Hey Miranda - "Bike snob" sounds like an appropriate name to me also. You need to do what you can to feel safe. If that means surrounding yourself in mirrors and reflectors and "blinky things" then so be it. There have been many cycling accidents due to the fact that the bicyclist "wasn't seen". As far as the music.....to me, a definate no no. I can understand why you do it, I just don't think it is safe either. It makes it really easy for a car to "surprise" you.
As far as ride groups, check with your local bike shop (if you have one). They will usually have literature a rides and groups you can join ranging from "newbies" to "hard core roadies". Good luck with your riding and above all, have fun.

Karen