So I went to a bike shop and they took off the tube, listened to it, tried inflating it. Nothing happened. Inspected the wheel, the tire, all that jazz.

Put the tube in the tire, pumped it slowly, making sure the bead was seated correctly, and pumped slowly still.

The tire works fine now. I have lost all esteem in my tube and tire changing abilities.

Then I rode home in horrible pours of rain. Everything on my bike was SOAKED.