the joys of family dynamics

[bmccasland]

So while I went to New England for a conference, my Mom went to DC to visit my brother. Got to see my aunt who lives in Boston, and she asked about big brother's "ceremony".
What ceremony?
The one your mother went to.
What ceremony?
He's pinning on another star...

(Big brother is a rocket scientist in the USAF, has made every promotion on the first go round) So now he's a 2 star General, and going to turn 50 next month.

I am miffed that I wasn't told or invited. And jealous that he hasn't had to struggle in his career. Didn't struggle in school, never faced being laid off (3 times for me, survived one cut, so laid off twice). I feel like he's had his career handed to him on a sliver platter, while I've clawed my way to where I am now (I also have *issues* with folks 20 years younger than me in my office who think that after being there a couple of years they *deserve* to be the same pay grade I am (highest you can go without being a supervisor). I'm not even sure I can afford to retire when I'm elegible in 10 years. And the way I currently feel, I want to retire in then. OK - it doesn't help that I work in the most stressed out office in the entire Corps of Engineers (and that includes the Baghdad office!).

So how do I deal with these feelings. Grumble grumble grumble. If there was a chocolate cake in the house, I'd eat all if it....

[KnottedYet]

I'd go out and buy a chocolate cake...

[KSH]

I'd go out and buy a chocolate cake...

Ditto.

And then after I was stuffed with cake, I would sit down and write down everything that is good in my life and what I have to be thankful for.

[smilingcat]

Dear BMC,

I don't think there exist a PERFECT FAMILY. There always is a black sheep. You remember the saying by Tommy Smothers "Mom liked you the best!"
And other odd family dynamics.

Beaver family is just a figment of our imagination and so was Father knows best.

Well its very impressive your brother made 2stars . As to why you were left out, maybe no one was thinking about the rest of the family... an oversight perhaps. Lot of times it comes down to "Well honey, we didn't think you would be interested, besides you are always so busy." Its a standard line I hear.

And job side of things: Men in mgmt still hold onto some very odd notion. Women are not the bread winner so she can lose the job. Men are the bread winner so we CAN'T lay him off. Heavens NOOOO how will he take care of his family if he was laid off? Well they don't ask us. I'm not married. If I don't get paid, how am I supposed to pay all my bills. It never occures in the thick male head. hmm I think I only make about 80 cents on the dollar for comparable male. I think I have more expense then the comparable guy but LIFE JUST ISN'T FAIR. AND NEVER WILL

I'm sorry BMC, I just don't have any answers... chocolate cake sounds good though

smilingcat

[Zen]

Why would they not let you know? Has it always been this way?
Hey, you always have us.

Cake will only make matters worse but new Asics never hurt anybody.
(I bought two pair today)

[LBTC]

{{{{{{{Beth}}}}}}}}

You're not alone. There were plenty of incidents like this in my family years ago. No idea if there are now - I separated myself from them a long time ago. I'm happy now. As for work, well, I don't have a solution there. It's the way of the world, unfortunately.

Think of us as your family!

Go ahead and vent, be angry, let it out. And then let the anger float away on butterfly wings. You've got stuff to do! How are those fur kids? And how was the MS150?

Hugs,
~T~

[lph]

So how do I deal with these feelings. Grumble grumble grumble. If there was a chocolate cake in the house, I'd eat all if it....

I doubt that I'd be able to follow my own advice, but if you wanted to you COULD, if you're usually fairly close to him, send him a an e-mail or something saying "Hi - congratulations with the star! To be completely honest I'm a bit sad you didn't invite me because I would have liked to be there, but I'm happy for you anyway and hope you had a nice day." Or something like that.

Because maybe he thought you just wouldn't be interested, or maybe he didn't want to look like a show-off or something. Parents are a bit different, you're supposed to show off to them even if you're 50

If it's any consolation my family is really screwed up and does this sort of thing all the time. I was going to write some stories but they're just too darn complicated. Suffice to say that half of them aren't on speaking terms, and consider their petty squabbles more important than anything and anyone else. I try to just relate to the sane ones.

[Mr. Bloom]

... I would sit down and write down everything that is good in my life and what I have to be thankful for.

I agree with this and don't forget that there's something very normal about the emotions you're experiencing.

As to your brother,

Giving the benefit of the doubt, I suspect your brother is sensitive to your feelings and didn't want to make you feel bad by telling you about the promotion... On the other hand, whenever something good has happened to me professionally, my parents get VERY upset when I don't tell them. Why don't I? Well, I did my job...that's all it was to me.

But I also encourage you to congratulate him...I'm glad that we have "rocket scientists" in the government and that experienced scientists are receiving the incentives to keep experienced ones motivated in public service...

[bacarver]

Why can't we all just get along?
I'm in the dysfunctional family club too. I have worked really hard to reach out especially to my brother.
Haven't gotten very far.
Now I'm proud of myself for trying to do the right thing. Years from now, I'll know that I tried to open the door. I was kind and generous.
Search your heart and set a good example.
Barb

[Veronica]

Wow! This just made me want to go hug my big sis who's visiting now - but she's still sleep.

I don't know... it seems to me you'd have to work a least a little bit to be a rocket scientist. And being a two star general has got to carry some heavy duty stress. I doubt his life is really all that cushy. And I think that if you get passed over your first time around for promotion as an officer in the military, you're unlikely to get promoted the second time. And you don't get a third chance. That info comes from a good friend - major in the Marine Corps.

Ask him why he didn't tell you. There could be all kinds of good reasons why he didn't tell you.

Is it really his fault that you've had to struggle in your chosen field? Is that really something you should be angry at him for?

I'm not asking this to be mean, but just to help you put some perspective on it. It sounds like you're really unhappy with your work environment and maybe it's time to look around at what else you can do - either in your field or something else. Change can be good.

I wouldn't eat all the chocolate cake though. A slice or two should be enough.

V.

[Tuckervill]

Ditto.

And then after I was stuffed with cake, I would sit down and write down everything that is good in my life and what I have to be thankful for.

+1!

Karen

[Tuckervill]

Ask him why he didn't tell you. There could be all kinds of good reasons why he didn't tell you.

And to what Mr. Silver said about not thinking much of it (although getting a second star is a Big Deal).

Maybe your mom is the one to blame? Maybe he didn't want a fuss, and she insisted on coming? My mother has done things that caused rifts between me and my older brother by doing stuff like that.

My oldest son is very private about his success, too. When he came home from Iraq, his commander ordered him to speak to the media that day, and he REALLY didn't want to, so he gave one-word answers even though he's very articulate. He didn't think he'd done anything special. He didn't want the attention. He thought his homecoming should be private.

Some people are just like that.

I doubt your brother's life was without struggle, either. Men don't always let people know their struggles. Give a little grace, and it will come back to you.

Karen

[Triskeliongirl]

I doubt that I'd be able to follow my own advice, but if you wanted to you COULD, if you're usually fairly close to him, send him a an e-mail or something saying "Hi - congratulations with the star! To be completely honest I'm a bit sad you didn't invite me because I would have liked to be there, but I'm happy for you anyway and hope you had a nice day." Or something like that.

I really like this advice. Maybe he just thought you wouldn't be interested, or it would hurt your feelings to flaunt this in your face. It does sound like just finding out did indeed at list rile up some feelings of sibling rivalry, so maybe he just didn't want to cause you any pain. So, a congratualtions, and letting him know you would have liked to be there would make sure this doesn't happen again (assuming that is how you really feel!). I also like Veronica's advice. Your brother's success has nothing to do with any unhappiness you may feel about your own career choices or life. Could further education or training change your present situation for the better? Instead of chocolate cake, why not focus that energy on what you can do to enjoy your own life more?

[redrhodie]

BMC, maybe it's time for a job change? If you're doing what you love, it won't feel like a struggle. If you're not going to be able to afford to retire based on your salary at this job, you could be stuck there forever. You can find something else more rewarding, something where you won't be counting the days until retirement. It may mean a paycut, but trust me, happiness is priceless--it will be worth it.

[mimitabby]

Dang! remember; you can pick your friends, but not your family. I would be just as upset and irritated as you are.. But do congratulate your bro. Even if he doesn't deserve it.