Balancing career, parenting, chores, cycling..

[Triskeliongirl]

I don't want to get into the stay at home vs working mom debate, I respect all women for deciding to do what is right for them and their families. But, it is interesting while at certain times as a working mom I did worry about not being there enough for my kids, but talking to my daughter now as an adult, she tells me what a great role model it was for her, to know you could do it all. I think its not a coincidence that she is studying neuroscience now (just like me). She said when they have forums about career vs family at college, she was surprised to see how many young women are conflicted on this point, cuz their mothers told them they must choose. Even though I always worked a lot, I was always there for my kids. They knew they could talk to me about anything, at home at night I might write while they did homework, but as Mimi said we'd be together, eat together as a family, etc. But, I did expect my kids to take on as much responsiblity for themselves as they could handle, which I do think helped them develop into self confident adults (kind of like how I train my graduate students ). Another smart thing we did was buy a home walking distance from my kids school, so they could walk or cycle to school, after school activities, etc., to cut down on the chauffeur role. I also remember when my kids were young I did a lot of exercise videos after they were sleeping, if I couldn't get outdoors to exercise. Taking care of yourself is critical if you are going to take care of others, you just need to be smart and effecient about how you do it.

[Cyclo Kitty]

Wow, I was actually thinking about posting the same question

My son is 8, and my husband works in Boston on an ever-shifting schedule that includes a 1-hour + commute by train. If I sleep until 6, I've just missed my "me" time.

I ride to work, for errands, and on weekends, but I still can't fit in really long rides yet. DH rides at night, something I consider unwise for me to do. He leaves at 9 and is back at 12 or so on weekends and when he's off.

My job is very flexible (non-profit) so I was thinking of riding in mid-day, when my son is at school or day camp, and then working Saturdays to make up the hours. Having worked Saturdays before (with and w/o a family) I'm a little hesitant to do that. I missed the boys!

DH and son are both mountain bikers and I'm road/cross so when we ride as a group it can be challenging to get in what every one wants to do. But it does work to keep the family bonded and working toward their own goals. I was so proud of the kid when he braved the singletrack! (He's 8)

I'm impressed both by the range of choices people can make and the similarity of situations some of us are in. The main thing is always, "Ride your bike!"

That's what they say at the LBS...just keep riding, as much or as little as you can. Sometimes we may lose sight of just how simple that can be.

[xeney]

She said when they have forums about career vs family at college, she was surprised to see how many young women are conflicted on this point, cuz their mothers told them they must choose.

That is a really good thing to hear, because I am pregnant with a daughter right now and I've been wondering about how my choices, career-wise, will impact her outlook. And I like hearing that there are young women who look back on their mothers and appreciate the role-modeling.

I'm a lawyer and I work at a nonprofit that is generally viewed as "family friendly," but the idea of staying on there after the baby is born makes me want to sit down on the floor and cry from exhaustion (probably because I am watching another new mom go through it now). I just finished a very big year ... I argued three cases before the California Supreme Court and one before the United States Supreme Court, I had two murder appeals and a couple of other big cases, and I did so much administrative work on top of all that that I finished 2006 with about a month's work of extra billable hours in the bank. It was a great year, but it left me a complete wreck, and I really don't think I can do that with a new baby. No matter what my husband winds up doing. (He's graduating in January so we don't even know what his career situation is going to be like.)

I can quit when the baby is born, take charge of my own workload, and go into private practice working from home, which seems like a no-brainer since I can make as much money with far fewer hours billed per week, but in some ways that does feel like a cop-out, because I will not be doing anything remotely like what I have been doing lately ... I'll be doing simple cases and just getting the mortgage paid, basically. And there is a part of me that feels like maybe I should just stick with that plan for as long as my kid is little, so that I'm always at home (even though I'll have to use some part-time family daycare in order to get work done, obviously).

But then there is a much bigger part of me that really doesn't want my daughter to feel like that's her destiny, too, to be the one who gives up the career, or (God forbid) to get the idea that nothing she does matters except for raising her kids. I didn't get that message from my own mother because I saw how much happier she was when she finally went back to work when I was a teenager. She had worked when I was a baby but quit due to the really awful daycare options she had available, and she was never happy. She was a good mom, but she was a miserable housewife. And I would be a pretty miserable housewife, too. We were all better off, and we were much better parented, when Mom had an outside life that made her happy.

So I'm hoping to strike a balance, although I am also planning to take at least the first year as a break from the craziness of this last year. I can use the break, this will allow me to breastfeed, my husband could frankly probably use the break from having a stressed-out wife who's always traveling. But I don't want to take the kind of extended or total break that will set me back permanently in my career; I don't think that would be good for me or, for that matter, good for my daughter. Not in the long run.

[Grog]

No matter what my husband winds up doing. (He's graduating in January so we don't even know what his career situation is going to be like.)

This is a naive question: have you two considered that he might stay at home for a little while, say after you have breastfed for a few months and then returned to work? Your career sounds much more established than his at this moment...

[Triskeliongirl]

Xeney. I am glad you posted more details on your situation. I agree with the poster who suggested that since your career is more established that perhaps your husband could adjust more initially. I will also tell you that work and breast feeding is possible, if you are willing to express milk during the day (I know, I did it..........twice). We have a neighbor, and she is a high power lawyer while he is the stay at home dad. He also does some consulting from the home, but he is the primary care giver to their 3 young children. I really don't think you should give up a job you clearly enjoy, but you do need a plan. WHehter that means your husband is primary care giver in the beginning, or that you find good daycare, there are ways to do it. I also flew my Mom out to help out with both kids between the time they were born and the time they were old enough to start daycare. We even had a 'sick child daycare' at our local childrens and womens hospital (this was when I lived in Pittsburgh), so if your child was sick you drop them off there, they get their doctors visit taken care of, prescriptions filled, and nurses care for them, and you get a full report at the end of the day. Of course this service wasn't cheap, but if there is a day when you just have to be at work, it was great to have.

Another interesting thing my daughter has told me as a young adult. When she went off to college, she was surprised to find out how atypical our family is, in these sense that we have great relationships with each other, we are still married after 23 years, etc. Most of the young women she meets have poor relationships with their parents, their parents have poor relationships with each other, etc. I think taking care of ourselves in terms of our health, doing serious work that we love, etc. contribute to both the physical and mental health of our family.

The real question is how does your husband feel about all of this? You said he just graduated? What is his field? What are his prospects? Would working out of the home for a little while be an option for him?

[LadyinWhite]

Another interesting thing my daughter has told me as a young adult. When she went off to college, she was surprised to find out how atypical our family is, in these sense that we have great relationships with each other, we are still married after 23 years, etc. Most of the young women she meets have poor relationships with their parents, their parents have poor relationships with each other, etc. I think taking care of ourselves in terms of our health, doing serious work that we love, etc. contribute to both the physical and mental health of our family.

You are so wise. Your family sounds like mine - I hope, projecting forward 5 years, we remain as together as you guys. Wish me luck!

[xeney]

I missed Triskeliongirl's second post. Pumping at my workplace is not an inviting prospect; the few people who have attempted it have given it up in short order. And, to be honest, I'm not that dedicated. That is the breaking point I see for a lot of working mothers: demanding job, demanding hours, baby in daycare ... but it's pumping three times a day that kills them. If I couldn't work during that time I'd have to work longer hours to make it up, and I am just not willing to do that.

We have family daycare available but it would not work if I keep my regular job, because I have to be there every day for a certain number of hours. Working at home I can make the same amount of money (factoring in self-employment taxes, COBRA payments, retirement contributions, and the few business expenses you incur in my particular line of work) with 25 billable hours per week, which I can do with a couple of days of grandparent care and some trading off with my husband. If I go back to work, it has to be full-time (part-time and flex-time aren't options, and I have to be there after five p.m. fairly often which also makes daycare difficult), and it's at least double what I need to do at home.

So it's kind of a no-brainer. Especially since I left out the fact that the administrative part of my job -- the part I'm going to be walking away from entirely -- is boring and maddening and makes me think about quitting at least once a day.

And that's where balance comes in, and why I liked Triskeliongirl's first post so much. I don't want my daughter to think that she has to give up anything else she wants in life if she decided to have a child, but I also don't want her to think that a working life needs to be joyless and crushing and all-or-nothing.

[xeney]

Well, yes and no. If he doesn't get a good job offer that is definitely on the table. But the way his field works is that recruitment is heavy right around graduation, and it can be hard to break in after that. So while I'm more established, I'm also in a better position to be able to take a break. (He's actually very well-established in his current specific field, and in fact his hourly consultant rate is higher than my billing rate will be, but he's trying to change tracks because he's not happy doing what he does now.) Since he's graduating mid-year he will very possibly keep consulting until next June, and then jump into the hiring field with the new graduates, and that would be ideal for us because it means we'd both have tons of flexibility during the baby's first nine months.

I also have wanted to go into private practice for a long time so this is in some ways the chance I've been waiting for.