Help! husband dislikes riding buddy

[Tuckervill]

First, I don't think jealousy is an irrational emotion. The reason we are jealous can be irrational, but sometimes jealousy is the only rational response.

I'd like to know the back story. How'd you meet the guy? Did you know him before your hubby?

I agree with whomever said you should invite him to spend time with you and your husband. I think a lot of men think men can't just 'be friends' with women, and are suspicious of any man who claims they can. Maybe they can connect one on one and your husband can learn to trust the guy.

Karen

[salsabike]

One of the things that I like about my spouse is that he likes women as human beings. I would probably feel a little jealous/insecure at first if he had a woman riding partner but I would also consider that my thing to deal with, because I would know it didn't mean anything beyond a riding partnership. And he might feel the same--a slight initial twinge, then he would remember that he knows who I love; and that would be an end to the worry.

It bothers me a little that people think their feelings of jealousy, even when they are without a basis in fact, should control the relationships and friendships their SOs are allowed to have. I guess everyone has different ideas of what's okay or good in a marriage. It's important to me to be married to someone who is able to love me without needing to control everything I do, and who is able to know that I love him.

[kelownagirl]

Everyone makes such good points. I think the quote I like best is this:.

"Point is - jealousy is irrational, but it's also a very painful and humiliating emotion. If you care for your partner you try to lessen his jealousy if you can, without ratifying it."

[Mr. Bloom]

and I've stressed it many times to him that it's MY problem,

LPH, I don't believe it is YOUR problem. I really believe that if the two of you are in it together, then any problem that one of you have is a problem that BOTH of you have.

He has a responsibility to not disregard your concerns. Is it irrational to believe that every person is capable of messing up?

"U" is only half of "US"...it's not all of "US"

I'm going to quote my husband here. He always says:

"If you don't have trust within a relationship, then you don't have a relationship".

Personally, I think this is a narrow perspective...while I agree with what you've said, it doesn't go far enough. There's having trust and then there's being constantly tested in that trust. No matter how strong any metal is, stress will cause it to break over time. I trust that a plane is safe...but I know that a plane requires constant maintenance to remain safe. Likewise with any relationship.

[Thorn]

Fascinating thread....it some respects the general thread doesn't match the usual "tone" of TE. I would have thought there would be more answers along the lines lph and Lisa and less that lean towards getting rid of the friend. Hmmm.....

Personally, I'm a geek. Always have been. Always will be (I suspect). Since I was a kid, I've had friends who were male. DH has friends who are female. Neither of us has problems with this. My life would not be as rich if I thought I couldn't have friends of the opposite gender. I wouldn't try to control DH's life by dictating friends and I wouldn't want DH to dictate mine. It comes down to trust.

Like jobob, I wonder if the problem really isn't that the riding buddy is male so much as it is that you're spending a lot of "fun time" without him. If the latter is the case, then as his fitness improves, perhaps the problem will lessen? One would hope this is the case--jealousy is not healthy in a relationship. Better to find out the underlying cause than just treating the symptom.

[LBTC]

This is a very interesting thread. You've given us only the smallest amount of information and each of us is colouring our response with our own experiences and feelings. Hopefully there is something in here that helps you work through this.

DH and have been together a very long time, 20+ years. We just discussed this idea and his thought is: it depends on the guy and the dynamic I have with him.

And he's right. One thing I've really learned over the years, after lots of bad experiences with people, is to trust my intuition. I may have no logical reason to like or dislike someone at the time, but invariably, if I feel uncomfortable about them, they will hurt me or DH at some point. Likewise if I really feel comfortable with someone right away, they may turn out to be a very important friend or contact. And I have to extend that to how DH feels also.

On the other hand, I tried to put myself in the other shoes and I know right off the bat that if DH were riding with a woman who was stronger and faster than I, that I would be jealous. But I would really just be jealous that she was stronger and faster! If it bothered me enough, I imagine that DH would not ride with her very often, but I wouldn't expect him to stop outright, unless she fit into that intuition thing I talked about.

I do realize, though, that if you are a particularly fast and strong woman rider, that in many communities there will not be women who can keep up with you, so, if you are going to have a riding partner of a similar speed and training capacity, it will have to be a man. This can't be disregarded.

Sometimes having a training partner is the best or even the only way to reach your fitness goals. It would be a shame to have to give that up for any reason.

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[KnottedYet]

Maybe a tandem so you and DH can ride together sometimes?
Then perhaps he wouldn't be jealous of your other riding time when you ride without him?

[teigyr]

We just discussed this idea and his thought is: it depends on the guy and the dynamic I have with him.

We discussed this last night too. DH's opinion was that if the guy was a womanizer with disregard to marriage, then that'd be an issue. My point was I do know some indiscriminate type males but they respect MY relationship with DH. So it all comes back to the type of person I'd be friends with. I wouldn't be friends with anyone who would sabotage my relationship and same goes for DH and his friends regardless of gender.

It's funny because I've been in relationships where I have had jealousy twinges but I don't with DH. It's not that I don't care but it's that we are completely open with each other and there is no doubt about our commitment or our feelings.

All that being said, DH will be concerned if we're out and a strange guy tries to talk to me. It isn't that he gets jealous (at least I think not) but he'll stand near me and clearly show that he is DH

[liberty]

I am part of a club and have thoroughly enjoyed the rides and being "pushed" by the faster riders. It has helped me improve. I joined because I'm a single gal who got tired of riding by myself. There are ladies in the club, however the majority of them only do very casual rides (maybe 2-3 women race). I can't do the racers' training rides because they smoke me almost instantly, but I can do the intermediate rides. We're a smaller club, so a huge ride for the intermediates is about 5-6 people.

Without going into unnecessary details, a wife of one of the riders mentioned to someone that she was uncomfortable with the idea of her husband (or any of the married men) ending up on a club ride with a solitary female rider. Meaning just the two going by themselves. As far as appearances, it could be misconstrued; she was concerned for the guys' reputations. So the club finally decided that out of respect for the marriages in the club, any ride at which only one man and one woman showed up would automatically be canceled. I totally understand and agree with the decision.

Yeah, as a single gal, it means there are times when a ride I am planning on attending is canceled. But doesn't being part of a team mean you also look out for the benefit of your team members? I trust the guys in the club. I respect them greatly. And seeing them put their relationships with their wives before their cycling or race training only makes me respect them more. I would like a man who would do that for me.

I talked to my mom about the situation. My parents have a very stable, secure and solid marriage. Both have acquaintances and friends of the opposite sex. And both trust each other implicitly. I've seen them give up things for the benefit and welfare of the other. I don't know the emotional or personal issues which prompted the wife in my story to be uncomfortable. But for me it boiled down to whether or not I was willing to give up something (like a good, hard ride) for the sake of another. For me it is just an opportunity to practice the things that have helped my parents in their marriage.

[Crankin]

I tried to put myself in the opposite situation; if my husband was out riding with another woman, for training, it would upset me. I am not particularly jealous and I know if my husband was out riding with a woman, it would be strictly for the riding! Sorry to say, that I do agree with Mimi. Maybe it's a generational thing. We both have many acquaintances of the opposite gender, mostly from work or other club type situations. But we don't go out and socialize with them separately. I mean, I'm probably not the best person to get an opinion from because I pretty much spend all of my time with my husband and most of it is spent riding! I do participate in group rides that he can't attend. One of the groups is mostly older people, my age and up. The guys there are amazing and very friendly, but they know I'm married.
On the other hand, I live in a place where it is very easy to find someone to ride with and we just had the conversation that it looks like the number of women riders out there has gone up 4X in the last couple of years.

[Trek420]

Maybe a tandem so you and DH can ride together sometimes?
Then perhaps he wouldn't be jealous of your other riding time when you ride without him?

I like this idea if a tandem works for you.

It can allow riders of different abilities to ride together, or for both of you to ride further or faster than you could alone.

Another choice is do rides with him but you take a heavier bike, he's on road bike, you take the mountain bike.

Or do a once a week hammerfest and do rest days with him.

I rode with my cousin, also bikerz, mellisam. My cousin is simply head and shoulders better than any of us. But he was happy to ride with us, he would sometimes turn off route and simply climb a hill just for fun and then come back down and meet up. And this was his rest day

Would DH be ok if you did hill repeats while he simply climbs a hill? Some people just aren't ok with that.

I agree with others that a good "biker buddy" is ideal. When you find someone who rides your speed and distance it is great.

[Jiffer]

If you want to keep your marriage, and keep it a happy one, lose the male riding partner. I'll probably get flamed, but this is an important issue to me. My husband and I make a point not to spend one on one time with people of the opposite sex, especially on an on going basis. We hang out with people of both sexes in a group setting.

This is not necessarily a trust issue or even an "ego" issue. Just a smart way to keep a healthy marriage.

By doing this, we eliminate any issues of possible jealousy, gossip from other people who might not know how platonic the relationship truly is and, of course, any possibility of infidelity. Most every extra-marital affair starts out as "just friends". Few spouses actually "plan" on sleeping with their "buddy" of the opposite sex, but the more time you spend with someone, the more opportunity you have of a spark getting ignited.

And above all else, the fact that your husband is not happy with this situation should be reason enough to avoid it. He should be number one in your life. His feelings and concerns should be more important than spending time with another man. He SHOULD be jealous of you spending time with another man.

The best advice I can give you as for a riding buddy is ... get a tandem! You and your husband can ride together and both ride at your own ability level. The first time I rode a tandem with my husband, I felt so much closer to him. It is something he and I can enjoy "together". Instead of going off and doing our own thing, we're together, working as a team enjoying each other's company. Having a conversation as we ride (unless we're breathlessly plugging away up some hill!) We still ride separately on our singles, but the tandem gives us a chance to come together again at our own ability.

So there's my two cents worth.

[Python]

Personally, I think this is a narrow perspective...while I agree with what you've said, it doesn't go far enough. There's having trust and then there's being constantly tested in that trust. No matter how strong any metal is, stress will cause it to break over time. I trust that a plane is safe...but I know that a plane requires constant maintenance to remain safe. Likewise with any relationship.

My husband and I met through our jobs. We were both taxi drivers and both of us were divorced. As any taxi driver anywhere in the world will tell you, you get propositioned at least 3 times a week. From my own point of view, there are times I could have had my pick of men - some very good looking ones too, and the same goes for my husband with female passengers. The bottom line is we instinctively trust each other and we love each other. Neither of us would bother with anyone else - we're happy with each other Maybe it's because we're older (and met when we were older) and don't have the same lack of confidence and insecurities that often younger people have, I don't know.

We're husband and wife, but we're also best friends too.

[DarcyInOregon]

If you want to keep your marriage, and keep it a happy one, lose the male riding partner. I'll probably get flamed, but this is an important issue to me.

Jiffers, I don't think anyone in this forum flames another, at least not that I have noticed. For flaming you have to go to the male dominated cycling discussion groups.

Darcy

[Irulan]

If you want to keep your marriage, and keep it a happy one, lose the male riding partner. I'll probably get flamed, but this is an important issue to me. My husband and I make a point not to spend one on one time with people of the opposite sex, especially on an on going basis. We hang out with people of both sexes in a group setting.

This is not necessarily a trust issue or even an "ego" issue. Just a smart way to keep a healthy marriage.

By doing this, we eliminate any issues of possible jealousy, gossip from other people who might not know how platonic the relationship truly is and, of course, any possibility of infidelity. Most every extra-marital affair starts out as "just friends". Few spouses actually "plan" on sleeping with their "buddy" of the opposite sex, but the more time you spend with someone, the more opportunity you have of a spark getting ignited.

And above all else, the fact that your husband is not happy with this situation should be reason enough to avoid it. He should be number one in your life. His feelings and concerns should be more important than spending time with another man. He SHOULD be jealous of you spending time with another man.
<snipped>

So there's my two cents worth.

very well said. I think it's important in a marriage ( or committed relationship) to choose NOT do things that you know will hurt your partner, however well grounded you think your relationship is.