Issues with elderly parents and some encouragement for Mr.

[Mr. Bloom]

We had the conversation. Without hesitation, both parents affirmed that they want NO effort made in prolonging their life.

Here's a challenge to each of you who may face this issue going forward. We spent a small fortune getting my parents affairs "in order" a few years ago. BUT, now so many questions remain unaddressed in all the documents that were signed.

Starfish kindly found and sent me copies of a document that her mother executed before her death. Here are specific questions that you might consider if you face this problem:

• do you want cpr?
• do you want any mechanical breathing assistance?
• do you want artificial nutrician and hydration?
• do you want major surgery?
• do you want dialysis?
• do you want chemotherapy?
• do you want minor surgery?
• do you want invasive diagnostic tests?
• do you want transfusions?
• do you want antibiotics?
• do you want simple diagnostic tests?
• do you want pain medication?

Some of these have easy answers, some are complex. While I think the consensus of all the posts here are in support of "having the talk", the devil's in the details...and I may have not even thought of some of these issues.

At the end of the day, my parents said to "keep them comfortable, but let them go..."

It's a tough day when the kids and the parents swap roles

[Starfish]

It's a tough day when the kids and the parents swap roles

Oh Mr. Silver, this is so very true. I'm so sorry.

[Tuckervill]

Just want to pass my warm thoughts in your direction, Mr. This is not easy, but you are handling it very eloquently.

Karen

[Cindyloo]

Mr. Silver,

I have been following this post but didn't really have any advice to give. I know as an only child that, God willing, I will be faced with this someday. I appreciate you and Silver for bringing up this topic and giving me something to think about and some solutions before I have to face this situation.

[quint41]

Hey, Silver .... might I just say ...

... quite a guy you've got there. I've got to find one like that!!



Take care.

[Mr. Bloom]

Oh Mr. Silver, this is so very true. I'm so sorry.

Well, I'll add a little levity to the whole debate about the night that we swapped roles about 4 years ago:

They go to church on Saturday evenings. We made plans to pick them up at their house after church to go to dinner.

When we picked them up, Mom was upset - indicating that she 'nearly had a wreck' in the parking lot at church.

At dinner I inquired more...here's the story:

• She was backing out of her space
• Her foot was 'stuck' so she couldn't stop
• She 'may have hit' this car, but there was no damage
• Dad said: "she was saying she couldn't stop, but I couldn't GET OUT OF THE CAR TO STOP IT because of the the automatic door locks!"

Later, I inspected her car, saw another car's paint. Called the church, called the sheriff, but no complaints. Phew

So, that night, I had to counsel:

• my mother on the virtue of not leaving the scene of an accident , and
• my father on the prudence of not getting out of a moving car (at least not without his walker!!)

The next night, the police called to report a "hit and run"...there was $11,000 in damage done to the other car that mom "may have hit".

This is why I favor regular renewal of elderly licenses!

[cyclepixie]

LOL
That story reminds of when I started cycling after a 20 year gap and I said to my daughter -"well when I get too old to drive and they take my license away - at least I can still ride my bike"
So my daughter says " Ummmmm - Mom think about that!"
PS - Great job on 'the talk'

[Starfish]

Mr. Silver, thanks for your amusing story. It is true. Amidst all the angst of the past year, there were some really funny moments created by my mom's mental regression/disorientation.

One day when I was feeding her breakfast, she made a face like she no longer liked the breakfast she'd been eating for years (yogurt with almonds). I told her she didn't have to eat anything she didn't like.

She looked right at me and defiantly turned her head and spit a whole almond out as far as she could, about 8 feet, and then just looked at me sideways with a wicked smile, like she knew she'd done something naughty.

[maryellen]

thx for posting this, Mr Silver. especially your dad's comment about wanted to get out to stop the car. I'm in the midst of dealing w my 93 year old dad's decline over the past year and definitely needed some humor.

PS, years ago I had to report my father to the state authorities as someone whose driving abilities were questionable (he lives in Florida where they have a designated form for so doing). That was hard.