Help! husband dislikes riding buddy

[lph]

I have the dubious pleasure of being able to see this case from both sides...

My dh has a female climbing buddy that I'm jealous of. She is smart, an ex-colleague of his, funny, charming, 5 yrs younger than me, oh, and I forgot to mention - gorgeous. Guys flock to her like moths to a flame. No, I'm not worried that my dh will do anything wrong, but I'm not happy about the idea that on a sunny afternoon he's out having a terrific time at a climbing crag with this girl - instead of me.

I know my reaction is irrational, and I've stressed it many times to him that it's MY problem, not his, but I asked for one thing - that he invite her home for dinner so that I could get to know her too. And for me it helped just making myself visible to her, if that makes sense. And it helps actually seeing them together, and seeing that they relate to each other on a purely friendly level.

On the other hand, I have a biking buddy who I find very funny and enjoyable to be around, and I noticed my dh looking kind of unhappy when I mentioned going biking with him. I asked dh to come along, but he was afraid of getting dropped...

I then made a point out of getting biking buddy to come inside before the ride to "have something to drink", so dh could see that this is just an average-looking guy, 15 yrs his senior, slightly overweight, who happens to love biking - and not some hot, young athlete...

Point is - jealousy is irrational, but it's also a very painful and humiliating emotion. If you care for your partner you try to lessen his jealousy if you can, without ratifying it.

[margo49]

Tricky situation.

You could try telling him you would not think of leaving your *bike* for a man; since you love riding so much you aren't going to be doing anything else but riding.
Btw, how does your bike feel about this?

[Melalvai]

Btw, how does your bike feel about this?

That's the best question yet!! My bike wants to go fast. It thinks I ought to ride much more often, with everyone or by myself! It wants me to spend money on really good lights so I can ride even the dark trail at night, and get clipless pedals. It wants me to spend money on supported rides (centuries and the like) and go touring. It wants more friends in the garage (tandem, spare bike for when its in the shop) and it wants that big old gas eating thing out of there!

It is such a demanding bike.

[mimitabby]

Mela
you seem to have a good understanding of the problem. And your husband can see intellectually that jealousy isn't helping, but feelings don't just disappear as we all know. they are there. So since he is intellectualizing, that will help.
THe other thing is the time thing.
I think that was the biggest gripe i had when DH was riding a lot and i was home with the kids. He could have been cycling with ugly dudes, it didn't matter. He was out on the bike and i was home stuck with chores (but i didn't want to ride at that point either)
look for used Tandems. Deals happen. I've seen them. Don't sell your car, you're going to want it in the winter

[Mr. Bloom]

and I've stressed it many times to him that it's MY problem,

LPH, I don't believe it is YOUR problem. I really believe that if the two of you are in it together, then any problem that one of you have is a problem that BOTH of you have.

He has a responsibility to not disregard your concerns. Is it irrational to believe that every person is capable of messing up?

"U" is only half of "US"...it's not all of "US"

I'm going to quote my husband here. He always says:

"If you don't have trust within a relationship, then you don't have a relationship".

Personally, I think this is a narrow perspective...while I agree with what you've said, it doesn't go far enough. There's having trust and then there's being constantly tested in that trust. No matter how strong any metal is, stress will cause it to break over time. I trust that a plane is safe...but I know that a plane requires constant maintenance to remain safe. Likewise with any relationship.

[Thorn]

Fascinating thread....it some respects the general thread doesn't match the usual "tone" of TE. I would have thought there would be more answers along the lines lph and Lisa and less that lean towards getting rid of the friend. Hmmm.....

Personally, I'm a geek. Always have been. Always will be (I suspect). Since I was a kid, I've had friends who were male. DH has friends who are female. Neither of us has problems with this. My life would not be as rich if I thought I couldn't have friends of the opposite gender. I wouldn't try to control DH's life by dictating friends and I wouldn't want DH to dictate mine. It comes down to trust.

Like jobob, I wonder if the problem really isn't that the riding buddy is male so much as it is that you're spending a lot of "fun time" without him. If the latter is the case, then as his fitness improves, perhaps the problem will lessen? One would hope this is the case--jealousy is not healthy in a relationship. Better to find out the underlying cause than just treating the symptom.

[LBTC]

This is a very interesting thread. You've given us only the smallest amount of information and each of us is colouring our response with our own experiences and feelings. Hopefully there is something in here that helps you work through this.

DH and have been together a very long time, 20+ years. We just discussed this idea and his thought is: it depends on the guy and the dynamic I have with him.

And he's right. One thing I've really learned over the years, after lots of bad experiences with people, is to trust my intuition. I may have no logical reason to like or dislike someone at the time, but invariably, if I feel uncomfortable about them, they will hurt me or DH at some point. Likewise if I really feel comfortable with someone right away, they may turn out to be a very important friend or contact. And I have to extend that to how DH feels also.

On the other hand, I tried to put myself in the other shoes and I know right off the bat that if DH were riding with a woman who was stronger and faster than I, that I would be jealous. But I would really just be jealous that she was stronger and faster! If it bothered me enough, I imagine that DH would not ride with her very often, but I wouldn't expect him to stop outright, unless she fit into that intuition thing I talked about.

I do realize, though, that if you are a particularly fast and strong woman rider, that in many communities there will not be women who can keep up with you, so, if you are going to have a riding partner of a similar speed and training capacity, it will have to be a man. This can't be disregarded.

Sometimes having a training partner is the best or even the only way to reach your fitness goals. It would be a shame to have to give that up for any reason.

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[KnottedYet]

Maybe a tandem so you and DH can ride together sometimes?
Then perhaps he wouldn't be jealous of your other riding time when you ride without him?

[Trek420]

Maybe a tandem so you and DH can ride together sometimes?
Then perhaps he wouldn't be jealous of your other riding time when you ride without him?

I like this idea if a tandem works for you.

It can allow riders of different abilities to ride together, or for both of you to ride further or faster than you could alone.

Another choice is do rides with him but you take a heavier bike, he's on road bike, you take the mountain bike.

Or do a once a week hammerfest and do rest days with him.

I rode with my cousin, also bikerz, mellisam. My cousin is simply head and shoulders better than any of us. But he was happy to ride with us, he would sometimes turn off route and simply climb a hill just for fun and then come back down and meet up. And this was his rest day

Would DH be ok if you did hill repeats while he simply climbs a hill? Some people just aren't ok with that.

I agree with others that a good "biker buddy" is ideal. When you find someone who rides your speed and distance it is great.

[kelownagirl]

I love what Jiffer said - well put! Dh and I have discussed and we both really agree with you.

I like this idea if a tandem works for you.

It can allow riders of different abilities to ride together, or for both of you to ride further or faster than you could alone.

Another choice is do rides with him but you take a heavier bike, he's on road bike, you take the mountain bike.

Or do a once a week hammerfest and do rest days with him.

I rode with my cousin, also bikerz, mellisam. My cousin is simply head and shoulders better than any of us. But he was happy to ride with us, he would sometimes turn off route and simply climb a hill just for fun and then come back down and meet up. And this was his rest day

Would DH be ok if you did hill repeats while he simply climbs a hill? Some people just aren't ok with that.

I agree with others that a good "biker buddy" is ideal. When you find someone who rides your speed and distance it is great.

DH and I have finally solved our "unequal" riding abilities issue to both of our satisfaction because we really like riding together. On days when he feels like hammering and I don't (or can't), he does 4 minute intervals (rides ahead hard for 4 minutes, then turns around and rides back to meet me), and he repeats the intervals as long as he wants. We get to touch base every 5 minutes or so, I can ride at my own speed, and I don't feel alone out there (I am still freaked out about riding alone since I became allergic to wasps). I am amazed how fast 5 minutes goes too. We don't do it the whole ride, usually it's just the middle 1/3 but it works great. One other thing we sometimes do - he rides my pace for a 30-40k ride and then he does 4-5 hill repeats when we get home to finish off his workout. Of course, after a year of riding together, the days he doesn't get a good workout are fewer and far between. I'm sure the same thing would happen with your hubby.

So how about some feedback Melalvai? Can you give us any more background? Is this unusual for your dh or is he a little on the controlling side? That would make a difference to me too.

[Melalvai]

Is this unusual for your dh or is he a little on the controlling side?

I'd have to say unusual for him, although not completely uncharacteristic.

[Batbike]

In fact, my top 3 riding buddies are male! At first, I never thought anything of it, riding with men, because female riders are few and far between and the men took me in and helped me learn to cycle ... all good. Then, after time, my DH started wondering (just a little) about these "mystery men" I kept talking to, talking about, and riding with. So, I made it a point to bring him to group social events (off the bike) and introduce him. Then, I bought him a bike so he could learn to enjoy the sport and my cycling friends. It helped.

As for my FAVORITE riding buddy -- he was dating a woman at the time who became jeolous of our relationship and it strained their relationship. We both decided to make "extra" efforts toward each others' SO. My DH began to get more comfortable with my buddy because he too had a friendly relationship with him ... all good. As for my riding buddy, he broke-up with his girlfriend and is now dating a women who is not insecure and has no issues with us riding together - all good.

Today, my DH and favorite riding buddy, along with a few other friends (including 2 women and another favorite riding buddy) all rode together. It was fun, we enjoyed each other's company, and had a great ride! OK, it has taken a few years and a little work to get to this point, but marriage still in tack and riding buddies still firmly in place! All good!!!

[Batbike]

as I read more and more of this thread I am COMPLETELY amazed at the male-female issues everyone is sharing ... who would have thought that riding a bike with other cyclists, no matter what the gender, could be such an issue!!

It is bike riding ... an aerobic exercise that takes some or most, if not all of an individual's energy to preform -- who's got time for anything else?!!

OK, maybe the issue is NOT WHEN riding, but forming a relationship WHILE riding -- I get that. If fact, I have one riding buddy who has made it clear he would like more than "just riding buddies" and I know his wife and kids!! Needless to say, I nipped that in the bud quickly and told other riders in our core group about his intentions -- they too took him aside to discuss his issues. YES, they are his issues and not mine. Have I told my DH -- NO, because I don't need DH to "create" issues with male riders that aren't there. Most riders ARE MALE and most riders JUST WANT TO RIDE.

Male or female, we all have one thing in common -- the bicycle. Personally, I don't see how gender needs to effect the love of the sport. If you ride well with someone, enjoy their company while riding, and the whole experience promotes the love of the bike, why not ride with them? Of course, if there is "outside bike chemistry or misguided thinking" than that needs to be dealt with immediately -- go with it, ignore it, or deal with it. As women working hard to improve our bodies and mind through cycling, it is important to stand-up to those who interfere with the passion of cycling; it is important to be empowered, standing strong for ourselves and what we need and want from cycling. I hope no woman allows a SO to dictate how, when, where, and with whom they ride. If cycling is your passion, then embrace it and feel empowered to keep riding -- with whatever gender keeps you riding, as long as you feel good about it and it meets your needs ... feel the power!!!

[teigyr]

We just discussed this idea and his thought is: it depends on the guy and the dynamic I have with him.

We discussed this last night too. DH's opinion was that if the guy was a womanizer with disregard to marriage, then that'd be an issue. My point was I do know some indiscriminate type males but they respect MY relationship with DH. So it all comes back to the type of person I'd be friends with. I wouldn't be friends with anyone who would sabotage my relationship and same goes for DH and his friends regardless of gender.

It's funny because I've been in relationships where I have had jealousy twinges but I don't with DH. It's not that I don't care but it's that we are completely open with each other and there is no doubt about our commitment or our feelings.

All that being said, DH will be concerned if we're out and a strange guy tries to talk to me. It isn't that he gets jealous (at least I think not) but he'll stand near me and clearly show that he is DH

[Crankin]

I tried to put myself in the opposite situation; if my husband was out riding with another woman, for training, it would upset me. I am not particularly jealous and I know if my husband was out riding with a woman, it would be strictly for the riding! Sorry to say, that I do agree with Mimi. Maybe it's a generational thing. We both have many acquaintances of the opposite gender, mostly from work or other club type situations. But we don't go out and socialize with them separately. I mean, I'm probably not the best person to get an opinion from because I pretty much spend all of my time with my husband and most of it is spent riding! I do participate in group rides that he can't attend. One of the groups is mostly older people, my age and up. The guys there are amazing and very friendly, but they know I'm married.
On the other hand, I live in a place where it is very easy to find someone to ride with and we just had the conversation that it looks like the number of women riders out there has gone up 4X in the last couple of years.