Venting a personal problem....

[froglegs]

Well I guess the upside of all of this is that my mom wants to move back here. I am still going on the trip mostly because I want to see my grandma, who lives with them, and my sister, who lives several hours away from me.

Fortunately since I am now an adult, there will not be severe consequences for me like those caused by the first (mom/dad) split. I realize that they need to do what they need to do to be happy, but it still sucks, and it makes me wonder how I'm going to feel about my own marriage in 5, 10, 25 years. My stepdad has been in my life since I was five years old and that's not going to change. So between my various family factions and my husband's (fortunately intact) family, there will now have to be some sort of lottery system to decide who to spend holidays with.

What I am not looking forward to is having to tell or answer (or refuse to answer) questions from various friends and family members who will be completely shocked by this.

[Brandi]

Maybe your mom and step dad will remain friends and then the holiday thing won't be an issue. it is not unheard of. I have a friend who's family is like that.
As far as how you wll look at your own marriage, well that is what it is "Your own Marriage". I have been with the same man for 20 years and can not imagine being with anyone else! And my mom has been married 4 times so don't think the thought has not crossed my mind. It is what you make it. And besides look how long they did stay together. If this is not to personal...why are they breaking up?

[tulip]

As said before, it's about them, not you. Yes, you will be affected by it, but they are adults and will do what they have/need/want to. Being happy sometimes takes a long time to figure out. You don't have to pick sides, and you don't have to be the peacemaker, either.

As for being trapped, well you can go out for a walk, or to a cafe, or just be alone. Go into the discussions with an open and listening mind, but if you are angry, that's okay, too. Take your time, it will be alright.

[SadieKate]

Barbara Kingsolver's book High Tide in Tucson has a wonderful essay on divorce. Her comment was that such marriages shouldn't be called failed marriages, but finished marriages. And offspring (her own child for instance) sometimes count as a benefit the greater diversity and larger family that might result. Her daughter loved having three grandmas.

The marriage nurtured you and your sister to adulthood. There shouldn't be any guilt if they choose to go on to new goals. Do you expect your stepfather to not be there for you and any children you may have? Might he be afraid that you will be the one to cut the tie?

These are just random musings because I've no experience with divorce in our family (amazing in this day and age, I know), but Kingsolver's essay was not only insightful but most enlightening. Gave me a lot of food for thought about others who do find themselves in this situation.

[AgilityAddict]

"Barbara Kingsolver's book High Tide in Tucson has a wonderful essay on divorce. Her comment was that such marriages shouldn't be called failed marriages, but finished marriages. And offspring (her own child for instance) sometimes count as a benefit the greater diversity and larger family that might result. Her daughter loved having three grandmas. "


My parents have been married a total of 8 times - mom - 5 - dad - 3 (and I'm wondering how long the current one is going to hold for him) and I can PROMISE you I have NEVER benefited "from the greater diversity" and I know of NOT ONE person with divorced parents who thinks it's cozy to have a larger family. YUCK!! It's a pain no matter how old you are!! This is totally lame IMO.

Beth

[SadieKate]

I can only tell you what she wrote from personal experience for herself and from her daughter. And it helped her to think of it as a finished marriage.

I actually do know a family where any and all members of the extended complex family were at all celebrations, including the ex husband's parents who stood up at the reception for the wedding of the ex-DIL and said "she made a better choice this time."

[Brandi]

"Barbara Kingsolver's book High Tide in Tucson has a wonderful essay on divorce. Her comment was that such marriages shouldn't be called failed marriages, but finished marriages. And offspring (her own child for instance) sometimes count as a benefit the greater diversity and larger family that might result. Her daughter loved having three grandmas. "


My parents have been married a total of 8 times - mom - 5 - dad - 3 (and I'm wondering how long the current one is going to hold for him) and I can PROMISE you I have NEVER benefited "from the greater diversity" and I know of NOT ONE person with divorced parents who thinks it's cozy to have a larger family. YUCK!! It's a pain no matter how old you are!! This is totally lame IMO.

Beth

It is a pain to have a huge family but I do know of people who it has worked for. I know families who are now better families because of it. So it might not work for everyone but there are a few exceptions.

[froglegs]

My parents have been married a total of 8 times - mom - 5 - dad - 3 (and I'm wondering how long the current one is going to hold for him) and I can PROMISE you I have NEVER benefited "from the greater diversity" and I know of NOT ONE person with divorced parents who thinks it's cozy to have a larger family. YUCK!! It's a pain no matter how old you are!! This is totally lame IMO.

I have to agree here. The situation that resulted from my mom & dad's divorce and remarriages was very tense and difficult at times. I know they (mostly) tried not to make it that way, but it was. I still think my childhood was mostly good, but cozy is definitely not a word I would use to describe it. If some people manage to have situations like that, good for them, but I would say they are in a tiny minority.

I actually do know a family where any and all members of the extended complex family were at all celebrations, including the ex husband's parents who stood up at the reception for the wedding of the ex-DIL and said "she made a better choice this time."

My family members get together occasionally for big events like graduations and weddings. I appreciate that they all care and are there for things like that, and everyone is good at being polite on the surface, but knowing about the negative feelings that they all have about each other makes situations like that very stressful for my sister and I.

[Blueberry]

I could see the extended family concept working (and I certainly agree that finished is a better term than failed), but it didn't work in my case. For someone who is divorcing, finished means you've completed a chapter in your life, and that chapter no longer works for you. Failed somehow implies that you've wasted the time you were married (or something). This might be a positive thing in the end - you can't tell that at this point(and it sounds like you've accepted that you want to maintain a relationship with your step-dad), but the process (including the discussions) sucks.

I don't want to go into too many personal details, but I have a parent who considered divorcing a step-parent. This parent chose not to, but not before dragging me (and my grandmother) through the awful details of the marriage (no holes barred). I would encourage you to be firm in what you will and won't discuss. My parents (divorced when I was very young) never stopped openly sniping at each other in conversations with me (they were polite to each other, and then slammed the other to me).

They don't owe you an explanation, and you really may not want to hear one (at least at this point). I would simply explain that they've made a decision, you respect their decision, but that you really don't want to discuss it with them. Sometimes families need that explained. Holidays can be hard. Too many people and too little time. I'm still working on finding that balance (though this year, my decision was to stay home and take time for myself). But, there is a balance, and you don't owe anything to anyone. Take care of yourself (and make sure your grandmother is taken care of - I can't imagine how she feels living there!?).

Good luck to you!

CA

[northstar]

Froglegs - I don't have any advice, just wanted to send thoughts your way. It's so hard when family goes through tough times.

[teigyr]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It can't have been easy for your mother and stepfather to decide to do and it really can't be easy to talk about it with you and your sister.

My parents have never been divorced but I know the threat of tradition being taken away. My parents still live in the house I grew up in but they periodically talk about selling and that kind of makes me upset. There are constants in life and it's unsettling to think of those things changing.

Brandi is right about your marriage though; it is yours and you have the power to make it what it is. DH's parents and mine have never been divorced but both of us have. What their parents did (or didn't do) didn't prevent us from having divorces. We learned from our parents and ourselves though and what we want from our relationship. We aren't always perfect but we try and we accept each other as we are. But not to go off track here.

If relatives want to talk about it, tell them you don't want to. It's your life and you have the power to say if something makes you uncomfortable. Even though you're tapering, you can go for walks, right? Or shop. Or hang out with your sister and talk about what's going on. It sounds like you have relatives you are close to and that helps.

Even though I've been divorced, I still don't understand it. I read an essay once that spoke about divorce and how you'd never kick grandma to the side because her cookies aren't as good now or you wouldn't disown family members for no other reason than just because the "feelings aren't there anymore". We have such high expectations from spouses and they are just people too. Both people have to want the marriage though and it's sad when things happen that make someone decide to end it.