SERIOUS emotional advice needed - What would you do???

[Flybye]

Dear Mr. Silver and Silver -

I have spent quite a lot of time reading all of the comments and thinking about things from both sides of the coin. I personally don't have any experience with either having a close friend killed or knowing someone who hit and killed another in an auto accident. I can't imagine what either party has gone through.

I am sorry for the experience that you had with the mother.

What does pop into mind immediately is that this was an accident. A horrible one. As a fellow (I assume from reading Mr. Silver's weight loss blog) believer, I think the key is forgiveness. Forgiveness of the boy who did, on accident, hit and kill a friend. Forgiveness of the mother, who did not, in my opinion, handle herself well.

We give forgiveness whether we want to or not - it really isn't for the person who committed the action against us, it is for us.

We could speculate on a million different reasons why the mother handled herself the way that she did, why the boy didn't get more than a slap on the wrist, etc, etc. We could speculate on a million different ways to try to reach this mother.

In truth, none of it really matters. How she handles herself is up to her. How we move on and handle things is up to us.

I personally think that the very best thing that anyone could do for the kid who killed the cyclist and for his mother is offer them a letter giving them forgiveness. Regardless of whether or not they, in my opinion, your opinion, or any other opinion, deserve it. Perhaps this is just what this kid and his mother need to move on from the nightmare that they too, have found themselves in. Perhaps not.

Just a few thoughts about love/forgiveness.

Again, I am sorry that you had to encounter this woman on the anniversary of the death of a friend.

[Tuckervill]

Forgiveness, while it is always a good thing, is something that can't be rushed, or entered into under duress, and the concept is not the sole province of "believers".

Karen

[Mr. Bloom]

Putting thoughts onto "paper" in black and white has a galvanizing effect.

• As I started this thread, I had "a lot to say" that I didn't say because as I started to type the words, I knew that "it wasn't me"...
• Then I got all this great feedback...that affirmed my thoughts and challenged them at the same time
• And now I'm reminded of what I know is right.

Several years ago, I had to step back and decide what I believed...my "mission". I wrote it down as an anchor to remind me of what my course was...regardless of my feelings in a given circumstance. Five principles:

• Honor God
• Cherish My Family
• To be a conscientious employee
• Constantly Seek to Improve my body and mind (this one is the challenge)
• To Love Others DESPITE CONFLICT

While I don't have to agree with what she did or how she feels, to attack this woman would be wrong and contrary to #5. She has issues, but so do we. As you read the comments posted on the newspaper's forum, this has become a polarized issue and it's time for bridges. I don't know what it takes to build a bridge right now, but I do know that attacks won't accomplish anything.

Now, some may say this is a cop out...and part of me agrees with this. But, if I attack this woman out of anger, then I'm really doing exactly what she did...and we see what effect that had.

[Tuckervill]

While I don't have to agree with what she did or how she feels, to attack this woman would be wrong and contrary to #5. She has issues, but so do we. As you read the comments posted on the newspaper's forum, this has become a polarized issue and it's time for bridges. I don't know what it takes to build a bridge right now, but I do know that attacks won't accomplish anything.

Saying this out loud, in public, could begin building that bridge.

Karen

[sundial]

Perhaps by offering a charity ride with proceeds going to a children's hospital, or any institution of the family's choice, would help bring closure. I cannot help but think that this would bring healing to the families and the riders who were affected by this tragic accident.

Silver, maybe you can design a beautiful pendant commemorating fallen cyclists and devote the sales to setting up cycling clinics for children. With parents and children involved, they will learn both vehicle and bicycle safety.

[stacie]

It sounds like everyone is experiencing a great degree of pain. I"m sure the mother of the boy who killed the cyclist is feeling helpless and angry too. I copied the following from a website.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. All your feelings are normal. It is helpful, however, to know
that human grief is a process that often follows a healing pattern.

Shock is the first stage. It is accompanied by disbelief and numbness.

Denial follows quickly, crying "I don't believe it," or "It can't be."

Bargaining is your promise that "I'll be so very good that maybe I can wake up and find that it isn't so.
I'll do all the right things if only...."

Guilt is painful and hard to deal with. This is when one says over and over, "If only I had..." or "If only
I had not..." This is a normal feeling and ultimately it may be solved by stating, "I'm a human being and
I gave the best and worst of me to my friend (child, husband, etc...) and what he or she does with that is
his or her responsibility.

Anger is another big factor which seems to be necessary in order to face the reality of life and then to
get beyond it. We must all heal in our own ways. Anger is a natural stage through which we must pass.
Your anger at your deceased loved one may even make you feel guilty, or it may be because your own
life continues whereas your friend's life is over.

Depression is a stage of grief that comes and goes. Knowing this, be prepared to give yourself time to
heal. Resignation is a late stage. It comes when finally you accept the truth.

Acceptance and hope! Understand that you will never be the same but your life can go on to find
meaning and purpose.

[CCinSC]

Mr. Silver,

I think writing a letter is a great idea. However, I would not send it to the newspaper or mail it to the Mother, I would mail it back to myself. I know that sounds odd, but it will help. After Mrs. Silver pours out her heart, get the letter out of the house so she won't continue to read it over and over. When it arrives in the mail then she will reread it with refreshed thoughts. If she still wants to send it to the Mother or Editor then she should. Unless I miss my guess, she will probably be glad she didn't send it due to the intensity of the emotions but she will still feel better for the emotional release. Just MHO.

Hugs to you and yours during this difficult time.