Issues with elderly parents and some encouragement for Mr.

[cyclepixie]

Silver and Mr. Silver - I've been lurking for months - registered just to share this with you. My husband has an Alzheimer's related dementia. Early on we did all the paper work - POA, living wills, wills, medical proxy, estate planning for us both. At diagnosis he was 55, i was 42 and our kids were 16 and 12 - so we really needed to cover all bases. In NJ only a special state out-of hospital DNR form would be honored if he coded - my daughter (an EMT) has told me so many horror stories that I carry the DNR form and medical proxy form in both my purse and car and have one on each floor of the house.
I love my husband dearly. As hard as it is to refuse certain medical care I know he would never ever want to live this way. His right to dignity comes before my selfish need to keep him with me. There ARE worse things than death.
My thoughts are with you - cyclepixie
PS: I hope everyone out there has thier own living will -

[Bad JuJu]

Good point, Cyclepixie--let's let this discussion at least remind all of us to make sure we have our own living wills.

Silver and Mr., I can't add much to the thoughtful, intelligent, sensitive responses already here, except that in my own experience, it is sometimes actually easier for the non-child to deal with aging parents.

My mom passed away with Alzheimer's 9 years ago and now my dad is in an assisted living home with the same awful disease. And in both their cases, the Chief (DH) was such a dear, sweet SIL to them and was able to get my mom to sign her name long after my dad and I had given up trying. (Eventually, of course, she lost the ability, but somehow the Chief was able to calm her and get her to focus when she still could.) And then, when the dementia was getting a grip on my dad, the Chief was the one who stepped in and helped out with showers and other grooming tasks that Dad simply would not have wanted his daughter to be involved with. And the Chief initiated the living will/POA/DNR conversation, too.

Two things: (1) the Chief is just better than me at that kind of thing, and (2) though he loves my folks, he doesn't have the emotional baggage that I have with them, so it can be a more reasonable, less emotional situation between them.

None of this may even apply to your situation--just my two cents, in case it can help. My heart absolutely and completely goes out to you.

[Mr. Bloom]

So, what catalyzed my thought?

Good objective feedback from our friends here based on personal experience.

But mostly, I visited Mom and Dad a little while ago. When I was leaving, Dad said "I Love You" in a different way. It was like he was saying "Good Bye". While I don't think that it's imminent, maybe he knows...who knows?

So, what am I going to do?

• First, I will convey the doctor's comments to them
• Second, I will pose the question to BOTH of them and ask what they want
• Third, I will honor their wishes

I hope this happens tomorrow, but this is a conversation that has to happen at the right moment...so, now we have to create the right moment.

I know this is the right thing to do...at least for us. Wish us luck!

PS: CYCLEPIXIE: Stop lurking...hang around for a while!

[Starfish]

Mr. Silver, I sent you a PM.

[silver]

Silver and Mr. Silver - I've been lurking for months - registered just to share this with you. My husband has an Alzheimer's related dementia. Early on we did all the paper work - POA, living wills, wills, medical proxy, estate planning for us both. At diagnosis he was 55, i was 42 and our kids were 16 and 12 - so we really needed to cover all bases. In NJ only a special state out-of hospital DNR form would be honored if he coded - my daughter (an EMT) has told me so many horror stories that I carry the DNR form and medical proxy form in both my purse and car and have one on each floor of the house.
I love my husband dearly. As hard as it is to refuse certain medical care I know he would never ever want to live this way. His right to dignity comes before my selfish need to keep him with me. There ARE worse things than death.
My thoughts are with you - cyclepixie
PS: I hope everyone out there has thier own living will -

Thank you so much for sharing and for making your first post here to do so.

And to each and every one of you, thank you for sharing little pieces of your lives to help us.