motivating my kid

[Tuckervill]

" Bride is a loaded word, implying something illegal or designed to make someone do something against his or her will. What we are talking about is a positive consequence that, if you like loaded words, could as well be called a reward. By providing a positive consequence, you increase the probablity that behavior will occur. When a mother says to her child, 'If you pick up your clothes for a week, I'll take you to a movie,' is is not bribery. It is the offer of an incentive (a consequence desired by the child) in return for performance desired by the mother."

But there's a difference between natural consequences and imposed consequences. This paragraph describes imposed consequences, that really have nothing to do with picking up clothes. Having a clean floor and getting clothes in the laundry are the natural consequences of picking up clothes. Those are *desirable* consequences. I think children want the same things adults want, in their time, so I don't believe in imposed or extrinsic consequences.

There's another good book called "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn, which is about the problem with gold stars for good behavior, etc.

My ideas about this are radical and unimaginable to some people. Some of you will want to argue with me, but I probably won't. I'm just happy to be able to post the book titles, say that there is another way to look at this, and leave it at that.

Karen

[mimitabby]

Karen,
it's easy to say "Don't Nag" but when every single thing is a fight, nagging happens. I guess chasing them with a big stick might work better.
My older son proved to us that bribes and punishments don't always work either. Kids can be pretty tough...

Lisa, we severely limited computer time with our sons, fortunately, it was still the days of dial ups and only 1 computer in the house. We didn't have the TV on much either. Younger son sold his gameboy in disgust because at 30 minutes of play time a day; he couldn't get good enough at any of the games to compete with his friends (snort )
The zombie appearance had to do with the fact that he suddenly realized the effect that he was having on others wasn't so good (he was an annoying little brat) and so he turned it all off in an attempt to fit in.
When he was old enough to take college classes, he took ASL (American Sign Language) which I think really saved his personality. You can't communicate without words and without expression.
When we saw the first video of him (actually telling a joke in ASL) we were in tears because he was so beautiful and animated again!

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

My ideas about this are radical and unimaginable to some people. Some of you will want to argue with me, but I probably won't. I'm just happy to be able to post the book titles, say that there is another way to look at this, and leave it at that.

Karen

Smart woman, Karen! We all have differing ideas about child raising- but it's GOOD to just read and learn as much as we can about different approaches, so we can open our minds to new or not so new methods. Sometimes solutions can be therre but we can't see them because of getting stuck in patterns.

[Tuckervill]

it's easy to say "Don't Nag" but when every single thing is a fight, nagging happens.

I know. I have 3 sons.

I guess we'll have to define nagging. Nagging is talking with no action. Nagging is sitting on your booty in the recliner and calling out as your kid passes by, "Don't forget to pick up your jacket! Did you take the trash out like I told you? Didn't I tell you to pick up your towel in the bathroom?"

I don't want my interactions with my child to be just about empty words from across the room. To me, that's nagging.

Not-nagging is getting up when you see your child coming in, and engaging them in interested conversation while they hang up their jacket. Not-nagging is, "Would you please take this bag of trash out while I put a new liner in the can?" Not-nagging is brushing your teeth together and saying, "Would you please put the towel up while I rinse out the sink?"

Nagging requires no effort on the part of the parent, just lip service.

Not-nagging requires actively engaging with your child, demonstrating the proper behavior, being interested in how they feel about what's required, doing it with them, believing that they will eventually get it on their own, and believing in their innate desire to do so.

We have a sense of humor around here. I don't nag my kids, because we joke around and use sarcasm and we do things together and it works better than nagging. But they often need reminders. One thing I do instead of nag is, say, we're in the kitchen after dinner...I get up to put my dishes in the dishwasher and say, "Hey, boy. Observe. Imitate." The only kid left at home has a very active imagination and his mind tends to flit around, so he easily forgets to put his dish away. But it's not the end of the world if he doesn't and it's not the end of the world if he forgets and I don't have to be a ***** by nagging him about it.

Lots of people will say "I don't have time to shepherd my kid around to every little chore." No one does. But if you do it enough, it becomes less of a necessity, and your relationship with your kids can be better than if you nagged.

Karen

[Crankin]

I'm a big believer in Alfie Kohn. The communication thing is important, too. Can't say that I never nagged, but it was mostly in the positive way that was mentioned. I was a big believer in "Are your hands broken?" Yes, sarcasm had a positive effect on my sons. The oldest is a slob and it was tough for him to adhere to our house rules for cleanliness. He is not a slob with his appearance, but one time there was a fire at the high school and we had to take him to pick up all of the stuff in his locker, so they could defumigate the building during a break. Oh my God! He had a huge Hefty trash bag full of junk, paper, all of the homework never passed in. The inside of his car is gross, and I don't go to his apt. without giving him time to clean before I arrive. But, he is a very successful adult. The younger one was always neat and didn't have the paper issues, even though both my kids have ADD and very poor short term memory. We limited computer time with the younger one, who was getting addicted and had to limit the IM for the older one when he was doing badly in school. My kids loved learning for learning's sake and did not give a **** about their grades, until they were juniors and the competition for college started. The outside activities kept them going, band for one and cycling for the other.
I am sure glad those days are over! I enjoy being with both of them as adults.

[mimitabby]

My kids loved learning for learning's sake and did not give a **** about their grades, until they were juniors and the competition for college started. The outside activities kept them going, band for one and cycling for the other.
I am sure glad those days are over! I enjoy being with both of them as adults.

Robyn, boy i agree with you. My sons are wonderful adults. When they live at home (only 1 does right now) there are minor problems, but they are such a pleasure to be around! And now the only "nagging" I do is to remind them to go to the doctor; all that other stuff is just NOT my problem.

[Offthegrid]

Gee, I had this same problem with my ex-boyfriend. No motivation to get a good job, no motivation to get more education (he had a bachelor's but once in a while talked about wanting a master's), no motivation to do anything other than watch TV.

Not saying this is your son. But the problem is you can't motivate someone who doesn't WANT to BE motivated. But possibly sounds like some depression issues.