What to say?

[CyclaSutra]

What a hard thing to do.

I don't remember the actual talk, I don't think there was one when my parents split up. All I remember is being in the lobby of the courthouse when my dad knelt down and asked me who I wanted to live with. Of course that's not an OK thing to say to an overly sensitive 11-year-old.

So I'm sure you guys have the optimal custody idea worked out between you.

I also like the idea of more scheduled time to talk about it. Much better than ignoring the large pachyderm in the room.

Best wishes.

[tulip]

My heart goes out to you, bike4ever. I'm going through a divorce, but there are no children involved. In my case, it's hard enough as it is. Warm wishes and hugs.

[bike4ever]

Well we had our conversation last night. My husband led the conversation off with positives - how much we love them and our continued emphasis on high expectations for school.

As we predicted, we received 3 completely different responses. Our oldest (15) was quiet and calm. Our middle (13) became extremely angry with an excessive amount of yelling and crying. Our youngest (10) just cried and kept asking why.

I spoke with the middle school and high school counselors yesterday after school. Both were appreciative of the information and would pass it to the appropriate teachers. My husband spoke with the elementary teacher and counselor also after school yesterday.

I have already emailed the two counselors that I spoke with yesterday. I informed them of the individual boys reaction. I have heard from the middle school counselor, and she has already had a calming session with him. She knows that he doesn't like to be pulled out (makes him embarrassed) so she has created a way to speak with him without it being a big middle school ordeal.

So, we started quietly today. We are answering questions as best as possible. We know things will work out - just will take time. I am surprised that I do not have a headache today!

[vmax]

First, I'm sorry that you'll be going through this experience . . it is especially difficult with children. My son was 5 when we separated and we sat down with him to explain it although, at that age, he really didn't understand the big picture. I want to say that it is essential and extremely important that the 2 of you "work together" after the divorce. After my divorce, I never wanted to talk w/ my ex, ever again. Tried communicating via e-mail and he is completely computer illiterate. I learned to talk with him about our son and to be open and not be emotional. That is, I learned to not bring our personal (negative) aspects of our relationship into our discussions about our son. And I also learned that one is never truly divorced when you have children. Geez, there's doctor/dental appointments, camps, vacations, holidays, school work, change in schedules, sports events, etc., so many things to be talking about and comparing notes.

What I'd like to say is that I hope the 2 of you can cooperate and communicate in terms of your children's needs -- it can be difficult but is so important for your children -- not trying to preach just trying to share. I'm not saying that you won't cooperate but, personally, I know that it can be difficult. Also, I do hope that you have a counselor who is helping you through this difficult process. Friends will tell us what we want to hear, but a therapist is invaluble for providing support and encouragement in the right direction so that we can move on with our lives.

FYI, while my ex and I had a difficult divorce, things greatly improved once he met someone else and remarried . . . my life got much much better meaning that he was not as angry with me. And she is the best stepmother that I could hope for in terms of my son's well-being.

I have 3 close girlfriends who made a huge difference for me in going through my divorce. I don't know that I could have come out of it as well as I did without my friends. Be sure to talk with your support network . . everyone needs a shoulder to cry on once in a while.

Take care and I'm sending a hug your way

- Vivian, MN