Help! husband dislikes riding buddy

[LBTC]

This is a very interesting thread. You've given us only the smallest amount of information and each of us is colouring our response with our own experiences and feelings. Hopefully there is something in here that helps you work through this.

DH and have been together a very long time, 20+ years. We just discussed this idea and his thought is: it depends on the guy and the dynamic I have with him.

And he's right. One thing I've really learned over the years, after lots of bad experiences with people, is to trust my intuition. I may have no logical reason to like or dislike someone at the time, but invariably, if I feel uncomfortable about them, they will hurt me or DH at some point. Likewise if I really feel comfortable with someone right away, they may turn out to be a very important friend or contact. And I have to extend that to how DH feels also.

On the other hand, I tried to put myself in the other shoes and I know right off the bat that if DH were riding with a woman who was stronger and faster than I, that I would be jealous. But I would really just be jealous that she was stronger and faster! If it bothered me enough, I imagine that DH would not ride with her very often, but I wouldn't expect him to stop outright, unless she fit into that intuition thing I talked about.

I do realize, though, that if you are a particularly fast and strong woman rider, that in many communities there will not be women who can keep up with you, so, if you are going to have a riding partner of a similar speed and training capacity, it will have to be a man. This can't be disregarded.

Sometimes having a training partner is the best or even the only way to reach your fitness goals. It would be a shame to have to give that up for any reason.

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[KnottedYet]

Maybe a tandem so you and DH can ride together sometimes?
Then perhaps he wouldn't be jealous of your other riding time when you ride without him?

[Trek420]

Maybe a tandem so you and DH can ride together sometimes?
Then perhaps he wouldn't be jealous of your other riding time when you ride without him?

I like this idea if a tandem works for you.

It can allow riders of different abilities to ride together, or for both of you to ride further or faster than you could alone.

Another choice is do rides with him but you take a heavier bike, he's on road bike, you take the mountain bike.

Or do a once a week hammerfest and do rest days with him.

I rode with my cousin, also bikerz, mellisam. My cousin is simply head and shoulders better than any of us. But he was happy to ride with us, he would sometimes turn off route and simply climb a hill just for fun and then come back down and meet up. And this was his rest day

Would DH be ok if you did hill repeats while he simply climbs a hill? Some people just aren't ok with that.

I agree with others that a good "biker buddy" is ideal. When you find someone who rides your speed and distance it is great.

[kelownagirl]

I love what Jiffer said - well put! Dh and I have discussed and we both really agree with you.

I like this idea if a tandem works for you.

It can allow riders of different abilities to ride together, or for both of you to ride further or faster than you could alone.

Another choice is do rides with him but you take a heavier bike, he's on road bike, you take the mountain bike.

Or do a once a week hammerfest and do rest days with him.

I rode with my cousin, also bikerz, mellisam. My cousin is simply head and shoulders better than any of us. But he was happy to ride with us, he would sometimes turn off route and simply climb a hill just for fun and then come back down and meet up. And this was his rest day

Would DH be ok if you did hill repeats while he simply climbs a hill? Some people just aren't ok with that.

I agree with others that a good "biker buddy" is ideal. When you find someone who rides your speed and distance it is great.

DH and I have finally solved our "unequal" riding abilities issue to both of our satisfaction because we really like riding together. On days when he feels like hammering and I don't (or can't), he does 4 minute intervals (rides ahead hard for 4 minutes, then turns around and rides back to meet me), and he repeats the intervals as long as he wants. We get to touch base every 5 minutes or so, I can ride at my own speed, and I don't feel alone out there (I am still freaked out about riding alone since I became allergic to wasps). I am amazed how fast 5 minutes goes too. We don't do it the whole ride, usually it's just the middle 1/3 but it works great. One other thing we sometimes do - he rides my pace for a 30-40k ride and then he does 4-5 hill repeats when we get home to finish off his workout. Of course, after a year of riding together, the days he doesn't get a good workout are fewer and far between. I'm sure the same thing would happen with your hubby.

So how about some feedback Melalvai? Can you give us any more background? Is this unusual for your dh or is he a little on the controlling side? That would make a difference to me too.

[Melalvai]

Is this unusual for your dh or is he a little on the controlling side?

I'd have to say unusual for him, although not completely uncharacteristic.

[Batbike]

In fact, my top 3 riding buddies are male! At first, I never thought anything of it, riding with men, because female riders are few and far between and the men took me in and helped me learn to cycle ... all good. Then, after time, my DH started wondering (just a little) about these "mystery men" I kept talking to, talking about, and riding with. So, I made it a point to bring him to group social events (off the bike) and introduce him. Then, I bought him a bike so he could learn to enjoy the sport and my cycling friends. It helped.

As for my FAVORITE riding buddy -- he was dating a woman at the time who became jeolous of our relationship and it strained their relationship. We both decided to make "extra" efforts toward each others' SO. My DH began to get more comfortable with my buddy because he too had a friendly relationship with him ... all good. As for my riding buddy, he broke-up with his girlfriend and is now dating a women who is not insecure and has no issues with us riding together - all good.

Today, my DH and favorite riding buddy, along with a few other friends (including 2 women and another favorite riding buddy) all rode together. It was fun, we enjoyed each other's company, and had a great ride! OK, it has taken a few years and a little work to get to this point, but marriage still in tack and riding buddies still firmly in place! All good!!!

[Zen]

You're 33, you've been married 13 years. You married when you were 20, still a girl.
You're discovering you're abilities and establishing some independence.
Riding Buddy is only part of the issue here.

[IFjane]

You're 33, you've been married 13 years. You married when you were 20, still a girl.
You're discovering you're abilities and establishing some independence.
Riding Buddy is only part of the issue here.

The wise and wonderful zen has done it again. I completely agree (voice of experience).

The problem is, if you ditch the riding buddy you are compromising your goals/abilities/fun on the bike. In time resentment will grow (though you might not realize it at first - it will be internal). However, if you DON'T ditch the riding buddy, you also may be compromising your relationship with your DH.

Bat, I like the way your worked your cycling issues out. Maybe you could follow her plan, Mel?

[Batbike]

as I read more and more of this thread I am COMPLETELY amazed at the male-female issues everyone is sharing ... who would have thought that riding a bike with other cyclists, no matter what the gender, could be such an issue!!

It is bike riding ... an aerobic exercise that takes some or most, if not all of an individual's energy to preform -- who's got time for anything else?!!

OK, maybe the issue is NOT WHEN riding, but forming a relationship WHILE riding -- I get that. If fact, I have one riding buddy who has made it clear he would like more than "just riding buddies" and I know his wife and kids!! Needless to say, I nipped that in the bud quickly and told other riders in our core group about his intentions -- they too took him aside to discuss his issues. YES, they are his issues and not mine. Have I told my DH -- NO, because I don't need DH to "create" issues with male riders that aren't there. Most riders ARE MALE and most riders JUST WANT TO RIDE.

Male or female, we all have one thing in common -- the bicycle. Personally, I don't see how gender needs to effect the love of the sport. If you ride well with someone, enjoy their company while riding, and the whole experience promotes the love of the bike, why not ride with them? Of course, if there is "outside bike chemistry or misguided thinking" than that needs to be dealt with immediately -- go with it, ignore it, or deal with it. As women working hard to improve our bodies and mind through cycling, it is important to stand-up to those who interfere with the passion of cycling; it is important to be empowered, standing strong for ourselves and what we need and want from cycling. I hope no woman allows a SO to dictate how, when, where, and with whom they ride. If cycling is your passion, then embrace it and feel empowered to keep riding -- with whatever gender keeps you riding, as long as you feel good about it and it meets your needs ... feel the power!!!

[ladyicon]

I think that you have to decide which is more important to you (now, now, be sensible). It is not his fault that he is jealous, you would also be jealous if he rode off with a woman and left you behind. I suggest you find a female riding partner. It may be hard to find a riding buddy, but is is even harder to find a good man!!!
You never know if you tell you husband "you are right dear, I won't ride with so and so cause I love you and respect you", you never know, he may feel so bad about pulling you away from riding that that he will insist on you riding with him.
Good luck, and remember, good men are hard to find!

[Zen]

Good luck, and remember, good men are hard to find!

Yes, and so are good women. A relationship is a two way street.

[Zen]

This is short, to the point, and worth reading


Why Do I Get Jealous?

How to control the green-eyed monster
By Dr. Scott Haltzman, http://www.hitchedmag.com

Question: Why do I get so jealous when my partner talks to other people?
Answer: When you first connected with your partner and looked into their eyes, it felt like he or she was the only person in the room. As you get deeper into your relationship and call yourselves a couple, the realization hits you: You and your partner are not alone on this planet. There are others! Are they a threat?
When we are in a committed relationship, we assume the connection we have with each other will be strong enough to fend off outside threats. In some ways, this you-belong-to-me-and-I-belong-to-you mentality is sweet; it's the stuff of pop songs and poetry. But sometimes the intensity of that connection is too strong.
When one partner sees everyone whom his or her partner comes into contact with as a potential threat, it is
“a sign that jealousy has taken hold”
a sign that jealousy has taken hold. Shakespeare called it "the green-eyed monster," and once it gets a hold of your relationship, it sinks its teeth in and can rip it apart.
What causes jealousy?
If you've got strong feelings of jealousy, it's probably a sign that you don't have enough trust in your partner that he or she is being faithful to you. That lack of trust may be prompted by one of four factors.

* You may feel insecure about your self-worth. In these cases, either you've been raised to believe, or some part of your inner self feels, that you just don't measure up. Because you don't love yourself, you can't believe that others would love you, so you live in fear that your partner's "true" feelings will be revealed and she will leave.
* You're prone to cheating on your partner -- maybe even have done so. Knowing what you're capable of, you project that behavior onto your partner.
* You and your partner haven't yet figured out how to
“establish safe boundaries within the relationship”
establish safe boundaries within the relationship. Having a tight bond is about building walls around your love with windows that allow others to be part of it -- not doors where competing lovers can walk right in and disrupt your home. Because you don't know what's permissible within the relationship and what's not, you're constantly on your toes.
* Your mate is cheating on you. Cheating doesn't have to include sex; it often has to do with making emotional connections to others outside the relationship. If your partner is sharing things about your private life with attractive members of the opposite sex, it robs a sense of intimacy from your relationship and leaves you feeling vulnerable.

Knowing the factors that lead to jealousy is an important first step to getting things fixed.
“Put your focus on building trust”
Put your focus on building trust. If you've got some growing up to do, therapy may help. Both of you have to learn how to set boundaries in the relationship. That requires respecting your mate's definition of limits of outside relationships from the start.
Over time, as trust builds, you and your partner can redefine what feels safe for the relationship. After all, when you've got a great relationship, you want to share it with the world.
Want to read more articles from Hitched? Check out hitchedmag.com

[DarcyInOregon]

as I read more and more of this thread I am COMPLETELY amazed at the male-female issues everyone is sharing ... who would have thought that riding a bike with other cyclists, no matter what the gender, could be such an issue!!

It is bike riding ... an aerobic exercise that takes some or most, if not all of an individual's energy to preform -- who's got time for anything else?!!

Batbike, your entire post was well-written.

Everyone has a different opinion based on their perspective. I guess I am amazed at the number of marriages that might teeter if a spouse is put in close proximity to a member of the opposite sex, therefore the opinion is that one's spouse should never be put in such a situation.

It is like a step back in time, taking away all of the advances women have made over the past 100 years. Seriously, is a female detective not supposed to work with a male dectective? Is a female executive not supposed to hire a male assistant because they will be alone together, day-after-day? Is a female Navy officer not supposed to go in a submarine because she is the only female? Is a female astronaut not supposed to go up in the space shuttle because she will be isolated with only male companions?

I've only thought of a few examples of every day life where men and women work together, closely and intimately, because it is their profession and their job. For this situation, it is like Batbike said, "It is bike riding." It would be ridiculous for a spouse to declare that the married partner should give up a profession because of working with the opposite sex, and the same is true of cycling.

What is next? The female racers should give up their training coaches because they are male?

Darcy

[Jo-n-NY]

My situation is the opposite. My husband rides with a female friend of ours. Actually she was a customer of his and he knew her before I did. They both have Thursdays as their day off and I have weekends. As I still do I take my vacation days on Thursdays to ride with them but needless to say, vacation days only go so far. Anyway, the only thing I was jealous about was that I am in work and they are riding.

He would call me a couple of times through their ride to let me know he was thinking of me and tell me where they rode to. However, she has become my cycling buddy and very good friend, actually she is my best friend now and the person I ride my organized rides with. But when I ride on the weekends, I feel guilty because my husband isn't with us, but I am sure as time goes by this will all pan out so we can all ride together all the time.

~ JoAnn

[Trekhawk]

Batbike, your entire post was well-written.

Everyone has a different opinion based on their perspective. I guess I am amazed at the number of marriages that might teeter if a spouse is put in close proximity to a member of the opposite sex, therefore the opinion is that one's spouse should never be put in such a situation.

It is like a step back in time, taking away all of the advances women have made over the past 100 years. Seriously, is a female detective not supposed to work with a male dectective? Is a female executive not supposed to hire a male assistant because they will be alone together, day-after-day? Is a female Navy officer not supposed to go in a submarine because she is the only female? Is a female astronaut not supposed to go up in the space shuttle because she will be isolated with only male companions?

I've only thought of a few examples of every day life where men and women work together, closely and intimately, because it is their profession and their job. For this situation, it is like Batbike said, "It is bike riding." It would be ridiculous for a spouse to declare that the married partner should give up a profession because of working with the opposite sex, and the same is true of cycling.

What is next? The female racers should give up their training coaches because they are male?

Darcy

LOL - this thread is very interesting and Darcy you really made me laugh with this post. Well said Darcy!!
My husband's last job was based on a ship overseas for six months a ship with not only men but women. When some of my acquaintances found out about this they were horrifed. They asked didn't I worry about him maybe fooling around with these women when he would be away for so long. I can honestly say it never crossed my mind. I can't live my life like that. I honestly don't believe people have affairs just because they are thrown together. I believe however that great friendships dont have to be reserved for people of the same sex.