Here's one that will take a long time

[Geonz]

thanx

I had an odd little inspiration last night out at the newly opened MOnical's, where our waiter was an imported manager from out west (Peoria or something ) and solicitous as all get out, sitting and chatting with us for a while... I was thinking "Save me from extroverts " - tho' he wasn't boring; he was as good a listener as talker. Everybody had gone and I was putting on the helmet, and he just gave a little touch on the arm as he passed by and said "and be careful, okay?" and it gave me the warm fuzzies, 'cause somehow he managed to be tender without invading my personal space.

So I went out to test drive that Dahon Speed P8 which I am going to adopt, thank you, and psyched myself up to relax and steal some of that natural openness. It'll take practice, but I think I did that silly nonverbal communication better as he went out to see his mom.

And of course this adoption will take a while. I have to go for lessons in folding, get a speedometer put on it... and then get the guys to help me figure out how to get the folding bike on the Xtracycle

[Geonz]

HIs mom passed away Wednesday night. Now to write on that card why I love his mom even though I never met her. The visitation & funeral are 130 miles away (even if I had a car...) I'm thinking of hand-delivering something to his back doorstep (where he'd go from the garage) for when he's come back.

[Starfish]

Geonz, if this guy is quite special, his mom very likely had a lot to do with that.

I think your idea of putting something there for him for when he gets home from the funeral is a good one.

I lost my mom last year, and out of numbness and self-protection, I held it together through a SRO funeral. After having to keep everything going through her care and the arrangements, and with my dad...it took a long time for me to unwind at the end of that day, and really let go like I needed to.

I had a dear cousin sit up with me until almost midnight, when the dam burst. It really helped me un-freeze to have a tender presence there for that. And, my mom was my best friend. You don't get over that loss in a hurry. For me, the small remembrances here and there in daily life, and the small gestures from my friends, letting me know they realized I wasn't "over it," as time went on, really helped (and still help).

Every person grieves differently and needs something different. In my case, I needed the TLC after (and ongoing) when the hoopla of funeral and condolences died down. That's just me. It took one of my brothers months to admit how hard he was grieving, though.

The hardest thing for me was when people stopped asking about it...as if it was all done. But, for my brother, he wasn't ready to feel his feelings yet, and it just annoyed him when people asked. People are so different.

But, if you care, show it. Just be authentic. He is lucky to have a friend like you.

[lph]

Starfish's point was good, that his mom helped make him who he is.

Depending og how close he was to his mother and his own personality, he may not grieve that openly or want to share much. But he will feel the loss a lot more around holidays and typical family events, especially the first year. Remembering to ask him how he's doing around times like these, when everybody else has stopped asking, is maybe one of the most thoughtful things you can do to help.

[Geonz]

You can't knkow how much this helps ... he's one of these (like me) very tactical and cool and unemotional guys - but not really (like me . Not that he represses it; he just doesn't talk about it much or show it often. Yet, basically... if you know how to ask, it's there - and when I make sure to remember that without overthinking it, good things have happened. So... card, foodstuffs, a wine he rather likes, and... no, not a phone number to call, a phone call. Both. (Um, one ridiculous complication is that I have an inexplicable resistance to making phone calls. It's as if I didn't know the things were invented; I don't think of it. Good grief ) He's out of town but the man does have a cell phone.

[KnottedYet]

Call him and leave him a message just letting him know you're thinking of him. In all likelihood his cell phone is off right now and you will get voicemail. When my dad died, it was message like that which really helped me.

Nevermind the romantic stuff in the background, he's probably not thinking about it right now, just call the guy as a friend. Overcome your resistance to making phone calls, even if only this one time. Losing a parent is devastating and numbing and overwhelming. He may really need to just know someone is thinking of him right now.

[MM_QFC!]

Call him and leave him a message just letting him know you're thinking of him. In all likelihood his cell phone is off right now and you will get voicemail. When my dad died, it was message like that which really helped me.

Nevermind the romantic stuff in the background, he's probably not thinking about it right now, just call the guy as a friend. Overcome your resistance to making phone calls, even if only this one time. Losing a parent is devastating and numbing and overwhelming. He may really need to just know someone is thinking of him right now.

Your advice is right on, Knott (IMHO) and I think that the "never mind" comment is key, in that, if I wasn't already in a relationship when my Mom passed away, there's no way that anything other than a caring, friendly message would help. I'd recommend keeping his state of mind and feelings uppermost in your considerations. If he's dealing with this really hard hit ("Devastating and numbing and overwhelming", as Knot counsels - aren't anywhere near overstating it ), arrangements, family, longtime friends in the area, it may not be a good idea to be calling right now anyway. If there's a way to leave a caring 'back door' message, meaning that you can do it through cell phone voicemail and not have his phone ring at inconvenient or inappropriate times (especially if he's in another time zone and in the middle of a meal, sleeping, at a somber meeting, etc), that would be ideal. Leaving a note and friendly care package at his place sounds great, as he may not be up to answering his door and receiving even friendly visitors for a while.
It's hard, I know...best of luck to you...