Marriage: How much time to yourself?

[redrhodie]

DBF and I aren't married, but have lived together for 16 years, bought property together, have 2 furry ones, so I think I qualify to answer this post .

In summer, we're like two ships passing in the night. He's a chef in a resort town, where 14 hour days are common, and one day off per week is all he gets, and he's pretty tired on that day. Some of those days off, he really just wants the house to himself, so I go for long rides or to visit friends. You'd think we'd want to spend every minute of his day off together, but that's not the case. He needs alone time, too. I get plenty for myself. Time apart for us isn't an issue. Riding as much as I want is strongly encouraged.

It's feast or famine for us....his job ends for the season next week. Winter means a lot of time together! I'm pretty excited about it! He's really fun to be around. (Remind me I wrote that in 3 months when I'm ready to strangle him!)

Best part--in a couple of weeks, he'll start cooking for me again! After 14 hours in a kitchen during a summer shift, he doesn't want to look at the stove at home. Winter means yummy curries and hearty soups. He can make my least favorite thing taste heavenly. Fennel is one. He can roast it until it looses all its intensity and becomes caramel-sweet and smoky. If I roasted it, it would taste like bitter burnt licorice. Even his sandwiches are better than mine. I don't know what he does, but it's always better. Actually, I do know the secret-lots of butter, olive oil and heavy cream!

This year, I'm cycling as long as I can, and I joined a gym. That will help if/when we (inevitably) get on each other's nerves, and it should keep the extra yummies off my butt!

[Aggie_Ama]

DH and I have been together 10 years, married 4.5 of those. Right now we are together all the time but the first 9 years of our relationship one or both of us worked retail and time was premium. We ride together and I think he is itching to go alone so he can hammer it out but also loves riding together. I let him attack climbs at wait for me.

I get off work one hour earlier and am home alone for 1.5 hours. I love my alone time. It is just enough, although the occasional day alone is great. I am a close group of friends only type. DH is more of a social butterfly.

[kelownagirl]

Well I can relate to several women here - the long-marrieds and the newly-weds.

I thought Mimi's post was bang on - that was me for the first marriage and the hard part was staying on the same page as the years passed. We didn't - and as I got older I realized how thoroughly different we really were. Eventually the marriage ended.

Now I've been with my new husband for 3 years and married for 6 months. We have a completely different relationship than the first husband. DH and I spend all of our time together, and quite honestly, we like it that way. We are both the kind of people that enjoy spending time together and we have really similar interests. I'm sure other people would find it oppressive but we don't. We work at the same school although that really only means we drive to and from work together in the morning, and we have lunch together most days. It also means we can talk about work and actually care about and understand the other person's point of view. We have similar interests and both love riding so that's just another thing we do together. We also try to find time to go out for dinner once a week, and to go for a "honeymoon" once per school term.

I really don't think it matters whether you like to spend lots of time together, or whether you need your own space. What matters is that you and he have similar feelings about it. If those time "needs" aren't in sync, then one person is more likely to feel "left out" or lonely.

[Tuckervill]

I like being alone. We've been married almost 18 years, but we started out with my two kids (5 & 7). I get "touched out" too easily. We just came back from camping for a weekend with my eldest son. Ever since we unloaded, I've been holed up in my room alone, watching TV and getting my TE fix.

We have a very happy marriage, but we sleep in separate rooms. We're in our 40s--sex is not as frequent as it used to be, and we have a young teen in the house which limits our privacy some, but we manage conjugal visits. (I knew someone would ask.) The reason we have separate rooms is because I just can't sleep when he snores, and I become a raving lunatic (mostly directed at him!) when I don't sleep.

I think the amount of alone and together time is something that has to be negotiated and remain flexible over time. Our lives weren't always this way. Our lives were way different when we had small kids, as has been described by others. New circumstances require new parameters. We didn't always have a spare bedroom, so we slept together (along with our youngest son, by the way) and made do and I was a raving lunatic from lack of sleep! lol.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting or needing to be alone sometimes, as long as the relationships are not neglected, and jealously is not an issue.

Karen