Help! husband dislikes riding buddy

[Triskeliongirl]

My first reaction was that your husband is being ridiculous, but then I put myself in his shoes, which I can a little cuz in our family my husband is the stronger rider. Recently a new gal from cali moved here and started riding with our club. Being used to the cali mountains, she was able to hang with the two fastest men on a recent ride, my hubby included. They both joked after the ride how they 'could have dropped her' but hey, that would be unfriendly given she is new to the club and did such a great job keeping up, they didn't want her to ride alone, while the other fellow (who is also very happily married) also commented 'and she is hot.' Well, while I was a tad jealeous that I can't do what she can, it didn't really bother me since she was with both of them, and I was out there too. But, if my husband started making plans to ride exclusively with this women, it would bug me (and I have been married 20+ years). The way we handle the strength difference is that we ride with a club that has rides of varying distances starting from the same spot. That way we drive to the ride together, talk about it after together, but just ride with our respective peer groups. I just always do one distance shorter than him.

I think whether you think your husband's feelings are rationale or not, that he is your husband and you have to respect how he feels. Jealousy is not a rationale emotion. Is there a club you could ride with that has riders of variable ability. I am sure he would be less jealeous if you just hung with a GROUP of faster men, vs this one specific guy.

[lph]

I have the dubious pleasure of being able to see this case from both sides...

My dh has a female climbing buddy that I'm jealous of. She is smart, an ex-colleague of his, funny, charming, 5 yrs younger than me, oh, and I forgot to mention - gorgeous. Guys flock to her like moths to a flame. No, I'm not worried that my dh will do anything wrong, but I'm not happy about the idea that on a sunny afternoon he's out having a terrific time at a climbing crag with this girl - instead of me.

I know my reaction is irrational, and I've stressed it many times to him that it's MY problem, not his, but I asked for one thing - that he invite her home for dinner so that I could get to know her too. And for me it helped just making myself visible to her, if that makes sense. And it helps actually seeing them together, and seeing that they relate to each other on a purely friendly level.

On the other hand, I have a biking buddy who I find very funny and enjoyable to be around, and I noticed my dh looking kind of unhappy when I mentioned going biking with him. I asked dh to come along, but he was afraid of getting dropped...

I then made a point out of getting biking buddy to come inside before the ride to "have something to drink", so dh could see that this is just an average-looking guy, 15 yrs his senior, slightly overweight, who happens to love biking - and not some hot, young athlete...

Point is - jealousy is irrational, but it's also a very painful and humiliating emotion. If you care for your partner you try to lessen his jealousy if you can, without ratifying it.

[margo49]

Tricky situation.

You could try telling him you would not think of leaving your *bike* for a man; since you love riding so much you aren't going to be doing anything else but riding.
Btw, how does your bike feel about this?

[Melalvai]

Btw, how does your bike feel about this?

That's the best question yet!! My bike wants to go fast. It thinks I ought to ride much more often, with everyone or by myself! It wants me to spend money on really good lights so I can ride even the dark trail at night, and get clipless pedals. It wants me to spend money on supported rides (centuries and the like) and go touring. It wants more friends in the garage (tandem, spare bike for when its in the shop) and it wants that big old gas eating thing out of there!

It is such a demanding bike.

[mimitabby]

Mela
you seem to have a good understanding of the problem. And your husband can see intellectually that jealousy isn't helping, but feelings don't just disappear as we all know. they are there. So since he is intellectualizing, that will help.
THe other thing is the time thing.
I think that was the biggest gripe i had when DH was riding a lot and i was home with the kids. He could have been cycling with ugly dudes, it didn't matter. He was out on the bike and i was home stuck with chores (but i didn't want to ride at that point either)
look for used Tandems. Deals happen. I've seen them. Don't sell your car, you're going to want it in the winter

[Mr. Bloom]

and I've stressed it many times to him that it's MY problem,

LPH, I don't believe it is YOUR problem. I really believe that if the two of you are in it together, then any problem that one of you have is a problem that BOTH of you have.

He has a responsibility to not disregard your concerns. Is it irrational to believe that every person is capable of messing up?

"U" is only half of "US"...it's not all of "US"

I'm going to quote my husband here. He always says:

"If you don't have trust within a relationship, then you don't have a relationship".

Personally, I think this is a narrow perspective...while I agree with what you've said, it doesn't go far enough. There's having trust and then there's being constantly tested in that trust. No matter how strong any metal is, stress will cause it to break over time. I trust that a plane is safe...but I know that a plane requires constant maintenance to remain safe. Likewise with any relationship.

[Thorn]

Fascinating thread....it some respects the general thread doesn't match the usual "tone" of TE. I would have thought there would be more answers along the lines lph and Lisa and less that lean towards getting rid of the friend. Hmmm.....

Personally, I'm a geek. Always have been. Always will be (I suspect). Since I was a kid, I've had friends who were male. DH has friends who are female. Neither of us has problems with this. My life would not be as rich if I thought I couldn't have friends of the opposite gender. I wouldn't try to control DH's life by dictating friends and I wouldn't want DH to dictate mine. It comes down to trust.

Like jobob, I wonder if the problem really isn't that the riding buddy is male so much as it is that you're spending a lot of "fun time" without him. If the latter is the case, then as his fitness improves, perhaps the problem will lessen? One would hope this is the case--jealousy is not healthy in a relationship. Better to find out the underlying cause than just treating the symptom.

[LBTC]

This is a very interesting thread. You've given us only the smallest amount of information and each of us is colouring our response with our own experiences and feelings. Hopefully there is something in here that helps you work through this.

DH and have been together a very long time, 20+ years. We just discussed this idea and his thought is: it depends on the guy and the dynamic I have with him.

And he's right. One thing I've really learned over the years, after lots of bad experiences with people, is to trust my intuition. I may have no logical reason to like or dislike someone at the time, but invariably, if I feel uncomfortable about them, they will hurt me or DH at some point. Likewise if I really feel comfortable with someone right away, they may turn out to be a very important friend or contact. And I have to extend that to how DH feels also.

On the other hand, I tried to put myself in the other shoes and I know right off the bat that if DH were riding with a woman who was stronger and faster than I, that I would be jealous. But I would really just be jealous that she was stronger and faster! If it bothered me enough, I imagine that DH would not ride with her very often, but I wouldn't expect him to stop outright, unless she fit into that intuition thing I talked about.

I do realize, though, that if you are a particularly fast and strong woman rider, that in many communities there will not be women who can keep up with you, so, if you are going to have a riding partner of a similar speed and training capacity, it will have to be a man. This can't be disregarded.

Sometimes having a training partner is the best or even the only way to reach your fitness goals. It would be a shame to have to give that up for any reason.

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[KnottedYet]

Maybe a tandem so you and DH can ride together sometimes?
Then perhaps he wouldn't be jealous of your other riding time when you ride without him?

[Trek420]

Maybe a tandem so you and DH can ride together sometimes?
Then perhaps he wouldn't be jealous of your other riding time when you ride without him?

I like this idea if a tandem works for you.

It can allow riders of different abilities to ride together, or for both of you to ride further or faster than you could alone.

Another choice is do rides with him but you take a heavier bike, he's on road bike, you take the mountain bike.

Or do a once a week hammerfest and do rest days with him.

I rode with my cousin, also bikerz, mellisam. My cousin is simply head and shoulders better than any of us. But he was happy to ride with us, he would sometimes turn off route and simply climb a hill just for fun and then come back down and meet up. And this was his rest day

Would DH be ok if you did hill repeats while he simply climbs a hill? Some people just aren't ok with that.

I agree with others that a good "biker buddy" is ideal. When you find someone who rides your speed and distance it is great.

[kelownagirl]

I love what Jiffer said - well put! Dh and I have discussed and we both really agree with you.

I like this idea if a tandem works for you.

It can allow riders of different abilities to ride together, or for both of you to ride further or faster than you could alone.

Another choice is do rides with him but you take a heavier bike, he's on road bike, you take the mountain bike.

Or do a once a week hammerfest and do rest days with him.

I rode with my cousin, also bikerz, mellisam. My cousin is simply head and shoulders better than any of us. But he was happy to ride with us, he would sometimes turn off route and simply climb a hill just for fun and then come back down and meet up. And this was his rest day

Would DH be ok if you did hill repeats while he simply climbs a hill? Some people just aren't ok with that.

I agree with others that a good "biker buddy" is ideal. When you find someone who rides your speed and distance it is great.

DH and I have finally solved our "unequal" riding abilities issue to both of our satisfaction because we really like riding together. On days when he feels like hammering and I don't (or can't), he does 4 minute intervals (rides ahead hard for 4 minutes, then turns around and rides back to meet me), and he repeats the intervals as long as he wants. We get to touch base every 5 minutes or so, I can ride at my own speed, and I don't feel alone out there (I am still freaked out about riding alone since I became allergic to wasps). I am amazed how fast 5 minutes goes too. We don't do it the whole ride, usually it's just the middle 1/3 but it works great. One other thing we sometimes do - he rides my pace for a 30-40k ride and then he does 4-5 hill repeats when we get home to finish off his workout. Of course, after a year of riding together, the days he doesn't get a good workout are fewer and far between. I'm sure the same thing would happen with your hubby.

So how about some feedback Melalvai? Can you give us any more background? Is this unusual for your dh or is he a little on the controlling side? That would make a difference to me too.

[teigyr]

We just discussed this idea and his thought is: it depends on the guy and the dynamic I have with him.

We discussed this last night too. DH's opinion was that if the guy was a womanizer with disregard to marriage, then that'd be an issue. My point was I do know some indiscriminate type males but they respect MY relationship with DH. So it all comes back to the type of person I'd be friends with. I wouldn't be friends with anyone who would sabotage my relationship and same goes for DH and his friends regardless of gender.

It's funny because I've been in relationships where I have had jealousy twinges but I don't with DH. It's not that I don't care but it's that we are completely open with each other and there is no doubt about our commitment or our feelings.

All that being said, DH will be concerned if we're out and a strange guy tries to talk to me. It isn't that he gets jealous (at least I think not) but he'll stand near me and clearly show that he is DH

[Crankin]

I tried to put myself in the opposite situation; if my husband was out riding with another woman, for training, it would upset me. I am not particularly jealous and I know if my husband was out riding with a woman, it would be strictly for the riding! Sorry to say, that I do agree with Mimi. Maybe it's a generational thing. We both have many acquaintances of the opposite gender, mostly from work or other club type situations. But we don't go out and socialize with them separately. I mean, I'm probably not the best person to get an opinion from because I pretty much spend all of my time with my husband and most of it is spent riding! I do participate in group rides that he can't attend. One of the groups is mostly older people, my age and up. The guys there are amazing and very friendly, but they know I'm married.
On the other hand, I live in a place where it is very easy to find someone to ride with and we just had the conversation that it looks like the number of women riders out there has gone up 4X in the last couple of years.

[liberty]

I am part of a club and have thoroughly enjoyed the rides and being "pushed" by the faster riders. It has helped me improve. I joined because I'm a single gal who got tired of riding by myself. There are ladies in the club, however the majority of them only do very casual rides (maybe 2-3 women race). I can't do the racers' training rides because they smoke me almost instantly, but I can do the intermediate rides. We're a smaller club, so a huge ride for the intermediates is about 5-6 people.

Without going into unnecessary details, a wife of one of the riders mentioned to someone that she was uncomfortable with the idea of her husband (or any of the married men) ending up on a club ride with a solitary female rider. Meaning just the two going by themselves. As far as appearances, it could be misconstrued; she was concerned for the guys' reputations. So the club finally decided that out of respect for the marriages in the club, any ride at which only one man and one woman showed up would automatically be canceled. I totally understand and agree with the decision.

Yeah, as a single gal, it means there are times when a ride I am planning on attending is canceled. But doesn't being part of a team mean you also look out for the benefit of your team members? I trust the guys in the club. I respect them greatly. And seeing them put their relationships with their wives before their cycling or race training only makes me respect them more. I would like a man who would do that for me.

I talked to my mom about the situation. My parents have a very stable, secure and solid marriage. Both have acquaintances and friends of the opposite sex. And both trust each other implicitly. I've seen them give up things for the benefit and welfare of the other. I don't know the emotional or personal issues which prompted the wife in my story to be uncomfortable. But for me it boiled down to whether or not I was willing to give up something (like a good, hard ride) for the sake of another. For me it is just an opportunity to practice the things that have helped my parents in their marriage.

[Melalvai]

This is a very interesting thread. You've given us only the smallest amount of information and each of us is colouring our response with our own experiences and feelings.

Yes, this has been awesome, and I am amazed at the lack of flaming.

Sometimes having a training partner is the best or even the only way to reach your fitness goals. It would be a shame to have to give that up for any reason.

I should mention that I do not have specific goals, like to complete a certain distance or reach an ave speed or finish something in a certain time. When I ride with Riding Buddy, my goal is to have a challenging ride, whatever that ends up being. When I ride with my husband, my goal is for him to have an enjoyable ride. When I ride by myself, my goal is enjoyment.