emotional will to go through real sacrifices, and to accept and receive those sacrifices, is a challenge for all members of the family.

[shootingstar]

Are you sure your friend is really communicating her situation to her sibs? Do her sibs understand that she would not get better if "she only tried harder?"

How much would I help my sib? A lot, but I don't know that he'd ever ask me...

It is possible she's given up communicating her current situation with certain sibs. Ater all, she found out from her son and daughter, when she nearly died, some of sibs were talking about what possessions they could take after death. That truly angered her. I have this feeling some sibs have gotten used to her disability..and haven't clued in that she's actually worsened.

And true, sometimes we literally forget about some/our siblings, particularily when distances are far. And forget to tell family of some key health problems yet we'll tell our friends.

Every family is different and I can only speak of my own. Why I feel that amongst my own siblings there would be some help, is that none of us have lied, cheated on each other and if we borrow money from one another it's paid back without debate. And the latter (loan of money) rarely happens. But myself and siblings came to know this only when some of us did fall temporarily in a major ways in the past... and how help in the family was provided. It's a long learning process in any family. Family dynamics is such in our family, is if one visits and stays overnight for several days...you bring a small gift or food or a card. We don't take a sibling's hospitality for granted. And it is proabably stemming from my parents and how they are with their siblings.

I do seriously consider my siblings...good friends....for life.

Agree that help is useful until it gets to a point the giver is an enabler in a person's own problems/procrastination in living with some degree/whole independence.

[Irulan]

It is possible she's given up communicating her current situation with certain sibs...after all, she found out from her son when she nearly died, some of sibs were talking about what possessions they could take after death.

jeez, there's your answer right there about her family relationships.