Balancing career, parenting, chores, cycling..

[xeney]

The question I have here is whether all the dads also gave up riding ... or running, or fishing, or whatever their thing happened to be. Because from looking at my friends, that doesn't seem to be what happens. Dad keeps doing what he always did, and Mom -- whether she works or not -- stays home doing all the "balancing."

I don't really expect it to be any different in my family. If I can get a babysitter, I will probably be able to do some of the things I did before I was pregnant (hiking, cycling, canoeing). But I am one hundred percent sure that my husband will keep doing those things with or without a babysitter.

[Triskeliongirl]

For me, I have always cycled, had a pretty intense career (I run a research lab at a major research university where I also teach), and raised two so-far well adjusted and productive kids. We are soon to be empty-nesters as our youngest heads off to MIT this fall (daughter is at wellesley), so how do we do it all? For one, somewhat in response to the last post, it has always been we (my husband has the same job I do). I think that is key, both partners sharing the workload (and fun!) equally. That doesn't mean at every moment, but that the overall balance is there. It also means not being afraid to pay for help, we earn enough money that we could afford high quality day care when our kids were young, a women to clean our house and wash our clothes, etc. While recreational cycling has taken a different role in our lives at different times, one thing that has helped us stay active even when our kids were young is to cycle commute. Yes, when they were young we had those chairs that sit on the back of a bike like a rack, and now make me cringe that we ever did that, but that was all there was, and that was how our kids got to and from day care (nowadays there are trailers). As our kids were growing up, they would bike with us on family vacations, we even did Ride for the Roses one year as a family. As our kids got older yet, and wanted to do their own activities, we started to club ride early on weekend mornings, but would forgo club social acitivities to get home for a family lunch. Its nice cuz as we become empty nesters, we have our cycling to keep us busy and missing the kids less. We still get together for active family vacations, in fact we are planning a family scuba diving trip to florida this summer before our youngest starts college. I saw two couples show up for a club ride, and each guy had the kids in a trailer on his bike, while the wives were on single bikes, and that ended up also equalizing their speeds (these were racer boys) so they could ride as a group. I also have friends struggling with this that bought tandems as a way of combining family time and cycling time. So, it can be done, but you have to figure out what makes sense for your family.

[Bikingmomof3]

The question I have here is whether all the dads also gave up riding ... or running, or fishing, or whatever their thing happened to be. Because from looking at my friends, that doesn't seem to be what happens. Dad keeps doing what he always did, and Mom -- whether she works or not -- stays home doing all the "balancing."

My husband's life changed as much as mine did when we had our children. He is very involved in their lives and has always helped out with child rearing, shopping, cooking, driving the kids around, doctor's appointments, etc. We changed as a couple when the kids arrived. We have been very fortunate and neither of us have any regrets. Maybe he is a rare father/husband, I do not know. I think he is wonderful.

[lph]

No, I like the Falldron quote. She doesn't say not to be a mother, or not to stay at home, she just says you shouldn't "give up your life" for them. That's pretty individual for each person whether that means working, staying at home or whatever. If you enjoy staying at home you're not "giving up your life", you're just changing it.

I like her point that giving up too much for your kids can put an burden of guilt on them. But then - my mother is the queen of passive aggressive guilt trips...

We manage the juggling act by working parttime (80%) both of us. And living in a small apartment, with a cheap car. Etc.

But hey - I don't do long rides anyway

[SheFly]

I just want to say - WOW! I admire all of you moms - stay at home and working - who have achieved such balance. I honestly don't know how you manage.

I, on the other hand, am one of those "childless by circumstance" people, and later, "childless by choice". That certainly makes it easier for me to be able to have a career, manage the house(s) and still focus on my passion - cycling. I certainly would not be riding over 5000 miles a year, and competing in 41 races if I had children in addition!

I promise, after reading this thread, however, not to complain about being too tired anymore .

Thanks to all of you moms - you're doing a GREAT job!

SheFly

[limewave]

The question I have here is whether all the dads also gave up riding ... or running, or fishing, or whatever their thing happened to be. Because from looking at my friends, that doesn't seem to be what happens. Dad keeps doing what he always did, and Mom -- whether she works or not -- stays home doing all the "balancing."

DH gave up cycling all together when DD came along. He'll do a family ride with us, but he doesn't go to group rides or race anymore. He took up running instead because it takes up less of his time. However, DH's work schedule is such that I am the one left to do the "balancing" on a day to day basis. I knew that getting into the marriage. Two weekends a year DH takes complete charge of DD and I get to go on my own personal retreat to a BB or to visit one of my friends.

[Triskeliongirl]

I don't want to get into the stay at home vs working mom debate, I respect all women for deciding to do what is right for them and their families. But, it is interesting while at certain times as a working mom I did worry about not being there enough for my kids, but talking to my daughter now as an adult, she tells me what a great role model it was for her, to know you could do it all. I think its not a coincidence that she is studying neuroscience now (just like me). She said when they have forums about career vs family at college, she was surprised to see how many young women are conflicted on this point, cuz their mothers told them they must choose. Even though I always worked a lot, I was always there for my kids. They knew they could talk to me about anything, at home at night I might write while they did homework, but as Mimi said we'd be together, eat together as a family, etc. But, I did expect my kids to take on as much responsiblity for themselves as they could handle, which I do think helped them develop into self confident adults (kind of like how I train my graduate students ). Another smart thing we did was buy a home walking distance from my kids school, so they could walk or cycle to school, after school activities, etc., to cut down on the chauffeur role. I also remember when my kids were young I did a lot of exercise videos after they were sleeping, if I couldn't get outdoors to exercise. Taking care of yourself is critical if you are going to take care of others, you just need to be smart and effecient about how you do it.

[Cyclo Kitty]

Wow, I was actually thinking about posting the same question

My son is 8, and my husband works in Boston on an ever-shifting schedule that includes a 1-hour + commute by train. If I sleep until 6, I've just missed my "me" time.

I ride to work, for errands, and on weekends, but I still can't fit in really long rides yet. DH rides at night, something I consider unwise for me to do. He leaves at 9 and is back at 12 or so on weekends and when he's off.

My job is very flexible (non-profit) so I was thinking of riding in mid-day, when my son is at school or day camp, and then working Saturdays to make up the hours. Having worked Saturdays before (with and w/o a family) I'm a little hesitant to do that. I missed the boys!

DH and son are both mountain bikers and I'm road/cross so when we ride as a group it can be challenging to get in what every one wants to do. But it does work to keep the family bonded and working toward their own goals. I was so proud of the kid when he braved the singletrack! (He's 8)

I'm impressed both by the range of choices people can make and the similarity of situations some of us are in. The main thing is always, "Ride your bike!"

That's what they say at the LBS...just keep riding, as much or as little as you can. Sometimes we may lose sight of just how simple that can be.

[xeney]

She said when they have forums about career vs family at college, she was surprised to see how many young women are conflicted on this point, cuz their mothers told them they must choose.

That is a really good thing to hear, because I am pregnant with a daughter right now and I've been wondering about how my choices, career-wise, will impact her outlook. And I like hearing that there are young women who look back on their mothers and appreciate the role-modeling.

I'm a lawyer and I work at a nonprofit that is generally viewed as "family friendly," but the idea of staying on there after the baby is born makes me want to sit down on the floor and cry from exhaustion (probably because I am watching another new mom go through it now). I just finished a very big year ... I argued three cases before the California Supreme Court and one before the United States Supreme Court, I had two murder appeals and a couple of other big cases, and I did so much administrative work on top of all that that I finished 2006 with about a month's work of extra billable hours in the bank. It was a great year, but it left me a complete wreck, and I really don't think I can do that with a new baby. No matter what my husband winds up doing. (He's graduating in January so we don't even know what his career situation is going to be like.)

I can quit when the baby is born, take charge of my own workload, and go into private practice working from home, which seems like a no-brainer since I can make as much money with far fewer hours billed per week, but in some ways that does feel like a cop-out, because I will not be doing anything remotely like what I have been doing lately ... I'll be doing simple cases and just getting the mortgage paid, basically. And there is a part of me that feels like maybe I should just stick with that plan for as long as my kid is little, so that I'm always at home (even though I'll have to use some part-time family daycare in order to get work done, obviously).

But then there is a much bigger part of me that really doesn't want my daughter to feel like that's her destiny, too, to be the one who gives up the career, or (God forbid) to get the idea that nothing she does matters except for raising her kids. I didn't get that message from my own mother because I saw how much happier she was when she finally went back to work when I was a teenager. She had worked when I was a baby but quit due to the really awful daycare options she had available, and she was never happy. She was a good mom, but she was a miserable housewife. And I would be a pretty miserable housewife, too. We were all better off, and we were much better parented, when Mom had an outside life that made her happy.

So I'm hoping to strike a balance, although I am also planning to take at least the first year as a break from the craziness of this last year. I can use the break, this will allow me to breastfeed, my husband could frankly probably use the break from having a stressed-out wife who's always traveling. But I don't want to take the kind of extended or total break that will set me back permanently in my career; I don't think that would be good for me or, for that matter, good for my daughter. Not in the long run.

[Grog]

No matter what my husband winds up doing. (He's graduating in January so we don't even know what his career situation is going to be like.)

This is a naive question: have you two considered that he might stay at home for a little while, say after you have breastfed for a few months and then returned to work? Your career sounds much more established than his at this moment...

[Triskeliongirl]

Xeney. I am glad you posted more details on your situation. I agree with the poster who suggested that since your career is more established that perhaps your husband could adjust more initially. I will also tell you that work and breast feeding is possible, if you are willing to express milk during the day (I know, I did it..........twice). We have a neighbor, and she is a high power lawyer while he is the stay at home dad. He also does some consulting from the home, but he is the primary care giver to their 3 young children. I really don't think you should give up a job you clearly enjoy, but you do need a plan. WHehter that means your husband is primary care giver in the beginning, or that you find good daycare, there are ways to do it. I also flew my Mom out to help out with both kids between the time they were born and the time they were old enough to start daycare. We even had a 'sick child daycare' at our local childrens and womens hospital (this was when I lived in Pittsburgh), so if your child was sick you drop them off there, they get their doctors visit taken care of, prescriptions filled, and nurses care for them, and you get a full report at the end of the day. Of course this service wasn't cheap, but if there is a day when you just have to be at work, it was great to have.

Another interesting thing my daughter has told me as a young adult. When she went off to college, she was surprised to find out how atypical our family is, in these sense that we have great relationships with each other, we are still married after 23 years, etc. Most of the young women she meets have poor relationships with their parents, their parents have poor relationships with each other, etc. I think taking care of ourselves in terms of our health, doing serious work that we love, etc. contribute to both the physical and mental health of our family.

The real question is how does your husband feel about all of this? You said he just graduated? What is his field? What are his prospects? Would working out of the home for a little while be an option for him?

[xeney]

Well, yes and no. If he doesn't get a good job offer that is definitely on the table. But the way his field works is that recruitment is heavy right around graduation, and it can be hard to break in after that. So while I'm more established, I'm also in a better position to be able to take a break. (He's actually very well-established in his current specific field, and in fact his hourly consultant rate is higher than my billing rate will be, but he's trying to change tracks because he's not happy doing what he does now.) Since he's graduating mid-year he will very possibly keep consulting until next June, and then jump into the hiring field with the new graduates, and that would be ideal for us because it means we'd both have tons of flexibility during the baby's first nine months.

I also have wanted to go into private practice for a long time so this is in some ways the chance I've been waiting for.

[LadyinWhite]

The question I have here is whether all the dads also gave up riding ... or running, or fishing, or whatever their thing happened to be. Because from looking at my friends, that doesn't seem to be what happens. Dad keeps doing what he always did, and Mom -- whether she works or not -- stays home doing all the "balancing."

I don't really expect it to be any different in my family. If I can get a babysitter, I will probably be able to do some of the things I did before I was pregnant (hiking, cycling, canoeing). But I am one hundred percent sure that my husband will keep doing those things with or without a babysitter.

My DH and I are a true partnership. He might be a bit more scatterbrained than me (I keep track of everyone's schedule) but he's there 100%. His weekends and evenings are absolutely as devoted and filled as mine. And - when my job won't let me be there for stuff, he bends over backwards to make sure he is there instead.

Guess I got a good one 22 years married, I think I'll keep him.