Issues with elderly parents and some encouragement for Mr.

[Mr. Bloom]

First, thanks to all for feedback, support and encouragement. I am a bit surprised by the post, but value the feedback

Does he have a living will? Does he need to change anything in his regular will? The easiest time to do this is as a package. Will, living will, durable power of attorney, DNR, funeral arrangements. If you start with the will review it easily segues into the other.

Yes, we have everything...all of those things and even more, including trusts of which I'm already the trustee over all their assets (Lisa is correct, the Powers of Attorney are worthless, post death). That's part of the problem...as all of this was being executed, while my parents were in full control of their mental faculties, I looked them in the eye and told them - with the attorney present - what their living will said:

• we would not take heroic means to sustain life
• we would withhold fluids, etc (which is essentially starvation...that was a tough one to discuss...)
• we would do everything to preserve comfort and dignity

So, this begs the question: Is basic CPR, absent any terminal illness, heroic?? In my view, no, it's not heroic...and herein lies my struggle based on what I've already discussed and conveyed to my parents.

In addition, if my dad collapses and his heart has stopped, my mother would be standing there (they're ALWAYS together...so she WILL BE THERE when he dies) expecting someone to do something...and will likely be pleading for them to do so. Psychologically, what impact does that have on her, in the moment, to have no one respond to her pleas for help. This, TO ME, is a gut wretching scenario that is totally unlike him dying in his sleep.

Why is the doctor not discussing things directly with the patient? (If I were the patient, I'd be seriously pissed if a doctor went behind my back to a family member UNLESS I were incompetent, in which case, I'd be incompetent. Is that the case here?)

This is exactly what I said last night. In my view, it's awkward and I frankly feel that I have a 50/50 chance of finding him to be adequately lucid to comprehend what we'd be discussing with him. In addition, along with the dementia comes paranoia...do I want my dad thinking that I'm trying to hasten his death? He honestly believes my mother is tired of him and wants him dead.

Don't get me wrong, he is mentally and spiritually ready for death. Ironically, on his 70th birthday, he shared that his only prayer in life was to see me graduate from high school (he thought he wouldn't live to be 55! - what a tear jerker that was!). But this is not a decision that I can make for him...and I'm uncomfortable with playing "God" with someone's life.

Silver and Mr. Silver, I want to share this with you too... I'm sure you already know this, but sometimes reading it can be helpful. Mr. Silver is IN the grieving process... and he may go in and out of the stages, which is totally healthy and OK too. I just think it's useful to understand the process...

http://www.counselingforloss.com/article8.htm

Thanks. I've been familiar with EKR's work for years and actually apply it in business (when you're a banker dealing with someone in financial crisis, they go through the same stages...). Last year, we thought dad was on death's door and frankly, I had come to 'acceptance'...but I was still vascillating toward 'anger' at the unfairness of the 'way he was going...'. But, he goes in cycles and right now he seems to be more improved than any point in the last year...so am I in denial or am I simply asking "why is this an issue, when he seems to be improving???" I don't know.

Over the past few months I feel like I have gotten to know the Silver family, so it breaks my heart to see you have to deal with this.

Thanks. It's amazing how enjoyable and trusted this forum has become to the Silvers! Ironic how small this forum makes the big world feel

Finally, Silver has been great in how she's stood by them, despite PLENTY of frustrations.