Haven't we all been here sometime???

[bikerchick68]

This is long but hysterical...

The Waxing "Incident"

All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless hair removal - the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now - The Wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be?

I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer! And heat ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my butt. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)

I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!

With my next wax strip, I move north.

After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right butt cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.)

I inhale deeply. I brace myself.

RRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind! Blind from the pain! ..... Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums?

OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist.

But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where Could the wax go, if not on the strip?

Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on
the toilet.

I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!"

And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of "The Tar Baby."

I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now Covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake - up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet.

I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt? Sealed shut.

A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to poop anytime soon. Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next.

Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong.

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit.

Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.

So now I'm stuck to the tub.

I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school. So surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's never good to start a conversation with "So my butt and vagina are stuck to the tub."

She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppress laughter.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the butt. "Are we talking cheek here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now.

I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call The number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut
we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the Internet if you tell them the truth.

While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor.

Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!

In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to Other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from C and we hang up.

I successfully remove all the wax and noticed, to my dismay, that the Hair is still there. So I shaved the stuff off. I was numb by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a mustache might start to come in.

Tonight, I attempt hair dying.

[singletrackmind]

Thanks for the share-that really cracked me up (or would have but for said crack being sealed solidly shut...)

You are going to post a pic of the dye job, yes?

[bikerchick68]

LOL... I DO have a dye job (what's the nonsense about aging gracefully? Fight it people!!!) but this is not MY story... just something that was emailed to me... too darn funny not to share

[spazzdog]

oh god! I'm dying here... i'm laughing so hard (sorry bikerchick) that my dogs are all barking. it is with tears rolling down my face i say to bikerchick...

Have the boyfriend, spouse, girlfriend just shave you... it can be very sensual.

Or get thee to the spa where they will pamper you while you scream.

spazz
who can't stop laughing and now can't see cause all her tears fell into her bifocals.

[Hill Slug]

I'm so glad everyone else has already left the office....I'm just about on the floor.....I was also thinking, she cannot possibly ride after that event....

[Irulan]

me three, when I got to....

"my butt and vagina are stuck to the tub"

oh, my god....
roflmao.
that story needs to come with a disclaimer,
do not attempt at home

[Irulan]

and, yes, to answer the question, haven't we all been here sometime?

yes.

but my story involves slipping and landing butt first onto a cactus, having to call a girlfried to explain my predicament, and then she shows up armed with tweezers and a magnifying glass...


irulan

[Technotart]

MAGIC RED Shaving Powder 5 oz. Can

1.99 a can, good for about 4 applications, beats nair hands down on hair removal, smells like hell though - AND does not burn the sensitive parts...


I have trouble finding it lately - and the others (Platinum, scented etc) do not work as well as the red. Don't EVEN try the cream - it doesn't do what we need it to do, although it might work for the guys - It is actually made for mens beards. When you can find it, it is with the ethnic type mens shaving products.


http://www.ebonyline.com/14207.html

[Melody]

Oh God. I think my coworkers are wondering if I've gone insane I laughed so hard!

Mel

[spazzdog]

I read it out loud to my roomie last night... I couldn't get through it without crying yet again. She was howling... and she's familiar with waxing.

Me... pretty much the only place I have hair is on my head. I shave in the shower about once a month out of sheer boredom. Ah, the life of a red headed complexion grrl.

spazz the hairless

[Trek420]

OMG, I'm so glad I'm home reading this. You must publish this.

This makes the three idiot drivers (screaming and honking at me, flipping me off, left turn in front of me) I encountered today all melt away (pun intended).

TREK-who doesn't care if I am confused with a bear or wookee but I will never wax after reading this-420

[Lynne]

I'm sitting here at work, trying SO hard not to laugh out loud, tears coming out of my eyes! I'm so sorry, but this is hysterical! And I thought *my* waxing experiences were bad!

Oh let me tell you, after *my* experience (different from yours but no less painful), I started going to a professional. Never again will wax touch my sensitive nether parts without some professional designation attached to the hand that's applying it.

Thanks for sharing...I *have* to send this to my co-workers!

[Roadrunner]

Thanks for sharing your waxing adventure with us. I laughed so hard I almost fell off my chair
You certainly know how to tell a good story.
If you ever decided to give it another try I would recommend the normal hot wax and cotton strips. I've never had trouble with it, yes it does have an ouch factor but no swirly tie dyes etc.(shaving itches too much)

[KkAllez]

OMG! I SOOOOO needed a good laugh tonight! This has got to be the alltime best personal story yet. This even beats when I was a newlywed and tried 'Babe' perfumed lotion for a lube (felt like fire going in and out!)


I think you win the prize for best comedy of the year!

[Roadrunner]

[QUOTE=KkAllez]OMG! I SOOOOO needed a good laugh tonight! This has got to be the alltime best personal story yet. This even beats when I was a newlywed and tried 'Babe' perfumed lotion for a lube (felt like fire going in and out!)


QUOTE]

ouch!!