I'm a big believer in Alfie Kohn. The communication thing is important, too. Can't say that I never nagged, but it was mostly in the positive way that was mentioned. I was a big believer in "Are your hands broken?" Yes, sarcasm had a positive effect on my sons. The oldest is a slob and it was tough for him to adhere to our house rules for cleanliness. He is not a slob with his appearance, but one time there was a fire at the high school and we had to take him to pick up all of the stuff in his locker, so they could defumigate the building during a break. Oh my God! He had a huge Hefty trash bag full of junk, paper, all of the homework never passed in. The inside of his car is gross, and I don't go to his apt. without giving him time to clean before I arrive. But, he is a very successful adult. The younger one was always neat and didn't have the paper issues, even though both my kids have ADD and very poor short term memory. We limited computer time with the younger one, who was getting addicted and had to limit the IM for the older one when he was doing badly in school. My kids loved learning for learning's sake and did not give a **** about their grades, until they were juniors and the competition for college started. The outside activities kept them going, band for one and cycling for the other.
I am sure glad those days are over! I enjoy being with both of them as adults.