Marriage: How much time to yourself?

[GLC1968]

I can ditto shefly's post almost exactly...except that my H and I have only known each other for 6 years (married for almost 5 of them).

We both have careers, but we don't have children...we both ride, but we like different types of rides sometimes. I love to ride alone, he hates it. It's all about compromise and our ability to 1) respect each others desires and 2) voice our opinions honestly and openly.

I almost consider myself lucky that most of my close girlfriends live far away from me...it gives me more free time to do the things I want to do (9 times out of 10, with H).

[michelem]

DH and I have been married 7.5 years, no human children, but we do have two beagle children - they are a handful! During the week, I leave for work around 7am and am home around 5 or 5:30pm. During the school year (he has summers off) DH leaves around 9:30am and isn't home until 7pm at the earliest, more likely 9pm or later. We take turns going to the gym in the evenings. We are very conscientious about making sure one or the other of us will be home with the dogs in the evenings since they are in their crate during the time we are both at work.

On weekends, I ride on Saturday and Sunday mornings. DH has various and sundry activities as well, depending on the season - flag football, basketball, softball. We go to church together on Saturday night (love that Saturday night service so I can ride on Sunday mornings - tee hee!). DH works with the jr. high youth group on Sunday evenings.

Wow, when I look at that, I realize we don't spend a whole lot of time together during the school year. We usually do something or other together on weekends though. Weekend after next we're going on a church retreat together for a full weekend. He's coming to cheer me on at the US Half Marathon on November 4 - we're staying in a hotel in SF the night before.

Summertime is when we really spend time together. It's great when he's not working 'cause then he can do stuff during the day that usually keeps him out after work (like going to the gym, meeting with guys he mentors, etc.) and he can spend lots of time with the dogs so they are not stuck in their crate all day - this means we can go out together after I get home from work rather than one of us having to stay with the dogs. Or, we can take the dogs for fun outings because it stays light later.

I know couples who are joined at the hip and I don't know how they do it. I'm sure they look at us and wonder how we survive when we do so much apart. But, I think for us it comes down to communication and quality of time we do spend together.

[indigoiis]

Been married 2 years, together for ten.
He is step to my fourteen year old daughter.
We have a farm. That's the priority. I often do find it hard to justify riding when there's chores to be done.
He was the cyclist, I only got into it this year.
He rode with me some times this summer but not all. He says he has no time. I say, we have the same full time jobs, same responsibilities, how is it he doesn't have time and I do?
He wants me to ride and is glad that I ride, but I feel bummed that he says he can't find the time to do it.
so then I ride with my girlfriends!

[Duck on Wheels]

Been married 2 years, together for ten.
He is step to my fourteen year old daughter.
We have a farm. That's the priority. I often do find it hard to justify riding when there's chores to be done.
He was the cyclist, I only got into it this year.
He rode with me some times this summer but not all. He says he has no time. I say, we have the same full time jobs, same responsibilities, how is it he doesn't have time and I do?
He wants me to ride and is glad that I ride, but I feel bummed that he says he can't find the time to do it.
so then I ride with my girlfriends!

Maybe he has other priorities now ("can't find the time" sometimes means other things take precedence by choice). Or maybe he had a different sense of what it was to do a ride, such as that he had to have nothing else on his mind, or how far away "good" riding routes are for him now, or how much time a good ride would take, or who he would ride with (coordinating gets progressively more difficult as you and all your buddies do full time work). But as long as he's not bitter about it, doesn't seem to miss it, doesn't mind that you do ride ... then so be it. I know both DH and I have changed our activities over the years. I used to swim twice a week. Now it's riding and spinning.

But back on topic ... I second, or umpteenth by now, what the others have said. Been married 32.5 years now. We do some things together. We try to have breakfast together most mornings, and supper 4-5 times a week. We sometimes take vacations together, sometimes not. He likes hiking mountaintops that I'm not up for, not in shape for, and too scared of heights. So when he wants to go hiking in the Himalayas, he'll have to do that without me. But we've gone hiking with UKElephant and her BF. I'll spend a day on my own in the lowlands while they go for a peak, then we'll do a "recovery hike" together the next day. We don't ride together much cuz he does twice my speed, but he did do one ride with me last summer and that was sweet And we do a lot of stuff together with family and friends.

[teigyr]

DH and I have been married almost a year, we've been together about 2 1/2 years.

I've always been the type that goes crazy with too much togetherness and not enough alone time. I finally met a person who doesn't suffocate me. We're together a LOT but we're great friends and we share common interests. We brought a lot of our own interests into the relationship and some of those interests remain our own but the other person supports them. My husband got a bike because he got interested in cycling due to me. He also started watching the Tour, etc. For the most part, we are both interested in most things. It's strange (and should feel confining but it doesn't) that we WANT to do most things together.

My husband, for example, has no desire to do a tri. He'll do any cycling event and he'll kayak but he won't swim or run. I swim and run on my own (or with friends) but when I've done an actual event, DH is there to support me. We've talked about him kayaking while I'm doing OW practice so that'll probably happen in the late spring.

One good thing (for me) is I have three days off a week. Right now DH and I have one day off in common and he works my other two days off. That gives him one of his days off to do things on his own and I have two days to do the same.

It works for us. Heck, he even went wedding dress shopping with me before we got married. I guess you'd say he's my best friend

[singletrackmind]

There's a kid on my lap right now.

Not much in the way of 'me' time, sometimes a half hour after the kid's in bed or if DH's playing on the computer sometimes up to a couple hours if I can manage to stay awake that long. We have his kids every other weekend and he is often riding or computering or working on his car otherwise so not much time for us there. Sometimes a few hours when it's just our kid, usually for a hike or bike ride together though he often does that on his own too. I'm a stay at home mom so I have much more flexibility on when I do what I do, just with a cute little tag-along.

It suits me ok, though. I've given up solo riding, long rides and lots of rides to hang with my kid. He'll get older too fast so I'm soaking up all the little kid time I can. There'll be time for me later.

Thankfully, the little guy likes to ride (tandem) so I get one medium ride and one or two short rides in every week. Unless it's too hot or cold for him. If I could push myself to get up at 4am I could get in an hour and a half ride before the hubby goes to work, which I've been known to do. Feeling a bit tired and run down lately though.

Oh yeah, 10 years together, 5 married. I'm VERY introverted.

[elk]

I've been married for 17 years. I believe in having a room of one's own....My H and I each have our own lives, no children, but 4 dogs and 3 parrots and much of our life together revolves around the animals. Even though we each have a studio in the house and also happen to teach at the same college...on opposite days..it's hard to find time alone together.

What's interesting to me is that we got the bicycles for our last anniversary and riding has given us something to do together away from the house and work and the studios and everything else. We are having a blast together...

I think it's a great idea to do a physical activity together (besides nooky)--one where you are just together, no need to talk, just ride....

I think of what Rilke said about real love: "It consist of gazing out at the world together...not just into each other's eyes..."

e

[uk elephant]

BF and I are not married, though apparently by British common law we are according to some definitions. We have been living together more or less for four years (minus a few months here and there when he moved to England before me or I was doing fieldwork in Norway). We do lots of stuff together, but not all the time. We have overlapping interests and the same group of friends, but he's not much into cycling and I'm not much into watching football in the pub. I always know I'm invited if I want to join him in the pub whether he is watching a game or just going for a drink with friends, but sometimes I just need some alone time and that is of course fine too. And he has always been very supportive of my cycling which I generally do alone. And some of the best Sundays we have together is just the two of us puttering around the house doing our own thing, but knowing that the other person is there if we want company. We generally make sure to eat together most nights and all meals on the week-end and meal-times are our chattering times, but at least a couple of evenings a week he or I are out doing our own thing.