Could use some encouragement and advice

[three]

I'm listening to NPR and just heard a snippet that made me think of this post. NoNo, you might be interested in listening to it - if only to know you aren't alone in the struggle.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/s...oryId=17779492

Also, in regards to your last post: Your family doesn't need to know everything that goes on in your life. You're a grown woman and you get to decide what information they have deemed themselves worthy of - being related doesn't give them an automatic free-for-all access pass to your life. It sounds like you're on the verge of seeing their words for what they really are. I'm certain that if you went to therapy (regardless of any illness in your family), the outcome would not be validation that the therapy made you like the rest of them...but rather, it would be a means to ensure that you are NOT like them. Unhealthy family cycles have to end somewhere - and they don't end until we take the steps to be the first stagger that changes the pattern.

Good luck!

[lph]

Oh, and don't get forget that a lot of people (most?) see nothing wrong or hurtful at all in pointing out how thin they think someone is, no matter how negatively they word it. It seems to be legitimate to go on and on about someone being thin(ner) since "we all want to be thin"...

[KSH]

Well, I wouldn't internalize it so much or take it personally... ya know?

Just take it with a grain of salt and keep in mind what THEY think is healthy... or what looks right... and it's probably someone who is 10-20 pounds overweight.

Did you know that America is now ranked as the country with the most obese people in it? That means, that what we look at... on a daily basis.. are people who are obese... not healthy and fit. So, we get a mental image of what "normal" people look like... which isn't so normal.

My family said the same thing when I saw them this Christmas, "Oh, you are so boney". I'm 5'4" and 125 pounds. I'm not too thin. I'm just right. I made sure to point out to them that I have MUSCLE on me and that I am healthy. This isn't a body of skin and bones.. it's a strong, muscular body. Something my Mom has never seen in her lifetime... and my Dad really hasn't been around fit women in his lifetime either.

Keep in mind too, that for a lot of us.. our parents grew up in a time where gyms were not the norm and neither was working out 4-7 days a week.

So... anyhoo... it's all about YOU feeling good about YOURSELF and feeling good in your skin... Right? Your family means well, but you just have to shrug them off.

[echidna]

Augh. So sorry that the family has put this on you. My mom didn't even have the flimsy excuse of being Italian (not that that should matter). My entire youth it was, "you'd be so pretty - if only your face was thinner". I would eventually learn to torque her out by correcting her incorrect lack of use of the subjunctive mood by saying, "I think you mean, "if only your face WERE thinner, don't you, Mom?"...but I digress. When I became fit, I got the about face, too...picture sitting with the family, watching a female Olympic diver and having her grouse, "she's so muscular, she looks like a man", with a pointed glance in my direction. Well, she didn't look like a man, but she looked like ME.

Ignore it. Smile sweetly and say, in the blandest, cheerful-est, vaguely distracted tone you can muster, "Interesting you should say that. Thanks for the input". This gives them nothing to argue, but also gives them the (correct) impression that you don't really place much value on their opinion.

If you get really cornered, you could let them know that their opinion is very different from that of your (doctor, nutritionist, personal trainer, running partner, pool boy) as appropriate and/or inappropriate.

If you get more cornered than that, call a taxi and get the hell out of Dodge.

One of the big lessons I learned in interacting with my Mom was that she has incredibly low self-esteem, herself. And that any question that she asked that started with the phrase, "Wouldn't you RATHER....??" was best answered with a gentle, "no".

Pay back your family's unkindness with kindness by not inflicting low self-esteem on the next generation. They may never change but that's out of your control.

[mimitabby]

wow, great post Echnida!
your aside about the subjunctive is very telling. My grandparents used to freak out because I read books! - that somehow book learning could hurt me. They believed that my mother could only bear GIRL children because she had only one ovary, etc, etc.
So from an early age I understood that a lot of the criticism was based on their ignorance. So I learned to discount it greatly. They were poor uneducated people whose own parents beat them for their misbehaviors in a world where it was okay to beat your wives, children, and dogs.

[Mr. Bloom]

If you get really cornered, you could let them know that their opinion is very different from that of your (doctor, nutritionist, personal trainer, running partner, pool boy) as appropriate and/or inappropriate.
...
Pay back your family's unkindness with kindness ...

Congrats on what you've accomplished!
Sometimes you play for the affirmation of an audience of "one"...YOU!

This group encouraged me to set goals:

• Exercise goals
• Caloric consumption goals
• Nutritional goals

Regardless of environment or circumstances, morale is GREAT among people who achieve challenging goals.

But be sure that your goals are:

Specific
Measurable
Action Oriented
Realistic
Time Sensitive

[IFjane]

Mr. S, Spinswebs, Echidna, etc. - you all are AWESOME! I wish I could add words of wisdom....or....I could add my own whining about my mom (please, check out the "Adult Trikes" thread in Gear Accessories). She is one of the most critical people I have ever known and I have gone through just about all of what NoNo has many times over - without a drop of Italian blood! I have to try to ignore the negative (I am either too thin or too fat - the latter more than the former - or I would look so much better with my hair this way, or with makeup, etc. etc. etc....) and celebrate the positive (she wants to get back on a bike at the age of 85!)...

It is not easy, NoNo, and I can't give you any advice except to endure. I have a LOT of baggage I carry every day - but I try to keep it in balance and remember that there are an awful lot of 54 year old women who do not have a reasonably healthy, active mother any more....or maybe they never did....

Gosh I hope this makes sense. I started and couldn't stop. (did I mention baggage??) My apologies - but if nothing else, take this away from my post (and those of many others before me) - you are not alone, NoNo, and this is the best place to hang out because everyone here is supportive and has a universe full of wisdom!

[DirtDiva]

Also, in regards to your last post: Your family doesn't need to know everything that goes on in your life.

I think this is an important point, and it doesn't mean secrecy and lies and keeping what's really important to you from them at all. All of us have people in our lives (family or not) who just don't and will never get that we ride (or do any number of other things) because it's fun and wonder what point we're trying to prove (Hilary climbed Everest because it was there!). Why waste time explaining things that they aren't interested in understanding? With the cycling, you can talk about how nice it was to get out on the bike after a busy week at work and how beautiful blahblahblah looked in the morning sun and how you saw blahblahblah as you rode past. This is all stuff that shows how much you enjoy being on your bike without telling them the things they can't relate to like how you set a personal best up your local nemesis hill and didn't even feel like puking at the top (you come here and tell us that ).

[Velobambina]

The others have said it well! You aren't alone. I wasted a lot of time trying to please my parents, and I finally realized that they would find fault with me, regardless. My siblings are the same way. So I accepted the fact that they would never change and just tried to ignore the little jabs.

Anyway, it sounds like you've accomplished a lot! Congratulations and keep focused on your goals. Sounds like you have a HEALTHY attitude about your weight/body, too. Be good to yourself.

[NoNo]

Echidna, your post made me laugh, especially the Olympic diver remark That's precisely the kind of thing my family would say. And you're right, I think a lot of them have low self-esteem, especially the women. Grandma would alternate between "Look at Annette, I wish I was that skinny," to "You're nothing but bones!" They've all done the yo-yo thing, so maybe they're mad I've actually stuck with it.

IFjane, I understand the baggage, and I certainly have my own. I think yesterday it finally spilled over and I just had to let it out. I guess when you grow up with that, that type of behavior seems totally normal. It was only in college when I thought things weren't quite right, and in the last few years I've been trying to talk about this stuff more with other people. I used to internalize everything, and well, I stopped walking so clearly that wasn't working

A big thank you to everyone and congratulations to all of you that have overcome your own hurdles. It's very comforting to be able to turn to people that know exactly what I'm feeling. *Hugs* to all of you!

[Tuckervill]

Pay back your family's unkindness with kindness by not inflicting low self-esteem on the next generation. They may never change but that's out of your control.

++++1

There is so much good advice here. What I would add is that those kinds of comments are usually about the person saying them, not about their target.

Have you ever seen that show 10 Years Younger? They put people in a box in a mall and then ask STRANGERS what they think about the person's age, look, etc. We see thousands of people every day, most of whom we don't interact with. But if we were to ask all of them their opinion of anything about ourselves, most of them would have one. Because we don't speak to them, we don't know their opinions about us.

Some of us happen to have families that won't let us forget their opinions about us. But they're also just people with opinions. The random stranger we speak with on the street may offer an opinion about our cycling or our appearance--what importance is it to us? None. It's just an opinion.

Put your family's opinions in that category--one of many available for the asking. Don't ask. The only opinion that counts is your own.

Karen

[Tuckervill]

I think this is an important point, and it doesn't mean secrecy and lies and keeping what's really important to you from them at all. All of us have people in our lives (family or not) who just don't and will never get that we ride (or do any number of other things) because it's fun and wonder what point we're trying to prove (Hilary climbed Everest because it was there!). Why waste time explaining things that they aren't interested in understanding? With the cycling, you can talk about how nice it was to get out on the bike after a busy week at work and how beautiful blahblahblah looked in the morning sun and how you saw blahblahblah as you rode past. This is all stuff that shows how much you enjoy being on your bike without telling them the things they can't relate to like how you set a personal best up your local nemesis hill and didn't even feel like puking at the top (you come here and tell us that ).

Yeah, if they're standing there with a gun pointing at your chest, don't give them any ammo!

Talk about the weather, talk about the color of the neighbors painted the house, but don't talk about yourself. And, don't participate when they turn on someone else because they can't get a rise out of you!

Karen

[Brandi]

Thanks everyone for the encouragement, and the suggestions. I've actually thought about therapy so many times, I just haven't worked up the nerve to actually make the call. I feel like it'd just give them one more thing to ream me over, though I suppose I wouldn't have to tell them. I also worry because there is some illness in my family, and I've always worked so hard to not be "like them". It's silly, but it's just another hurdle that I'm sure I'll eventually get over. I've spent the last few years getting myself physically well, maybe 08 is the year I get my mind in shape!

Hi Nono, And welcome to our part of the computer world! And Happy new year!
I am not sure how old you are? But through the years I have learned to tune out my family. I am the shortest of a very tall family. I am 5'3 and my sister in 6'0 as well a 6'4 brother. I think my 10 year old niece is the same me right now! So because of my compactness I was put down for years. My dad called me fat a*s almost my whole teenage life. Which I took diet pills and had medicale problems from them.
Now I am happy with my body! My husband loves my body and that is really all that matters! Your family is not the ruler of your world, you make your own world.
It's funny how much of what they said had really bugged me for a long time but now it doesn't seem to matter! Good luck!

[latelatebloomer]

Nono, I second (or third or seventh or whatever number I am) being judicious in what you share with your family, like therapy. It's not being deceitful, it's being smart and honest about what support your family is and isn't capable of giving. I have one parent who is extremely critical, one who takes very little notice of anything, and a brother who treats me like I just blasted in from Pluto. Do we love each other? yes. But I've learned after tons of therapy (and hanging w/people wiser than myself) that it's cruel to all involved to expect people to produce something that's absolutely beyond their ken. My folks aren't bad, though some of the things they've said and done have been really hurtful or even abusive. They're just missing some of the tools in life's toolkit. (I'm sure I am, too.)

Something else: the healthier you get, the sicker your family might seem. I think this happens for 2 reasons - one, just the comparison of having a healthier mind & body & spirit yourself. two - one member making life changes can make everyone else awfully uncomfortable - feeling inadequate, etc.

Just keep growing into the delightful healthy person you were born to be!

[Geonz]

Ohhh.... good points, latelate.
You can still love 'em, but they'll not be able to see things through the same lenses so what you say is filtered through them.
This is one of those threads I'll visit when I need perspective ;D