Balancing career, parenting, chores, cycling..

[Batbike]

My children are still both young, but old enough to be left alone for short periods of time -- ages 10 & 13. However, most everything I do, whether it be work, cycling, home chores, or the many other small stuff that needs to be done, I do when they are in school or at some other activity. So, I don't do long rides, unless it is a weekend and my DH is around, or I don't need to work that day and can get in a longer ride while they are at school. My average ride is 1.5 - 2 hours ... tops!

As for work, I work a part-time job -- I gave up a paying fast track career when I had children. I feel the value of my children outweigh the value of any paycheck! Basically, I work for "bike parts". One day they will be grown and gone, and I want to be able to say I gave them the best of me that I could while they were growing-up. That means I take care of me, but not at their expense, and I take care of them until they can be independent and take care of themselves. Thank goodness my DH has a career that can support this decision!

Most of women I know that ride LONG rides are women who's children are in college or out of house. Some of these women work so much that they don't even ride LONG rides, except on weekends, but build their overall fitness throughout the week by going to the gym for hours in the early AM or late PM. They have the time to work on themselves because their immediate family needs have lessened. So, take care of yourself, take care of your family -- keep it balanced because one day it will be ALL you and you'll want the energy and fitness to do whatever you want to in the LARGE amount of time you will have to do it!!

[xeney]

The question I have here is whether all the dads also gave up riding ... or running, or fishing, or whatever their thing happened to be. Because from looking at my friends, that doesn't seem to be what happens. Dad keeps doing what he always did, and Mom -- whether she works or not -- stays home doing all the "balancing."

I don't really expect it to be any different in my family. If I can get a babysitter, I will probably be able to do some of the things I did before I was pregnant (hiking, cycling, canoeing). But I am one hundred percent sure that my husband will keep doing those things with or without a babysitter.

[Triskeliongirl]

For me, I have always cycled, had a pretty intense career (I run a research lab at a major research university where I also teach), and raised two so-far well adjusted and productive kids. We are soon to be empty-nesters as our youngest heads off to MIT this fall (daughter is at wellesley), so how do we do it all? For one, somewhat in response to the last post, it has always been we (my husband has the same job I do). I think that is key, both partners sharing the workload (and fun!) equally. That doesn't mean at every moment, but that the overall balance is there. It also means not being afraid to pay for help, we earn enough money that we could afford high quality day care when our kids were young, a women to clean our house and wash our clothes, etc. While recreational cycling has taken a different role in our lives at different times, one thing that has helped us stay active even when our kids were young is to cycle commute. Yes, when they were young we had those chairs that sit on the back of a bike like a rack, and now make me cringe that we ever did that, but that was all there was, and that was how our kids got to and from day care (nowadays there are trailers). As our kids were growing up, they would bike with us on family vacations, we even did Ride for the Roses one year as a family. As our kids got older yet, and wanted to do their own activities, we started to club ride early on weekend mornings, but would forgo club social acitivities to get home for a family lunch. Its nice cuz as we become empty nesters, we have our cycling to keep us busy and missing the kids less. We still get together for active family vacations, in fact we are planning a family scuba diving trip to florida this summer before our youngest starts college. I saw two couples show up for a club ride, and each guy had the kids in a trailer on his bike, while the wives were on single bikes, and that ended up also equalizing their speeds (these were racer boys) so they could ride as a group. I also have friends struggling with this that bought tandems as a way of combining family time and cycling time. So, it can be done, but you have to figure out what makes sense for your family.

[Meg McKilty]

Some of us only have a job and exercise.

Work, sleep, run/cycle. That's my life summed up lately.
Soon studying begins again. Like, tomorrow.

[deena]

A number of years ago while trying to work full-time, be the room mom, the scout leader, stuff the classroom folders, and a million other things one of my mentors shared this with me:

The mother who gives up her life for her children does them no kindness but rather burdens them with the legacy of a life unlived. --Janet Falldron

I still struggle with taking time away from my kids (13, 11, and 9) to ride and do other things, but I don't want them to ever think THEY prevented me from following my dreams - what guilt! And as much as they whine about it, they still like it when their friends say, "Your mom rode how many miles? OMG! No way."

Way.

[annie]

A number of years ago while trying to work full-time, be the room mom, the scout leader, stuff the classroom folders, and a million other things one of my mentors shared this with me:

The mother who gives up her life for her children does them no kindness but rather burdens them with the legacy of a life unlived. --Janet Falldron

I still struggle with taking time away from my kids (13, 11, and 9) to ride and do other things, but I don't want them to ever think THEY prevented me from following my dreams - what guilt! And as much as they whine about it, they still like it when their friends say, "Your mom rode how many miles? OMG! No way."

Way.

A very wise quote. Who is Janet Falldron? Thanks!

Annie

[mimitabby]

I just did a search on Janet Falldron and found nothing, except the one quote.
I disagree.. Mothering is NOT a life unlived.
Being there for your children teaches them so much. Who do you want them to learn from? you or ... ?
As a mom who worked for all but the first 3 months of each sons' life, I struggled with guilt for leaving them in day care for years. But i picked them up as soon as I could every day; which meant I dragged them to appointments and to the grocery store. I read to them every night, and whenever they had something to tell me and i was distracted I tried to stop and listen; because I knew that soon they would have someone else they'd rather talk to.

As soon as they could, we had them on bikes, I remember when a two mile ride was an all morning event.
My sons today brag to their friends about the fact that at our house we had dinner at home almost every night as a family. a life unlived, indeed.
My sons don't feel guilt for the years that they were small and needed a mom around..
They are proud of me today for what I was and what I have become.

edit: I searched for just Falldron there is only the single reference in all of Google, so it is either a made up or misspelled name. Shortly, there will be a second reference to this name; this thread!

[kelownagirl]

Good points everyone! I agree that I am amazed at the women with little children who have the time (and energy) to exercise. I have two generations of kids - two daughters who are grown and moved out, and one son who is 9. I never found the time to ride or anything when the kids were little but that has changed in the past 2-3 years for me.

Luckily for me, DH and I work together (teachers). In the spring and fall, we ride to school, bring biking clothes, and we ride 20-30 k after school several days a week while my son is at a famiyl daycare, playing with his friends. We do 30-50 k rides on the weekend. I will leave my son home alone for up to an hour now when I ride once in awhile, but that is rare because he is usually at his dad's on the weekends so my time is free then. I'll admit, my house is a mess, my classroom isn't the tidiest, but I am healthy and fit and in good emotional shape. DH and I spend most of our time together and we both like it that way. Those things certainly help to enable me to ride lots.

[Bikingmomof3]

The question I have here is whether all the dads also gave up riding ... or running, or fishing, or whatever their thing happened to be. Because from looking at my friends, that doesn't seem to be what happens. Dad keeps doing what he always did, and Mom -- whether she works or not -- stays home doing all the "balancing."

My husband's life changed as much as mine did when we had our children. He is very involved in their lives and has always helped out with child rearing, shopping, cooking, driving the kids around, doctor's appointments, etc. We changed as a couple when the kids arrived. We have been very fortunate and neither of us have any regrets. Maybe he is a rare father/husband, I do not know. I think he is wonderful.

[lph]

No, I like the Falldron quote. She doesn't say not to be a mother, or not to stay at home, she just says you shouldn't "give up your life" for them. That's pretty individual for each person whether that means working, staying at home or whatever. If you enjoy staying at home you're not "giving up your life", you're just changing it.

I like her point that giving up too much for your kids can put an burden of guilt on them. But then - my mother is the queen of passive aggressive guilt trips...

We manage the juggling act by working parttime (80%) both of us. And living in a small apartment, with a cheap car. Etc.

But hey - I don't do long rides anyway

[SheFly]

I just want to say - WOW! I admire all of you moms - stay at home and working - who have achieved such balance. I honestly don't know how you manage.

I, on the other hand, am one of those "childless by circumstance" people, and later, "childless by choice". That certainly makes it easier for me to be able to have a career, manage the house(s) and still focus on my passion - cycling. I certainly would not be riding over 5000 miles a year, and competing in 41 races if I had children in addition!

I promise, after reading this thread, however, not to complain about being too tired anymore .

Thanks to all of you moms - you're doing a GREAT job!

SheFly

[limewave]

The question I have here is whether all the dads also gave up riding ... or running, or fishing, or whatever their thing happened to be. Because from looking at my friends, that doesn't seem to be what happens. Dad keeps doing what he always did, and Mom -- whether she works or not -- stays home doing all the "balancing."

DH gave up cycling all together when DD came along. He'll do a family ride with us, but he doesn't go to group rides or race anymore. He took up running instead because it takes up less of his time. However, DH's work schedule is such that I am the one left to do the "balancing" on a day to day basis. I knew that getting into the marriage. Two weekends a year DH takes complete charge of DD and I get to go on my own personal retreat to a BB or to visit one of my friends.

[Triskeliongirl]

I don't want to get into the stay at home vs working mom debate, I respect all women for deciding to do what is right for them and their families. But, it is interesting while at certain times as a working mom I did worry about not being there enough for my kids, but talking to my daughter now as an adult, she tells me what a great role model it was for her, to know you could do it all. I think its not a coincidence that she is studying neuroscience now (just like me). She said when they have forums about career vs family at college, she was surprised to see how many young women are conflicted on this point, cuz their mothers told them they must choose. Even though I always worked a lot, I was always there for my kids. They knew they could talk to me about anything, at home at night I might write while they did homework, but as Mimi said we'd be together, eat together as a family, etc. But, I did expect my kids to take on as much responsiblity for themselves as they could handle, which I do think helped them develop into self confident adults (kind of like how I train my graduate students ). Another smart thing we did was buy a home walking distance from my kids school, so they could walk or cycle to school, after school activities, etc., to cut down on the chauffeur role. I also remember when my kids were young I did a lot of exercise videos after they were sleeping, if I couldn't get outdoors to exercise. Taking care of yourself is critical if you are going to take care of others, you just need to be smart and effecient about how you do it.

[Cyclo Kitty]

Wow, I was actually thinking about posting the same question

My son is 8, and my husband works in Boston on an ever-shifting schedule that includes a 1-hour + commute by train. If I sleep until 6, I've just missed my "me" time.

I ride to work, for errands, and on weekends, but I still can't fit in really long rides yet. DH rides at night, something I consider unwise for me to do. He leaves at 9 and is back at 12 or so on weekends and when he's off.

My job is very flexible (non-profit) so I was thinking of riding in mid-day, when my son is at school or day camp, and then working Saturdays to make up the hours. Having worked Saturdays before (with and w/o a family) I'm a little hesitant to do that. I missed the boys!

DH and son are both mountain bikers and I'm road/cross so when we ride as a group it can be challenging to get in what every one wants to do. But it does work to keep the family bonded and working toward their own goals. I was so proud of the kid when he braved the singletrack! (He's 8)

I'm impressed both by the range of choices people can make and the similarity of situations some of us are in. The main thing is always, "Ride your bike!"

That's what they say at the LBS...just keep riding, as much or as little as you can. Sometimes we may lose sight of just how simple that can be.

[xeney]

She said when they have forums about career vs family at college, she was surprised to see how many young women are conflicted on this point, cuz their mothers told them they must choose.

That is a really good thing to hear, because I am pregnant with a daughter right now and I've been wondering about how my choices, career-wise, will impact her outlook. And I like hearing that there are young women who look back on their mothers and appreciate the role-modeling.

I'm a lawyer and I work at a nonprofit that is generally viewed as "family friendly," but the idea of staying on there after the baby is born makes me want to sit down on the floor and cry from exhaustion (probably because I am watching another new mom go through it now). I just finished a very big year ... I argued three cases before the California Supreme Court and one before the United States Supreme Court, I had two murder appeals and a couple of other big cases, and I did so much administrative work on top of all that that I finished 2006 with about a month's work of extra billable hours in the bank. It was a great year, but it left me a complete wreck, and I really don't think I can do that with a new baby. No matter what my husband winds up doing. (He's graduating in January so we don't even know what his career situation is going to be like.)

I can quit when the baby is born, take charge of my own workload, and go into private practice working from home, which seems like a no-brainer since I can make as much money with far fewer hours billed per week, but in some ways that does feel like a cop-out, because I will not be doing anything remotely like what I have been doing lately ... I'll be doing simple cases and just getting the mortgage paid, basically. And there is a part of me that feels like maybe I should just stick with that plan for as long as my kid is little, so that I'm always at home (even though I'll have to use some part-time family daycare in order to get work done, obviously).

But then there is a much bigger part of me that really doesn't want my daughter to feel like that's her destiny, too, to be the one who gives up the career, or (God forbid) to get the idea that nothing she does matters except for raising her kids. I didn't get that message from my own mother because I saw how much happier she was when she finally went back to work when I was a teenager. She had worked when I was a baby but quit due to the really awful daycare options she had available, and she was never happy. She was a good mom, but she was a miserable housewife. And I would be a pretty miserable housewife, too. We were all better off, and we were much better parented, when Mom had an outside life that made her happy.

So I'm hoping to strike a balance, although I am also planning to take at least the first year as a break from the craziness of this last year. I can use the break, this will allow me to breastfeed, my husband could frankly probably use the break from having a stressed-out wife who's always traveling. But I don't want to take the kind of extended or total break that will set me back permanently in my career; I don't think that would be good for me or, for that matter, good for my daughter. Not in the long run.