Could use some encouragement and advice

[makbike]

NoNo,

Welcome to the group! Have you considered sitting down with a counselor to help you figure out a good way to handle your family? It is tough I know for I get from my dad - "you must be crazy to ride like that" or "I thought you were the smart one of the five" when I talk about my riding. Now I will be honest here and say he gives my older brother (the one who introduced me to cycling in the 80's) the same grief. I just laugh at him and remind him on fit both my brother and I am. Sometimes I think family members think they are joking and the receiver of the message misses that joke. In all honesty, I would encourage you to sit down with them and have a one on one conversation with each person and tell them how their messages are affecting you. I would not do it as group for your message will be lost. Using, "I" statments, like Indy suggested works well.

Hang in there, don't lose sight of your goals and dreams for if you let your family's lack of support rub off on you your loses were be far reaching. Just remind yourself you are doing this for you not them. Hang in there, smile and pat yourself on the back for you have accomplished a lot.

[Geonz]

Welp, mainly a +1 to what others have said. It doesn't matter what you do - their role seems to be to find grief with it. That's the issue, not your riding and fitness and health. Big congrats for building a healthy lifestyle!!! YOu've changed *you* in so many good ways... and that's the part you're responsible for.

[NoNo]

Thanks everyone for the encouragement, and the suggestions. I've actually thought about therapy so many times, I just haven't worked up the nerve to actually make the call. I feel like it'd just give them one more thing to ream me over, though I suppose I wouldn't have to tell them. I also worry because there is some illness in my family, and I've always worked so hard to not be "like them". It's silly, but it's just another hurdle that I'm sure I'll eventually get over. I've spent the last few years getting myself physically well, maybe 08 is the year I get my mind in shape!

[Brandi]

Thanks everyone for the encouragement, and the suggestions. I've actually thought about therapy so many times, I just haven't worked up the nerve to actually make the call. I feel like it'd just give them one more thing to ream me over, though I suppose I wouldn't have to tell them. I also worry because there is some illness in my family, and I've always worked so hard to not be "like them". It's silly, but it's just another hurdle that I'm sure I'll eventually get over. I've spent the last few years getting myself physically well, maybe 08 is the year I get my mind in shape!

Hi Nono, And welcome to our part of the computer world! And Happy new year!
I am not sure how old you are? But through the years I have learned to tune out my family. I am the shortest of a very tall family. I am 5'3 and my sister in 6'0 as well a 6'4 brother. I think my 10 year old niece is the same me right now! So because of my compactness I was put down for years. My dad called me fat a*s almost my whole teenage life. Which I took diet pills and had medicale problems from them.
Now I am happy with my body! My husband loves my body and that is really all that matters! Your family is not the ruler of your world, you make your own world.
It's funny how much of what they said had really bugged me for a long time but now it doesn't seem to matter! Good luck!

[echidna]

Augh. So sorry that the family has put this on you. My mom didn't even have the flimsy excuse of being Italian (not that that should matter). My entire youth it was, "you'd be so pretty - if only your face was thinner". I would eventually learn to torque her out by correcting her incorrect lack of use of the subjunctive mood by saying, "I think you mean, "if only your face WERE thinner, don't you, Mom?"...but I digress. When I became fit, I got the about face, too...picture sitting with the family, watching a female Olympic diver and having her grouse, "she's so muscular, she looks like a man", with a pointed glance in my direction. Well, she didn't look like a man, but she looked like ME.

Ignore it. Smile sweetly and say, in the blandest, cheerful-est, vaguely distracted tone you can muster, "Interesting you should say that. Thanks for the input". This gives them nothing to argue, but also gives them the (correct) impression that you don't really place much value on their opinion.

If you get really cornered, you could let them know that their opinion is very different from that of your (doctor, nutritionist, personal trainer, running partner, pool boy) as appropriate and/or inappropriate.

If you get more cornered than that, call a taxi and get the hell out of Dodge.

One of the big lessons I learned in interacting with my Mom was that she has incredibly low self-esteem, herself. And that any question that she asked that started with the phrase, "Wouldn't you RATHER....??" was best answered with a gentle, "no".

Pay back your family's unkindness with kindness by not inflicting low self-esteem on the next generation. They may never change but that's out of your control.

[mimitabby]

wow, great post Echnida!
your aside about the subjunctive is very telling. My grandparents used to freak out because I read books! - that somehow book learning could hurt me. They believed that my mother could only bear GIRL children because she had only one ovary, etc, etc.
So from an early age I understood that a lot of the criticism was based on their ignorance. So I learned to discount it greatly. They were poor uneducated people whose own parents beat them for their misbehaviors in a world where it was okay to beat your wives, children, and dogs.

[Mr. Bloom]

If you get really cornered, you could let them know that their opinion is very different from that of your (doctor, nutritionist, personal trainer, running partner, pool boy) as appropriate and/or inappropriate.
...
Pay back your family's unkindness with kindness ...

Congrats on what you've accomplished!
Sometimes you play for the affirmation of an audience of "one"...YOU!

This group encouraged me to set goals:

• Exercise goals
• Caloric consumption goals
• Nutritional goals

Regardless of environment or circumstances, morale is GREAT among people who achieve challenging goals.

But be sure that your goals are:

Specific
Measurable
Action Oriented
Realistic
Time Sensitive

[IFjane]

Mr. S, Spinswebs, Echidna, etc. - you all are AWESOME! I wish I could add words of wisdom....or....I could add my own whining about my mom (please, check out the "Adult Trikes" thread in Gear Accessories). She is one of the most critical people I have ever known and I have gone through just about all of what NoNo has many times over - without a drop of Italian blood! I have to try to ignore the negative (I am either too thin or too fat - the latter more than the former - or I would look so much better with my hair this way, or with makeup, etc. etc. etc....) and celebrate the positive (she wants to get back on a bike at the age of 85!)...

It is not easy, NoNo, and I can't give you any advice except to endure. I have a LOT of baggage I carry every day - but I try to keep it in balance and remember that there are an awful lot of 54 year old women who do not have a reasonably healthy, active mother any more....or maybe they never did....

Gosh I hope this makes sense. I started and couldn't stop. (did I mention baggage??) My apologies - but if nothing else, take this away from my post (and those of many others before me) - you are not alone, NoNo, and this is the best place to hang out because everyone here is supportive and has a universe full of wisdom!

[Tuckervill]

Pay back your family's unkindness with kindness by not inflicting low self-esteem on the next generation. They may never change but that's out of your control.

++++1

There is so much good advice here. What I would add is that those kinds of comments are usually about the person saying them, not about their target.

Have you ever seen that show 10 Years Younger? They put people in a box in a mall and then ask STRANGERS what they think about the person's age, look, etc. We see thousands of people every day, most of whom we don't interact with. But if we were to ask all of them their opinion of anything about ourselves, most of them would have one. Because we don't speak to them, we don't know their opinions about us.

Some of us happen to have families that won't let us forget their opinions about us. But they're also just people with opinions. The random stranger we speak with on the street may offer an opinion about our cycling or our appearance--what importance is it to us? None. It's just an opinion.

Put your family's opinions in that category--one of many available for the asking. Don't ask. The only opinion that counts is your own.

Karen