Here's one that will take a long time

[Geonz]

That is absolutely, very much the kind of tactic I'm thinking of. In Vino Veritas. NOthing on a "have some madeira, my dear" scale, but

I've been subtly applying the suggestion machine in my household, which is not to be confused with my house, which is occupied by the mom and four sons who are grandsons to the couple whose house I"m staying in while their daughter figures out where to go since it's not back to her husband. (I stayed with them for several years when I first came out here... it *is* an act of generosity but a reciprocal one.) Before her heart surgery they'd entertained some... tho' now the oft-visiting grandkids use up most of that energy. Except that they like this guy rather a lot, too and he doesn't really require entertainment energy. And this winter has just sucked for stuff like that... and right now the grandkids are passing around the flu so everybody including mom is sick so the healthy ones get dropped off at grandpop's so everybody's exhausted. But somehow I shall figure out a way to have this fellow over and the wine will flow. I even think my tolerance might be higher

[jillm]

Hi Sue,

I've been following your thread like it's a soap opera! You know I don't post much but I had to get in on this.

How about one of these days when it's warmed up some, take a ride out to Sleepy Creek Vineyards over in the Oakwood / Fairmount area. They've got a little pond, you can have a glass of wine...there are a couple of kitties moseying about. It's a lovely place. (btw, Little Woody is my favorite, Dreamer is a good white, the others are too sweet for my taste, but still good) So have a glass of wine and pass him the note "will you go will me, check yes or no"... Is there a grown-up version of that?

You've met Geoff. We were platonic friends for 10 years and then something happened. It was just the right time for both of us, and we've been together for 6 years now. I see your situation as similar. Maybe the timing is right for you.

Good luck!
Jill

[Geonz]

thanx

I had an odd little inspiration last night out at the newly opened MOnical's, where our waiter was an imported manager from out west (Peoria or something ) and solicitous as all get out, sitting and chatting with us for a while... I was thinking "Save me from extroverts " - tho' he wasn't boring; he was as good a listener as talker. Everybody had gone and I was putting on the helmet, and he just gave a little touch on the arm as he passed by and said "and be careful, okay?" and it gave me the warm fuzzies, 'cause somehow he managed to be tender without invading my personal space.

So I went out to test drive that Dahon Speed P8 which I am going to adopt, thank you, and psyched myself up to relax and steal some of that natural openness. It'll take practice, but I think I did that silly nonverbal communication better as he went out to see his mom.

And of course this adoption will take a while. I have to go for lessons in folding, get a speedometer put on it... and then get the guys to help me figure out how to get the folding bike on the Xtracycle

[Geonz]

HIs mom passed away Wednesday night. Now to write on that card why I love his mom even though I never met her. The visitation & funeral are 130 miles away (even if I had a car...) I'm thinking of hand-delivering something to his back doorstep (where he'd go from the garage) for when he's come back.

[Starfish]

Geonz, if this guy is quite special, his mom very likely had a lot to do with that.

I think your idea of putting something there for him for when he gets home from the funeral is a good one.

I lost my mom last year, and out of numbness and self-protection, I held it together through a SRO funeral. After having to keep everything going through her care and the arrangements, and with my dad...it took a long time for me to unwind at the end of that day, and really let go like I needed to.

I had a dear cousin sit up with me until almost midnight, when the dam burst. It really helped me un-freeze to have a tender presence there for that. And, my mom was my best friend. You don't get over that loss in a hurry. For me, the small remembrances here and there in daily life, and the small gestures from my friends, letting me know they realized I wasn't "over it," as time went on, really helped (and still help).

Every person grieves differently and needs something different. In my case, I needed the TLC after (and ongoing) when the hoopla of funeral and condolences died down. That's just me. It took one of my brothers months to admit how hard he was grieving, though.

The hardest thing for me was when people stopped asking about it...as if it was all done. But, for my brother, he wasn't ready to feel his feelings yet, and it just annoyed him when people asked. People are so different.

But, if you care, show it. Just be authentic. He is lucky to have a friend like you.

[lph]

Starfish's point was good, that his mom helped make him who he is.

Depending og how close he was to his mother and his own personality, he may not grieve that openly or want to share much. But he will feel the loss a lot more around holidays and typical family events, especially the first year. Remembering to ask him how he's doing around times like these, when everybody else has stopped asking, is maybe one of the most thoughtful things you can do to help.

[Geonz]

You can't knkow how much this helps ... he's one of these (like me) very tactical and cool and unemotional guys - but not really (like me . Not that he represses it; he just doesn't talk about it much or show it often. Yet, basically... if you know how to ask, it's there - and when I make sure to remember that without overthinking it, good things have happened. So... card, foodstuffs, a wine he rather likes, and... no, not a phone number to call, a phone call. Both. (Um, one ridiculous complication is that I have an inexplicable resistance to making phone calls. It's as if I didn't know the things were invented; I don't think of it. Good grief ) He's out of town but the man does have a cell phone.