SERIOUS emotional advice needed - What would you do???

[makbike]

What an awful experience for you guys. IMO this lady, if you want to call her that, is way out of line. I think the letter is a great idea but I would suggest it be sent to the editor of your local newpaper.

[Eden]

That's kind of interesting - I wonder if the driver and his family really think that they will ever be able to forget? Causing someone's death, accidental or not does not strike me as something that a person would ever be able to sweep under the carpet.
That said, I highly doubt facing the mother personally would be productive. She's obviously pretty emotional about it and its pretty unlikely that she's going to have her mind changed. (I would bet she feels that any criticism of her son is very much an attack on herself) If she's confronted she's probably more likely to just dig in more, get more emotionally wound up and it would end up pretty badly. A well thought out letter might just end up in the trash, but still has a better chance to get through. When people decide they've been attacked, they can get so caught up in the emotioal part that they really start to believe some pretty outrageous things - so it doesn't matter how logical you are or how correct you are.

[Zen]

Do you have any contacts that might be able to get a story into the paper?
the story I have in mind might be accompanied by a photo of a gathering at the site of the memorial Share The Road sign and focus on the effort that's been put into having these signs made and placed throughout the area. It would explain the tragedy that was the impetus without even mentioning the driver. Focus on the positive.
This woman has no conscience and no shame. she reminds me of the fanatic religious group that protests at the funerals of homosexual Iraq war soldiers.

[Mr. Bloom]

Do you have any contacts that might be able to get a story into the paper?

There was a great story about the share the road campaign last Sunday's front page (before the negative press on the lawsuits hit).


Signs meant to help cyclists
By Gavin Lesnick (Contact)
Sunday, September 30, 2007

Jim Bush can list a world of reasons why his friend and fellow cyclist, Sam Wolf II, should still be alive.

Wolf was killed Oct. 1, 2006, during the Great Pumpkin Metric Ride when a Jeep collided with his bicycle on St. Philip Road in rural Posey County.

The weather that day was bright and sunny, Bush recalled, the accident occurred in mid-morning with plenty of light, Wolf was wearing a bright yellow jersey, the collision happened at a wide-open intersection with no visual barriers and it was during a large, organized ride.

"For any reason, that accident probably shouldn't have happened," Bush said. "But it did."

That's why Bush and a group of supporters are raising money and calling for local officials to install "Share the Road" signs on roadways frequented by cars and bicycles.

Builds awareness

It started as an effort to build awareness for bicycle safety while also honoring Wolf by installing the signs at the intersection where his accident occurred.

Those went up this spring, but since then, Bush and others have raised money to put the signs throughout the greater Evansville area.

As the anniversary of Wolf's death approaches and as more than 900 cyclists gear up for the first Pumpkin ride since the mishap, Bush has purchased more than 50 signs, including 26 set to go up around Vanderburgh County in the coming weeks.

"When we lost our friend, we wanted to try and make a positive out of a negative, out of our loss," Bush said. "Share the road signs are one way we thought we could do that."

The program has multiple goals, Bush said.

On one level, the mere presence of the signs will alert motorists and make them more aware that bicyclists need space, too. As communities grow, Bush said many quiet country roads are turning into busy thoroughfares or are used by motorists as shortcuts, so the need is increasingly there.

The signs also make a statement that the community supports healthy lifestyles and promotes safe exercise options, which Bush said is a quality of life issue. It could encourage people to move here or businesses to locate here, he said.

"It's kind of a ripple effect," Bush said. "Not necessarily that a sign can change all that, but if it's something to show progress in that direction, I think it's a worthwhile step."

Between the pole, the nuts and bolts and two metal signs (one reading "Share the Road" and one with a small icon of a bicycle), each sign costs about $50.

The fundraising efforts started with a display at the North Side Bob's Gym, where Bush works as a trainer. It grew through word-of-mouth and e-mail to various cycling enthusiasts and then again when Bush partnered with the Indiana Bicycle Coalition to promote the cause.

Permission sought

That provided funds to buy 53 of the signs, though before any could be placed, Bush had to seek permission from the governing bodies in each locality.

In Vanderburgh County, where signs will be placed soon along Oak Hill, Browning and Boonville-New Harmony roads, that meant going in front of the County Commissioners and pitching the plan.

It was an easy sell, Bush said, because there was lit-tle cost to the county.

The commissioners embraced the idea and voted to approve it unanimously.

"It's a great project," said Democratic Commissioner Troy Tornatta. "It's just unique that you have somebody with the passion that Jim and the people helping him have. We welcome that. And we want to be a leader to show we care about fitness and safety."

Posey commissioners also approved the signs, and Bush will soon seek approval from Newburgh and Warrick County officials to place them on roadways there.

In addition to the signs, Bush is spearheading a series of public service announcements that will appear soon on television and in print. Those will serve to remind motorists and bicyclists of the rules for respecting one another's space and keeping each other safe.

Both efforts will continue as long as possible, Bush said, as supporters strive to make a real difference in the community.

Whether it prevents a future tragedy may never be known, but Bush said he's confident his efforts can make a big difference.

And he can do it for a good friend.

"If I can do something to make a positive out of (Sam's) loss, then his loss is not in vain," he said. "That's what I'm working toward."



Here's the negatively received article:
http://www.courierpress.com/news/200...bposey-driver/

[Trek420]

This woman has no conscience and no shame. she reminds me of the fanatic religious group that protests at the funerals of homosexual Iraq war soldiers.

I was thinking the same thing. And you're thinking the followers of Phred Felps. They show up at any funeral of any veteran, not just the soldiers who bat for the other team but fight for our team . So much so that there's a group of bikers as in motorcycle riders who organize escorts on request to line the funeral route so the demonstration is not seen and the soldiers family see respect and support not screaming fanatics and hate.

www.patriotguard.org

I remember the memorial bike ride to my cousins funeral, over a hundred riders and the sense I had especially as we neared the church that drivers slowed, drove with us, along side us and seemed protective of the riders.

We need something like that. Maybe on the Ride of Silence near you? Drivers, pedestrians and cyclists together.

[bmccasland]

What an awful experience for you guys. IMO this lady, if you want to call her that, is way out of line. I think the letter is a great idea but I would suggest it be sent to the editor of your local newpaper.

Mr S - I agree with Matbike. You and Silver need to not personally contact the mother of the idiot. She won't grasp the concept that her little boy did anything wrong for YEARS. She reminds me of the type that's crying on the news about how their sons didn't do nothin wrong - while the police are arresting them for murder of 5 people (happened here in N.O.). But sending in a letter to the editor of the local paper, and any other paper that might circulate in the town is a good idea.

I'm happy to be off some rather narrow roads, but everyone (vehicle drivers) were curteous. I could hear a diesel pickup rumbling behind me for about a mile before it was safe to pass. Even when we signaled that the road was clear, he didn't pass until he got to a passing lane. He didn't cross the double yellow to pass us.

(I really do need to update the sig line... )

[SouthernBelle]

At this point, direct confrontation wouldn't accomplish anything, and probably wouldn't if it had been done at the time.

Do either of you know a reporter who can write a story about the incident?
Reporting both sides, the mourners and the mother.

& I'm not clear why the lawsuit would reflect badly on the survivors?? I know as a lawyer that is my first thought, but what other recourse do they have at this point.

[Tuckervill]

...Oooohhhmmmm....

Now that I've calmed down a bit...

Mr. Silver, I would really like it if you described the reaction of the mourners to this woman. What did she say and how did they react? Do they have any plans on what to do about it?

I'm finding that I still want to have my say with her, as well.

Karen

[Mr. Bloom]

Mr. Silver, I would really like it if you described the reaction of the mourners to this woman. What did she say and how did they react? Do they have any plans on what to do about it?

My pleasure. It will help me sort it out. I'll use names to help me keep players safe:

Players:
Five riders: Tom, Cindy, someone else, Silver and me.

State trooper watching from 100 feet away.

Driver's Mom in the street, a man (dad?) in the SUV...not involved.

We came up after this had begun. After I clarified with her who she was, here are some comments I recall (not necessarily in order):

NOTE: I would characterize Mom's tone as tearful and compassionate. Tom was firm and very offended by her, Cindy was compassionate and tearful. Silver was firm and frustrated. I was offended and firm. NO ONE raised their voice...

Mom: Please, please leave us alone. We've been here 60 years and now I have to go 10 miles out of my way to go to church because of all the stuff you're putting here [a STR sign, two bouquets of flowers]. We can't move on because we everytime we come here we see these reminders [presumeably the sign]. 900 riders are driving by here today, but YOU have to stop? What are you doing this to us? [Note: It's convenient that once someone stopped, she was there like !@#$%^ hmmmm.... ]

Tom: We understand, but do you realize that our friend is DEAD and that we have a right to remember him?

Silver: Do you remember me from last year...I was the one sitting right here.

Mom: I'm tired of this, my son can't even drive this way. I even have someone from the Evansville Bike Club stalking me? Don't you know that we've invited Sam's wife to visit us and see how sorry we are, but she refuses to come visit us! [My cut: Sam's wife is suing them...she can't interact with them...and Mom is trying to make the suit go away...so I have reason to partially doubt her sincerity...but I believe it's at least partially genuine]

Me: We're not part of the bike club and have nothing to do with them. Do you understand what the last year has been for us because of what your son did? The counseling? The depression? Do you understand that this is their right to mourn this?

Mom: Oh yes, I know about counseling, but WE have to move on and we can't do that with all this here.

Cindy: [Crying] we all share pain here, can't we grieve together...[she then reaches out to hold Mom's hand]

Mom: No! No! Don't touch me! Get Away! I don't want anything to do with you! Just leave us alone! I'm not doing THAT! [then she walks away to the SUV]

Keep in mind, my view is that she was tearful and compassionate...but selfishly so. It was about her...That's what I found offensive.

What do you think?

[Zen]

Isn't the offending driver of legal age? Why is Mom so involved? No one is suing her.
She must be getting therapeutic counseling confused with legal counseling.

[Sheesh]

I agree with previous posters that confronting this mother will not do any good, and will probably just make the situation worse - she'll probably go so far as to call you "stalkers", like she does the member of the Evansville Bike Club. I'm sure there's little you can do to get through to her, so I would recommend continuing with what you're doing to reach those who are likely to hear the message. Your work to educate motorists and remind them to "Share the Road" is very commendable!

[blueskies]

Keep in mind, my view is that she was tearful and compassionate...but selfishly so. It was about her...That's what I found offensive.

What do you think?

Mr. Silver,

I hesitate to write, because I don't think my ability to express what's in my heart is quite up to the job... but I'll try...

You are the husband of a woman who was riding for a short period of time with a man who was suddenly and unexpectedly killed in a tragic accident. She is the mother of a teen-ager who was at fault for killing the man. Really try and put yourself in her shoes. As devastating as this was for Silver, as a near-witness and companion, how devastating would it be to be the young driver who killed this man?

I, personally, know a very good man who killed a pedestrian. The victim was an elderly woman with mental problems who just stepped out into traffic. The driver wasn't at fault, couldn't have stopped, and *still*, needed counseling and medication to move on with his life. A friend's niece left college with PTSD after her experience riding in a car that struck a pedestrian, and she wasn't even the driver. It's a terrible, terrible thing to take a life through your negligence & be completely powerless to ever undo it.

Think about what this experience was like for Silver, at the time, and over the last year. Her connection to the victim, was very short and limited, and yet this was a life-changing experience for her.

Think about that boy... what has this year been like for him? Of course his mother's heart aches for him.

Is she handling it well? In those moments when she spoke to your group, it sounded like she was trying to ask for mercy... not very skillfully, not with the ability to really listen to your perspective... but to me, she sounds like a mother whose heart is breaking.

I support the group that are putting up the "Share the Road" signs. I support tougher sentencing for negligent drivers. I support improving transportation infrastructure in ways that make it safer for cyclists & drivers to share roads. I support the right of the grieving to mourn. And I still have compassion for this mother & this young man.

Blueskies

[Mr. Bloom]

I hesitate to write, because I don't think my ability to express what's in my heart is quite up to the job... but I'll try...

You did a good job of expressing a very key point:
- I'm being critical of her because she's making it "all about her"
- In reality, I'm actually making it "all about us"

My suggestion that Silver write a letter was to give her an outlet to channel her anger...I'm still thinking this is a good idea...but with the stipulation that she wait a week to decide if she still feels strongly enough to actually send it.

We are not by our nature "angry people"...the problem comes when something unexpected happens and when you're done, you think of all the things you WISH you had said...we're human.

[salsabike]

Mr. Silver,

I hesitate to write, because I don't think my ability to express what's in my heart is quite up to the job... but I'll try...

You are the husband of a woman who was riding for a short period of time with a man who was suddenly and unexpectedly killed in a tragic accident. She is the mother of a teen-ager who was at fault for killing the man. Really try and put yourself in her shoes. As devastating as this was for Silver, as a near-witness and companion, how devastating would it be to be the young driver who killed this man?

I, personally, know a very good man who killed a pedestrian. The victim was an elderly woman with mental problems who just stepped out into traffic. The driver wasn't at fault, couldn't have stopped, and *still*, needed counseling and medication to move on with his life. A friend's niece left college with PTSD after her experience riding in a car that struck a pedestrian, and she wasn't even the driver. It's a terrible, terrible thing to take a life through your negligence & be completely powerless to ever undo it.

Think about what this experience was like for Silver, at the time, and over the last year. Her connection to the victim, was very short and limited, and yet this was a life-changing experience for her.

Think about that boy... what has this year been like for him? Of course his mother's heart aches for him.

Is she handling it well? In those moments when she spoke to your group, it sounded like she was trying to ask for mercy... not very skillfully, not with the ability to really listen to your perspective... but to me, she sounds like a mother whose heart is breaking.

I support the group that are putting up the "Share the Road" signs. I support tougher sentencing for negligent drivers. I support improving transportation infrastructure in ways that make it safer for cyclists & drivers to share roads. I support the right of the grieving to mourn. And I still have compassion for this mother & this young man.

Blueskies

I think what Blueskies is saying is really important. It's much like what I would have wished to say, but she did it better than I could have.

[Running Mommy]

I'm sorry, but I really don't see why the civil suit should cause an uproar??

The victim deserves to be compensated for their loss! When I was a teenager my best friends mom was murdered in a grocery store parking lot. It was AWFUL! So I know just how the victims feel. Its horrible.

BUT, like the others said, confronting this lady will do nothing. Send a letter to the editor. Give this lady some bad press. If she thinks the little memorial sign is bad, just wait until the community hears what she did. ANy rational thinking person would agree with the mourners!

She will have to face it all when the civil suit comes around. maybe, just maybe, she'll realize that her little darling- ISNT. But honestly, I doubt it... sigh...

Send Silver my best.