Help! husband dislikes riding buddy

[Melalvai]

Wow, I'm amazed at the discussion I sparked. Sorry I was out of town this weekend (being a cager unfortunately, not a cyclist, but we visited an old friend who had paid for a hotel room as our christmas present and we had an absolutely wonderful time).

Here is the long awaited background, and some responses.

I'm 33, we've been married 13 years come August, and 3 months ago I took this Road I course taught by, we'll call him Riding Buddy. I knew him sort of because he runs a yahoogroups list for commuters in our area. Almost immediately after the course I became a total biking nut! I loved the freedom I felt, how I own the road, the cars can't scare me, I know what I'm doing is right and I feel very safe, etc. (I recommend that course enthusiastically!!)

My husband didn't like that at all. I started going on long rides on the roads, not just the trails, and I posted on the list asking if anyone had any routes to recommend because I kept getting lost? Riding Buddy suggested I ride with him & his wife, and since then I've done several rides with him, his wife, and the two together. I ride with them about once a week. His wife is not up to distances over 40 miles, so the long rides are just him & me, or we all start out together and she might turn back early.

I would love for my husband to get to know Riding Buddy, but he doesn't want to. I wonder now if he was jealous before I started riding with him. Perhaps he blames him for my bike fanaticism.

My husband has made an effort to become more of a cyclist, probably out of jealousy. I ride a lot with him. I will go in to work an hour late if it means I can get a 1/2 hr ride with him. I would love him to increase his fitness, partly for his own health, and partly for my selfish enjoyment of going on more and longer rides with him. I would, and have, turned down a ride with Riding Buddy to go on a ride with my husband. I know I've gone completely nuts about biking and I am vigilant about spending time with my family (husband & daughter) both on and off the bike.

Riding Buddy is 5 yrs younger than me and very physically fit and attractive. I'm sure that doesn't help anything. He is not a womanizer and has traditional values (we have some fun political arguments) and I feel strongly that there is a line which if I crossed he would ride away as fast as he could and never speak to me again. I even mentioned (not in detail) that my husband was jealous just in case his reaction would be "jealous husband? See ya never, bye." but I was relieved when his reaction was more along the lines of "You gotta make your own decisions, I don't want to cause any problems". So if I decided to drop him he would be sad but understanding.

Tandem: that is one of my dreams. It would allow me to pick up/drop off my daughter at school, practices, etc without making her do the trip herself, and without me having to drive the car. It would allow us to go on long rides together. They are not cheap. I wouldn't object to selling the car to buy a tandem, but you can imagine that idea is not popular, besides, I do want to visit my family ocassionally, and to bike 200 miles, although I'm sure I could pull it off, would just take more days than there are in a weekend.

Club rides? clubs? Not so much in this midwest college town.

I waffle between "I should drop Riding Buddy because it bothers him" and "Why should I let his insecurities interfere with this friend?" My husband & I have talked about it...and talked...and talked... It seems like we talk it out and he's ok, then Riding Buddy & I go on a long ride and husband is upset. I have cancelled some rides because my husband said (when asked) that it will bother him. I also must admit that sometimes I have simply not said that I was not alone, and this is a step I really really hate, I am not a dishonest person and it bothers me tremendously to omit information on purpose to be misleading.

I can see from all the discussion that there it is, as I have already found it to be, not simple. I am confident that we will work through this, and I do not think the answer is as simple as "lost the Riding Buddy". I respect both my feelings and my husband's. His jealousy is a fact and I will not paint it wrong or unreasonable, on the other hand I know I will be resentful & angry if I give up a good riding partner to his insecurity. We have been through worse experiences, not jealousy but we have had other situations of resentments & expectations that were touch-and-go and I don't feel that our relationship is crumbling over this. Just getting a bit knocked around.

One way or another there will be some good stories out of all this to tell my grandkids and great grandkids just before I pedal away, leaving them in my dust.

[Kano]

Almost immediately after the course I became a total biking nut! I loved the freedom I felt, how I own the road, the cars can't scare me, I know what I'm doing is right and I feel very safe, etc. (I recommend that course enthusiastically!!)

My husband didn't like that at all. I started going on long rides on the roads, not just the trails, and I posted on the list asking if anyone had any routes to recommend because I kept getting lost? Riding Buddy suggested I ride with him & his wife, and since then I've done several rides with him, his wife, and the two together. I ride with them about once a week. His wife is not up to distances over 40 miles, so the long rides are just him & me, or we all start out together and she might turn back early.

Mel,

are you SURE it's Riding Buddy that your husband is upset about?

Is your husband sure it's Riding Buddy that he's upset about?

Here's something entirely different to think about:

You've started riding on ROADS instead of trails. Roads are filled with CARS, and CARS are big, go real fast, and let's face it, if there's any sort of confrontation between a car and a bicycle, the car will win.

Is it possible that "I don't like you riding with Riding Buddy" is a way to avoid admitting "I'm scared crapless that something could happen to you while you're out there on the roads" ???

MINE says commuting to work is too far for me -- it's about half the distance of HIS commute and we ride that distance just to get a cup of coffee, and we've ridden down to where I work to meet friends for rides, so he KNOWS I can do it. I'm also not supposed to ride north of the freeway -- it's too dangerous for ME (though he does it every day) Oh, and then there's those delightful 30+ mph downhill runs: don't DO that! Then there was that other dandy: don't even THINK about moving your hands when you're going that fast! I think "that fast" was about 15mph that day.

You'd think MY DH could quit riding through the construction zone where "car back" is not just "car back" but "pissy guy in car back" cuz there's no WAY he can go around without taking out a whole bunch of orange barrels! (He took me through there yesterday, and the moment these guys could get around, they'd gun their engines and burn rubber to get around us!)

Karen in Boise

[Dr. Liz]

Mel,

are you SURE it's Riding Buddy that your husband is upset about?

Is your husband sure it's Riding Buddy that he's upset about?

Here's something entirely different to think about:

You've started riding on ROADS instead of trails. Roads are filled with CARS, and CARS are big, go real fast, and let's face it, if there's any sort of confrontation between a car and a bicycle, the car will win.

Is it possible that "I don't like you riding with Riding Buddy" is a way to avoid admitting "I'm scared crapless that something could happen to you while you're out there on the roads" ???

Karen in Boise

I think this is a VERY valid point, and something that you need to talk with your husband about; we've got a couple of guys that we (together) ride with, and there are no issues, but he won't let me ride with them alone. Not a jealousy issue, but his fear that these guys aren't going to be as protective of me as he will be.

Of course, if there are other, deeper issues, then you've GOT to talk with him about that, too. Guys often clam up about 'sensitive' topics, but he's got to understand that if you two are to continue to grow as adults, you've got to talk about tough issues, and get to the root of them.

Not easy. I know. (Heck, it took my husband 3 tries/wives before he learned that talking about stuff rather than dwelling on it was a GOOD thing. Hopefully your husband won't learn it the hard way! )

[GLC1968]

Wow, wow, wow. I haven't been around in a few days, and I've missed this thread! The first thing I noticed is how civil everyone is being. It's so nice to have a place like TE where people can discuss as adults differing opinions/experiences and ideas!

This thread has been eye-opening for me. It's made me appreciate my husband and our biking relationship all that much more!

I've had relationships with jealous men in my past. My husband has had the same. We didn't meet until we were in our mid-30's, so we'd both 'been around the block' so to speak. We knew that when we met, we'd found something special almost immediately and we really, truly understand and trust each other. Jealously of the opposite sex really doesn't play a role in our relationship because not only are neither of us jealous people, but we both trust each other completely. That said, I know that I'd be jealous if my husband found another woman to ride with not because I'd be afraid that he'd cheat or that a friendship would develop into something else (which I find laughable), but because I want to be the person he rides with. This is because biking is as important to me as it is to him and it's something we've shared for 2 years now.

BUT, if I wasn't interested in biking and he wanted to ride with another woman...I'd be fine with it. I know that I'd be fine with it because he's done this exact thing but with tennis. He met a woman through an online service (about sports) and he wants to meet up with her to play. I don't have time for tennis anymore so I'm totally ok with it. And I know he feels the same when the situation is reversed. I ride at lunch at work all the time and 9 times out of 10, I'm riding with a guy from work. In the past, it was almost always with the same guy because we had a similar pace. Not only was DH fine with it, he's now asking why I never mention this guy anymore. When I told him it's because he's not riding anymore, he says that's too bad. No jealously whatsoever.

I will say that I have a feeling that your husband's 'dislike' of your riding situation is probably multi-faceted. It's not likely just about the guy you are riding with. It sounds like it's probably partly that, partly that you are out doing something that he's not involved with at all, partly that you have found a new passion that he's not party to, partly that you are going to be getting in better shape and going places by bike that he can't go. Had you developed a close riding relationship with your buddy's wife instead of your buddy, I'd guess that your husband would still feel some resentment or jealousy. It may be different, or it may be less, but I'd bet it would still be there.

Unfortuantely, outside of what you are doing (talking), I don't really have any helpful advice. It's always hard when one member of a relationship finds a passion that the other member doesn't share. It requires adjustment and change for both parties and it can be difficult. Keep those lines of communication open and good luck!!

[Mr. Bloom]

I waffle between "I should drop Riding Buddy because it bothers him" and "Why should I let his insecurities interfere with this friend?" ...

and I do not think the answer is as simple as "lost the Riding Buddy".

I do bristle at the idea that he is automatically insecure because of his concern. I know of plenty of situations like you describe here that turned into something else, it "just happened". I would characterize him as CAUTIOUS, not insecure...but I assure you that by continuing to rub salt in this wound, his caution is becoming insecurity...and that insecurity will escalate to something else soon if this continues.

I do think it's as easy as saying "lose the riding buddy", but I also have a serious problem with the double standard in his behavior regardless of whether you had a problem with it or not.