Venting a personal problem....

[froglegs]

My parents have been married a total of 8 times - mom - 5 - dad - 3 (and I'm wondering how long the current one is going to hold for him) and I can PROMISE you I have NEVER benefited "from the greater diversity" and I know of NOT ONE person with divorced parents who thinks it's cozy to have a larger family. YUCK!! It's a pain no matter how old you are!! This is totally lame IMO.

I have to agree here. The situation that resulted from my mom & dad's divorce and remarriages was very tense and difficult at times. I know they (mostly) tried not to make it that way, but it was. I still think my childhood was mostly good, but cozy is definitely not a word I would use to describe it. If some people manage to have situations like that, good for them, but I would say they are in a tiny minority.

I actually do know a family where any and all members of the extended complex family were at all celebrations, including the ex husband's parents who stood up at the reception for the wedding of the ex-DIL and said "she made a better choice this time."

My family members get together occasionally for big events like graduations and weddings. I appreciate that they all care and are there for things like that, and everyone is good at being polite on the surface, but knowing about the negative feelings that they all have about each other makes situations like that very stressful for my sister and I.

[Blueberry]

I could see the extended family concept working (and I certainly agree that finished is a better term than failed), but it didn't work in my case. For someone who is divorcing, finished means you've completed a chapter in your life, and that chapter no longer works for you. Failed somehow implies that you've wasted the time you were married (or something). This might be a positive thing in the end - you can't tell that at this point(and it sounds like you've accepted that you want to maintain a relationship with your step-dad), but the process (including the discussions) sucks.

I don't want to go into too many personal details, but I have a parent who considered divorcing a step-parent. This parent chose not to, but not before dragging me (and my grandmother) through the awful details of the marriage (no holes barred). I would encourage you to be firm in what you will and won't discuss. My parents (divorced when I was very young) never stopped openly sniping at each other in conversations with me (they were polite to each other, and then slammed the other to me).

They don't owe you an explanation, and you really may not want to hear one (at least at this point). I would simply explain that they've made a decision, you respect their decision, but that you really don't want to discuss it with them. Sometimes families need that explained. Holidays can be hard. Too many people and too little time. I'm still working on finding that balance (though this year, my decision was to stay home and take time for myself). But, there is a balance, and you don't owe anything to anyone. Take care of yourself (and make sure your grandmother is taken care of - I can't imagine how she feels living there!?).

Good luck to you!

CA

[northstar]

Froglegs - I don't have any advice, just wanted to send thoughts your way. It's so hard when family goes through tough times.

[teigyr]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It can't have been easy for your mother and stepfather to decide to do and it really can't be easy to talk about it with you and your sister.

My parents have never been divorced but I know the threat of tradition being taken away. My parents still live in the house I grew up in but they periodically talk about selling and that kind of makes me upset. There are constants in life and it's unsettling to think of those things changing.

Brandi is right about your marriage though; it is yours and you have the power to make it what it is. DH's parents and mine have never been divorced but both of us have. What their parents did (or didn't do) didn't prevent us from having divorces. We learned from our parents and ourselves though and what we want from our relationship. We aren't always perfect but we try and we accept each other as we are. But not to go off track here.

If relatives want to talk about it, tell them you don't want to. It's your life and you have the power to say if something makes you uncomfortable. Even though you're tapering, you can go for walks, right? Or shop. Or hang out with your sister and talk about what's going on. It sounds like you have relatives you are close to and that helps.

Even though I've been divorced, I still don't understand it. I read an essay once that spoke about divorce and how you'd never kick grandma to the side because her cookies aren't as good now or you wouldn't disown family members for no other reason than just because the "feelings aren't there anymore". We have such high expectations from spouses and they are just people too. Both people have to want the marriage though and it's sad when things happen that make someone decide to end it.