motivating my kid

[mimitabby]

It seems to be a very common problem with this generation of kids.
ONe thing that at least kept my kids interested in even showing up at school
was that they both were in band or orchestra. Music was the only thing my older son was passing at one point in 6th grade.
You sound like YOU are doing the right thing. You are engaging him in things
that you do and he Used to like doing.
My younger son went from being a happy silly 11 year old to acting like a ghoul when he was 13, 14, 15... He hardly moved his mouth when he talked, he kept his hands at his sides and when he walked around like that it was bizarre. The transformation was awful for us, we didn't know what to do with him (and of course he couldn't bear to be seen with us in public)
It was all so scary for us, it really was.

[Crankin]

Mimi, your description of your son made me laugh. This is my world every day! Although the boys usually smile a little more at school as opposed to when they are with their parents. It keeps me young, but I am ready to admit that I am glad this is my last year.
Veronica, thanks for the kind words about the Marines. I have accepted it, obviously there is nothing I can do, but I'm still pissed about it! He is very happy, and definitely didn't do it for politcal reasons, but it's really hard for anyone around to here to understand. The military is seen as an option for losers and it's a very anti-war atmosphere. I spent most of my teenage years protesting on the Boston Common. so you probably get my drift. I just want him to finish school, but now he is talking about getting into the intelligence unit, which would require a reenlistment. The longer he stays in, I think it will be harder for him to go back to civilian life. I think he really doesn't know what he wants to do; of course, I look back and think maybe he is trying to still erase his past image as a wimpy little Jewish boy! I mean, when he was little, he sucked at sports and his brother was great. It wasn't until he started cycling in 8th grade that he started turning into a super fit person. He also has the "teacher" gene and has done a lot of work with kids. I always envisioned him teaching high school history, which is a real passion for him.
Sorry about my rant, but this is something I can't really discuss with anyone, except my husband.

Robyn

[Veronica]

I think the military can be a place for losers, saw my share of those since I worked on the base. But it can be a chance to learn a lot about yourself, about other people, and hopefully some useful skill as well. Thom never went back to school. He took some classes at the community college and then we bought a house. Career wise, it hasn't hurt him. I'm sure at the time his parents were less than thrilled. He was in for six years. I'm sure your son will find his own way.

V.

[Crankin]

Thanks again, V. My one consolation, is that when he came home last month, to get ready to move to San Diego, he said," I want to take my bike." He hasn't been riding since 2003. So Steve put his bike together, tuned it, and gave him an extra pair of shoes and pedals. He went on his first ride last Sunday; 50 miles with an average of 22 I guess all of that running keeps you in shape!

[Tuckervill]

He's smart but is not living up to his ability in any arena of his life.

This part really bothers me a lot. Kids don't lose total motivation without a good reason. The reason could be developmental, which means it will pass if those around him don't force him into the "loser" role. It could be something more serious. One of my sons had something serious happen to him when he was 7 which resulted in behavior that we took him to counseling for. But we didn't find out what actually happened until he was 18, and he's never directly told us. We found out by accident. Talk about regret! I'm not saying that something bad has happened to your son, but you shouldn't ignore all the possibilities. Examine them and follow up and trust your gut.

Also, don't nag. Boys HATE nagging. Turn your expectations around to expect only positive things. The important thing is to maintain a positive relationship with your child for the long run. Things can get worse; they can piss you off worse and do worse things as they get older, and how you handle this can mean the difference between whether they come to you when they're older, or whether they stay away.

Two of my favorite books: How to Talk so Kids Will Listen...by Faber and Mazlish, and Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon. I know you have older kids, so you know it's true. They usually straighten out by the time they're 25! lol. We keep telling ourselves "They're going to be AWESOME 25 year olds!"

Karen

[Tuckervill]

" Bride is a loaded word, implying something illegal or designed to make someone do something against his or her will. What we are talking about is a positive consequence that, if you like loaded words, could as well be called a reward. By providing a positive consequence, you increase the probablity that behavior will occur. When a mother says to her child, 'If you pick up your clothes for a week, I'll take you to a movie,' is is not bribery. It is the offer of an incentive (a consequence desired by the child) in return for performance desired by the mother."

But there's a difference between natural consequences and imposed consequences. This paragraph describes imposed consequences, that really have nothing to do with picking up clothes. Having a clean floor and getting clothes in the laundry are the natural consequences of picking up clothes. Those are *desirable* consequences. I think children want the same things adults want, in their time, so I don't believe in imposed or extrinsic consequences.

There's another good book called "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn, which is about the problem with gold stars for good behavior, etc.

My ideas about this are radical and unimaginable to some people. Some of you will want to argue with me, but I probably won't. I'm just happy to be able to post the book titles, say that there is another way to look at this, and leave it at that.

Karen

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

My ideas about this are radical and unimaginable to some people. Some of you will want to argue with me, but I probably won't. I'm just happy to be able to post the book titles, say that there is another way to look at this, and leave it at that.

Karen

Smart woman, Karen! We all have differing ideas about child raising- but it's GOOD to just read and learn as much as we can about different approaches, so we can open our minds to new or not so new methods. Sometimes solutions can be therre but we can't see them because of getting stuck in patterns.

[mimitabby]

Karen,
it's easy to say "Don't Nag" but when every single thing is a fight, nagging happens. I guess chasing them with a big stick might work better.
My older son proved to us that bribes and punishments don't always work either. Kids can be pretty tough...

Lisa, we severely limited computer time with our sons, fortunately, it was still the days of dial ups and only 1 computer in the house. We didn't have the TV on much either. Younger son sold his gameboy in disgust because at 30 minutes of play time a day; he couldn't get good enough at any of the games to compete with his friends (snort )
The zombie appearance had to do with the fact that he suddenly realized the effect that he was having on others wasn't so good (he was an annoying little brat) and so he turned it all off in an attempt to fit in.
When he was old enough to take college classes, he took ASL (American Sign Language) which I think really saved his personality. You can't communicate without words and without expression.
When we saw the first video of him (actually telling a joke in ASL) we were in tears because he was so beautiful and animated again!

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

My younger son went from being a happy silly 11 year old to acting like a ghoul when he was 13, 14, 15... He hardly moved his mouth when he talked, he kept his hands at his sides and when he walked around like that it was bizarre.

Weird!!! That's exactly how DH's son behaved...complete to the hardly moving mouth when talking!! It was really hard to understand his mumbling. The sad thing is that I know 3 other boys, sons of other friends, who do this too!! They are all thin and pale, too. What's up with that? Of the 4 boys, 2 were on Ritalin for years, 2 were not.
The only one thing i see in common is that they spend a lot of time on the internet, watching movies & tv, and playing computer games. That, and they all have parents who talk in front of them about how the school doesn't keep their smarter-than-average sons interested. (This includes DH, who no longer does this of course since his son is now 21 and struggling through college.) DH's son used to blame DH when he missed school or got detention for being late- for not dragging him out of bed in time- and this was when he was 16!!!....imagine!!
Man, I feel totally blessed that I never had these problems with my 2 daughters. I feel for parents who go through this.

[KSH]

Stacie,

What positive reinforcements do you have in place for when he does what he is suppose to?

When he gets a good grade... do you reinforce it with something he cares about? Such as: "Get an A and you will earn yourself a new video game".

I know some parents say they won't do this because they are bribing their kids to do what they should want to do.

Per the book, "Analyzing Performance Problems" by Rober F. Mager and Peter Pipe (p. 81):

" Bride is a loaded word, implying something illegal or designed to make someone do something against his or her will. What we are talking about is a positive consequence that, if you like loaded words, could as well be called a reward. By providing a positive consequence, you increase the probablity that behavior will occur. When a mother says to her child, 'If you pick up your clothes for a week, I'll take you to a movie,' is is not bribery. It is the offer of an incentive (a consequence desired by the child) in return for performance desired by the mother."

What is your sons positive consequence for making GOOD grades... for RUNNING... for accomplishing a goal?