SERIOUS emotional advice needed - What would you do???

[blueskies]

Keep in mind, my view is that she was tearful and compassionate...but selfishly so. It was about her...That's what I found offensive.

What do you think?

Mr. Silver,

I hesitate to write, because I don't think my ability to express what's in my heart is quite up to the job... but I'll try...

You are the husband of a woman who was riding for a short period of time with a man who was suddenly and unexpectedly killed in a tragic accident. She is the mother of a teen-ager who was at fault for killing the man. Really try and put yourself in her shoes. As devastating as this was for Silver, as a near-witness and companion, how devastating would it be to be the young driver who killed this man?

I, personally, know a very good man who killed a pedestrian. The victim was an elderly woman with mental problems who just stepped out into traffic. The driver wasn't at fault, couldn't have stopped, and *still*, needed counseling and medication to move on with his life. A friend's niece left college with PTSD after her experience riding in a car that struck a pedestrian, and she wasn't even the driver. It's a terrible, terrible thing to take a life through your negligence & be completely powerless to ever undo it.

Think about what this experience was like for Silver, at the time, and over the last year. Her connection to the victim, was very short and limited, and yet this was a life-changing experience for her.

Think about that boy... what has this year been like for him? Of course his mother's heart aches for him.

Is she handling it well? In those moments when she spoke to your group, it sounded like she was trying to ask for mercy... not very skillfully, not with the ability to really listen to your perspective... but to me, she sounds like a mother whose heart is breaking.

I support the group that are putting up the "Share the Road" signs. I support tougher sentencing for negligent drivers. I support improving transportation infrastructure in ways that make it safer for cyclists & drivers to share roads. I support the right of the grieving to mourn. And I still have compassion for this mother & this young man.

Blueskies

[Mr. Bloom]

I hesitate to write, because I don't think my ability to express what's in my heart is quite up to the job... but I'll try...

You did a good job of expressing a very key point:
- I'm being critical of her because she's making it "all about her"
- In reality, I'm actually making it "all about us"

My suggestion that Silver write a letter was to give her an outlet to channel her anger...I'm still thinking this is a good idea...but with the stipulation that she wait a week to decide if she still feels strongly enough to actually send it.

We are not by our nature "angry people"...the problem comes when something unexpected happens and when you're done, you think of all the things you WISH you had said...we're human.

[salsabike]

Mr. Silver,

I hesitate to write, because I don't think my ability to express what's in my heart is quite up to the job... but I'll try...

You are the husband of a woman who was riding for a short period of time with a man who was suddenly and unexpectedly killed in a tragic accident. She is the mother of a teen-ager who was at fault for killing the man. Really try and put yourself in her shoes. As devastating as this was for Silver, as a near-witness and companion, how devastating would it be to be the young driver who killed this man?

I, personally, know a very good man who killed a pedestrian. The victim was an elderly woman with mental problems who just stepped out into traffic. The driver wasn't at fault, couldn't have stopped, and *still*, needed counseling and medication to move on with his life. A friend's niece left college with PTSD after her experience riding in a car that struck a pedestrian, and she wasn't even the driver. It's a terrible, terrible thing to take a life through your negligence & be completely powerless to ever undo it.

Think about what this experience was like for Silver, at the time, and over the last year. Her connection to the victim, was very short and limited, and yet this was a life-changing experience for her.

Think about that boy... what has this year been like for him? Of course his mother's heart aches for him.

Is she handling it well? In those moments when she spoke to your group, it sounded like she was trying to ask for mercy... not very skillfully, not with the ability to really listen to your perspective... but to me, she sounds like a mother whose heart is breaking.

I support the group that are putting up the "Share the Road" signs. I support tougher sentencing for negligent drivers. I support improving transportation infrastructure in ways that make it safer for cyclists & drivers to share roads. I support the right of the grieving to mourn. And I still have compassion for this mother & this young man.

Blueskies

I think what Blueskies is saying is really important. It's much like what I would have wished to say, but she did it better than I could have.

[SR500]

I just read the article and some replies. My question is why sue? It appears is was an accident. Including the bike club, company the guy worked for, just makes the lawsuit look poor. I'm not sure to what end bringing suit solves.

[Mr. Bloom]

I just read the article and some replies. My question is why sue? It appears is was an accident. Including the bike club, company the guy worked for, just makes the lawsuit look poor. I'm not sure to what end bringing suit solves.

I can only suspect the motivation for suing, but there is a legal perspective for for who got sued:

The bike club: among other things, apparently neglected to put emergency services on notice (including the police) so that they could be adequately staffed for contingencies. I assure you that the police were quite visible today

The employer: Family owned business, son was driving a car owned by the business.

Personally, after seeing the site today, I DON'T believe it was an accident. To me, the track was clear...this kid was negligent and careless.

[silver]

I'm still deep into processing what happened.....

Your replies are so helpful.

I know some of the background into why she is suing. I can't discuss all the details. I'll say that I understand why she's doing it and she does have a case but I think there are legal reasons behind some of the named defendants and that some of the defendents will be dropped eventually.

the driver was ticketed for failure to yield and fined $129.

I would not call it an accident.

[sandra]

My experience with anyone that makes things "all about them" is that you cannot change that. No matter how much explaining or pointing out you try to do, YOU usually end up being frustrated because it will invariably get twisted from what your best intentions are trying to accomplish.

I think you both have to grieve in your own way and no one can dictate how or how long it might take. Silver is doing what is healing and helpful for her and I commend her for the work she has don. The other lady is coping the best that she knows how.

[blueskies]

Mr. & Mrs. Silver,

Just wanted to say that I have a tremendous amount of respect for the two of you, and the way that you've dealt with this tragic situation, and Silver's own crash, from last year to this. The two of you are a class act.

Blueskies

[SR500]

I didn't mean to imply it wasn't terrible. My DH ran a light as a teenager and hit a car, no one was injured, but there was a lot of damage including is employers truck. He was negligent (changing the radio station), but not cited and important for his future not fired. I just don’t know the best way to move forward, but it seems to rarely involve attorneys.

I know CIBA has been taking some heat lately. What people don’t seem to remember is that Bike Clubs are almost always volunteer organizations, that rarely have enough people to run for offices, let alone volunteer to assist with events. It will be sad if the suit distracts people from getting involved in the club, when Sam was alive I’m guessing he was an avid supporter of biking in the area.

[Aggie_Ama]

My suggestion is contact the local paper and hope some reporter will touch this story. Use the angle of the memorials being stolen, not the other issues. The memorial missing might be more newsworthy than a small scale conflict. And the reporter may take the conflict to make a bigger story out of it. It may only get a brief written but I think most people are respectful of a memorial whether they agree that cyclist should be there.

[silver]

SR500, I agree that the bike club is not at fault. I'm not a member, but have participated in some of their activities. I don't know all the details. I do know some of them. I do think that they will be dropped from the suit. I dont' know what the legal reasoning is, but I'm just assuming that there may be some legal reason that they were named that I do not know.

I've thought it through and the only thing that I fault them for is that they didn't notify/remind the law enforcement that they were having the event. That seems pretty careless to me. One of the deputies that came, told me, that they didn't know that the bike ride was going on that day. He said that he thought when he first heard the accident on his radio that it must have been a motorcycle. But in saying that, I still don't think that they should be included in the suit because of it.

Now I will go on to say, that the Bike club here is.........well, how do I say it......different. The day of the accident, I was sitting on the curb crying, trying to figure out how that we could get in touch with Sam's wife when i bike club guy came over to us to get our names and information. I asked him, "are you with the race? Can't you get his contact info off his registration form to call his wife?" He proceeded to lecture me that this wasn't a race it was a ride, a tour, etc.

I was looking at him, with a you must be crazy look. True enough, it wasn't a race. I should have know better. I come from a running background, organized runs are called races. I've only participated in few bike events and oops, in my emotional state of watching a man be given CPR, I slipped up and called it a race. Sorry.

The bike club here is known for being somewhat exclusive and stand offish. I'm feel sure that this attitude may have contributed towards the widow's decision to include them.

I went to a Share the Road meeting recently. Another aside to say that the bike club has been very slow to do anything to help with this initiative, even seemed against it, until Jim, got the ball rolling and then they seemed to want to jump on since the initiative was actually going well.

Anyway, at the meeting, Sam's widow acked if anyone was there from the Bike Club, she said that they had mailed Sam a registration form for the ride and that the timing hit her particularly hard and could they PLEASE, make sure that they didn't mail her deceased husband another registration form in the future. there was silence......the bike club president made a note on her papers and said "I'll tell Mike(not his real name) he just merges all those files." It was just so callous.

Anyway, they did put on a great ride yesterday, truly, I don't fault them. I've ridden with them, and a lot of them are great!