Help! husband dislikes riding buddy

[indysteel]

I say all of the following with the caveat that I've never been married, so I can only speculate as to how I might deal with a similar situation if I were married. However, I have been involved with men with close female friends, and have generally taken the approach that until I have some concrete reason not to trust the situation then whatever issues I have with it are a product of my own insecurities and, therefore, more or less "my" problem to fix. Asking someone to pacify those insecurites by getting rid of the friend would likely prove to be only a temporary fix as the insecurities would just manifest themselves in some other way. And if there really is some larger trust issue, getting rid of the friend would again just mask the problem. In fact, I'm of the opinion that demanding someone disavow a relationship with a member of the opposite sex for no other reason than it just makes them feel threatened, is just the type of behavior that can ultimately lead to infidelity--maybe not in the shortrun, but over time.

Building and maintaining trust, it seems to me, isn't about eliminating all forms of temptation. For one, that's just unrealistic. For another, in my opinoin, infidelity is more often than not a byproduct of what happens within a marriage, not because of what happens outside of it. In that sense, the energy spent worrying about exes, coworkers, friends at the gym and riding buddies could be better spent nurturing and growing the relationship in more positive ways or, in some cases, working on yourself.

I'm not suggesting that Mel not listen to her husband's concerns or pay them any heed, but I would encourage both of them to identify what they're really about. Are they about his insecurities as a cyclist? Fear that she is looking elsewhere to have some of her needs met? Fear about her getting hurt on the road? Insecurities about his own attractiveness or manliness? Fear that they're growing apart? Assuming they're able to identify the real issue--which will admittedly require some honesty and introspection--then finding a solution that actually addresses it may obviate the need to "lose the riding buddy." Maybe he just needs reassurance that she finds him attractive and sexy. Maybe they need to come to a better understanding about what a healthy, balanced marriage means to both of them and whether it can or should include outside interests and people. Maybe he needs to admit that some of his insecurities about their respective athleticism are his to work through with her encouragement. Maybe he just needs to get to know the riding buddy himself.

And if she does decide to "lose the riding buddy," there's nothing wrong with making that decision for the health of the marriage, as long as it's a decision made voluntarily and not because of threats, compulsion or ultimatums.

[margo49]

It is bike riding ... an aerobic exercise that takes some or most, if not all of an individual's energy to preform -- who's got time for anything else?!!

This is what I was getting at in my previous post.
Like the Zen monk said "I ride my bike to ride my bike"

[xeney]

This is sort of an interesting and timely thread for me. My husband and I have been together since 1994, so whatever jealousy issues we had back then (and I for one had plenty) have long since been worked out. His best not-me friend is a woman, and in some ways they probably spend more time together than we do, because they work together and go to lunch together every day. But she's my friend too and I have no issues with that relationship -- in fact, I fully support it and the extent of my jealousy is that they go to a lot of restaurants that I am too busy to visit, and they never bring me take-out.

Right now, though, I am unable to ride, and we are not spending any fun time together, mostly because I am not having any fun ... I'm just working, getting the house ready for a baby, and sitting around with my damn feet up wondering whose dumb idea it was to have a baby in August. I can barely walk two blocks, much less get on a bike or go hiking or do any of the stuff that we usually do for fun.

Meanwhile, he's joined a cycling club and going for long rides every weekend. The fact that there are women in the group doesn't bother me (I have joked about the fact that he is spending his weekends with hot young chicks in spandex while I am here turning into Shamu, but it is really not an issue, and in fact one of those young chicks is probably going to be our part-time nanny); I am mostly jealous of the guys. Because he rides with them all the time, and I am not riding at all, and I am petty and bitter and I want to go have fun and let him sit around with his feet up for a change.

For me, irrational sexual jealousy -- i.e., the idea that he might run off and screw some young thing if I let him out of my sight or "allow" him to interact with other women -- is my own problem, one I am glad to rarely experience these days, and one that I would not tolerate in my partner if the tables were turned. But sadness and a feeling that you are being neglected because your partner is having all of his or her fun with other people, that's a different issue, and one that does need to be addressed. So I would say that it is really important to figure out which of these things is going on.

(My husband has been very adamant that we take the grandparents up on their offers of babysitting once the baby arrives, so that we can go back to riding together even before she is old enough to tag along, and we should be able to resume other stuff like hiking as soon as I am recovered and the baby can hold her head up in the carrier. So our situation is, I hope, temporary, but I am pretty cranky about it right now.)

[teigyr]

We just discussed this idea and his thought is: it depends on the guy and the dynamic I have with him.

We discussed this last night too. DH's opinion was that if the guy was a womanizer with disregard to marriage, then that'd be an issue. My point was I do know some indiscriminate type males but they respect MY relationship with DH. So it all comes back to the type of person I'd be friends with. I wouldn't be friends with anyone who would sabotage my relationship and same goes for DH and his friends regardless of gender.

It's funny because I've been in relationships where I have had jealousy twinges but I don't with DH. It's not that I don't care but it's that we are completely open with each other and there is no doubt about our commitment or our feelings.

All that being said, DH will be concerned if we're out and a strange guy tries to talk to me. It isn't that he gets jealous (at least I think not) but he'll stand near me and clearly show that he is DH

[Crankin]

I tried to put myself in the opposite situation; if my husband was out riding with another woman, for training, it would upset me. I am not particularly jealous and I know if my husband was out riding with a woman, it would be strictly for the riding! Sorry to say, that I do agree with Mimi. Maybe it's a generational thing. We both have many acquaintances of the opposite gender, mostly from work or other club type situations. But we don't go out and socialize with them separately. I mean, I'm probably not the best person to get an opinion from because I pretty much spend all of my time with my husband and most of it is spent riding! I do participate in group rides that he can't attend. One of the groups is mostly older people, my age and up. The guys there are amazing and very friendly, but they know I'm married.
On the other hand, I live in a place where it is very easy to find someone to ride with and we just had the conversation that it looks like the number of women riders out there has gone up 4X in the last couple of years.

[liberty]

I am part of a club and have thoroughly enjoyed the rides and being "pushed" by the faster riders. It has helped me improve. I joined because I'm a single gal who got tired of riding by myself. There are ladies in the club, however the majority of them only do very casual rides (maybe 2-3 women race). I can't do the racers' training rides because they smoke me almost instantly, but I can do the intermediate rides. We're a smaller club, so a huge ride for the intermediates is about 5-6 people.

Without going into unnecessary details, a wife of one of the riders mentioned to someone that she was uncomfortable with the idea of her husband (or any of the married men) ending up on a club ride with a solitary female rider. Meaning just the two going by themselves. As far as appearances, it could be misconstrued; she was concerned for the guys' reputations. So the club finally decided that out of respect for the marriages in the club, any ride at which only one man and one woman showed up would automatically be canceled. I totally understand and agree with the decision.

Yeah, as a single gal, it means there are times when a ride I am planning on attending is canceled. But doesn't being part of a team mean you also look out for the benefit of your team members? I trust the guys in the club. I respect them greatly. And seeing them put their relationships with their wives before their cycling or race training only makes me respect them more. I would like a man who would do that for me.

I talked to my mom about the situation. My parents have a very stable, secure and solid marriage. Both have acquaintances and friends of the opposite sex. And both trust each other implicitly. I've seen them give up things for the benefit and welfare of the other. I don't know the emotional or personal issues which prompted the wife in my story to be uncomfortable. But for me it boiled down to whether or not I was willing to give up something (like a good, hard ride) for the sake of another. For me it is just an opportunity to practice the things that have helped my parents in their marriage.

[Melalvai]

This is a very interesting thread. You've given us only the smallest amount of information and each of us is colouring our response with our own experiences and feelings.

Yes, this has been awesome, and I am amazed at the lack of flaming.

Sometimes having a training partner is the best or even the only way to reach your fitness goals. It would be a shame to have to give that up for any reason.

I should mention that I do not have specific goals, like to complete a certain distance or reach an ave speed or finish something in a certain time. When I ride with Riding Buddy, my goal is to have a challenging ride, whatever that ends up being. When I ride with my husband, my goal is for him to have an enjoyable ride. When I ride by myself, my goal is enjoyment.