Issues with elderly parents and some encouragement for Mr.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Yes I do understand what you are saying Starfish. I guess there are varying opinions on the subject. Sounds like you and I both were "there" for our mothers in loving caring ways at the end.

[salsabike]

One of the major points in all this is: HAVE THE CONVERSATIONS while your loved ones are still able to fully participate, so that you can be doing what they would truly want instead of struggling through the agonizing process of trying to figure it out when you're in the midst of the situation.

And you will need to be pretty concrete and specific. My parents both had living wills that said "no extreme measures to be taken to prolong my death". The hospital staff said that was pretty much useless to them. Does the person want CPR? Under what illness conditions? Intubation? Food and water through a tube? Etc. This is not fun stuff. It's even less fun when you find yourself trying to divine what your parents might want if you've never had the opportunity to discuss it with them at all.

My parents were pretty clear about what they wanted and didn't want. My spouse---youngest of three boys--has never had this talk with his remaining parent, his dad, and it really needs to take place.

If you--the general you, this is addressed to--have a good primary care doc, they can help you walk through a form that specifies all this. And, by the way, we should be doing such forms for ourselves too--for exactly the reason I just described.

[Starfish]

Yes I do understand what you are saying Starfish. I guess there are varying opinions on the subject. Sounds like you and I both were "there" for our mothers in loving caring ways at the end.

Definitely, Lisa.

It is one reason I was so very grateful for Hospice. Despite my parents both having very specific and good living wills, there was just no getting around many, many decisions on a daily basis. All while exhausted; all while emotionally wrung out. I was very grateful that the Hospice nurses were available as sounding boards, as a source of alternative opinions I could weigh, and as simply a true comfort...reminding me I was doing the best I could with the information I had available.

[Mr. Bloom]

Here's what dad's Living Well says:

If...my physician certifies in writing that 1) I have an incurable injury, disease, or illness; 2) my death will occur within a short time; and 3) the use of life prolonging procedures would serve only to artificially prolong the dying process, I direct that such precedures be withheld or withdrawn...

This to me is clear...and it doesn't cover death by old age.

So, the moral is: Don't limit the conversations to terminal illness or heroic acts. Frankly, I believe that if I was reasonably healthy and being asked if I would expect someone to administer CPR if my heart stopped, then I would say "sure"...

This is VERY frustrating and very complex to me at a moral, spiritual, and relational level