My mother died 8 months ago, at 81, and my dad died 4 months ago, at 85.

One difference in our situation was that neither my mom nor my dad had to go to the hospital or nursing home. For a couple of years, I lived with them, and along with 2 of my brothers, we did all their care until they each died at home.

Neither had an obviously terminal illness, and a hospice nurse was still able to be involved, for which I will always be deeply grateful. They facilitated pain prescriptions and practical care advice for my parents, but the support and information they offered to us as the caregivers was crucial. This included the moral support we needed to deal with the toll that providing round the clock nursing care put on me and my brothers. We also got a very sane, holistic approach to the dying process that we did not always find in some doctors we dealt with (although many docs were wonderful). We also got alternative opinions about such things as hydration vs. dehydration, etc, in the final days. I was alone with both my parents at the end, and I was deeply grateful for the materials Hospice had provided so that as things changed, I could recognize various signs and realize what was happening. It helped it all be less alarming. It was very helpful.

I am deeply grateful that both my parents had legal documents specifying their very specific wishes, not only about DNR orders, but also about the administration of antibiotics and all kinds of care orders. My dad stayed lucid, and was able to voice his opinions right to the end. My mom lost her marbles about 3 months from the end, and became non-verbal with about 1-1/2 weeks to go. I found that their having created those documents was a very respectful thing to have done for us kids. And, I believe that the very frank talks I had with both my parents to clarify some things were also very respectful toward my parents. And, after they were both gone, it was very comforting to know that I had done all that I could to follow their wishes, rather than flying blind and making my own decisions for them.

A couple of things I would say:

1) Each person grieves differently, and accepts situations and emotions in different time frames. My experience with my siblings is that if a person just is not ready to deal with something, no amount of forcing can change that. In our family, some were able to initiate and have the hard talks, with parents, doctors, and others. Others weren't, and still aren't able, really.

2) One reason I was grateful for having my parents' wishes already in writing was that it allowed us all to talk with my parents about things other than their care in the final months, weeks and days. We were able to focus on other deeply personal and important talks, with many big decisions made. (Of course, there were daily care decisions that became exhausting anyhow...no way to completely forestall that, but the BIG ones.)

3) Both my parents found it deeply comforting to know that we were all prepared to be honest and blunt with them about their dying processes. They knew they were dying, even my mom, who came not to know who I was. They were grateful they felt they could trust us and grateful that it was all out on the table. They articulated this over and over.

4) A very safe, non-judgmental place to process and talk, away from others in the family, was extremely helpful for me. For me, this outlet was Al Anon meetings, which I had already discovered as a God-send for other situations in life. I imagine there are others. Hospice runs groups, for instance.

Finally, Mr. Silver, Silver, and all SilverKids...my heart aches for you. This process was profoundly difficult and life-changing. While I feel utterly privileged to have had the opportunity to care for my parents (there were moments of deep beauty and blessing amidst the exhaustion and agonizing grief), I know that the responsibility and heartbreak can seem to be almost too much to bear. Please don't try to bear up under it alone. Call hospice. Call your friends. Call a counselor. Find the sources of support you will need...both for all the practical help you need, and for all the emotional help you need. Cut back on other commitments. Find the space you need. Take breaks. You may become much more tired than you realize.

Hope that all doesn't sound like a lecture. I care very much. Please PM me any time.