motivating my kid

[Crankin]

Stacie, how old is your son? I am a middle school teacher and he sure sounds like he might be an early adolescent. I know you said your school was bad (believe me, I have worked at some of those schools), but what kind of communicatipn have you had with them? Any feedback as to what is going on with his behavior at school, besides the low test grade? Although I might say if you are really frustrated, let the "natural consequences" take effect; failing grades, not passing classes, maybe having to retake a class, not get to do sports, or other negative things (no video games?). It sounds like he needs an organizational coach, to work on time management, using his planner, setting daily and weekly goals. You can certainly do this, but you sound really frustrated. Perhaps you could work with the school psych. or counselor. Or, there are people who do this for a living. It usually costs a bit, but a month of coaching might help you set up a program.
You should schedule a meeting with his counselor and/or team. Our first step in this situation would be to have teachers in each subject sign the daily planner and make sure all of his needed materials are in his backpack at the end of the day. Then the parent checks the planner each night, initials it and writes any comments for the teachers about issues with homework or long term projects. We also do weekly emails regarding progress. Are your school's assignments on Schoolnotes.com? It's a very commonly used web site where teachers post their work for the week. That way, you are aware in advance of what is coming up.
As far as the run goes, what are you training for? I know I never could have done any event with my kids at that age. My son who is now the super athlete, in the Marines, complained bitterly when I would ask or make him come with me to hike or x country ski, etc. He discovered the joys of cycling on his own after I stopped trying to get him involved with other things.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

I found this article last week and it seemed to make sense:
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/AmericanFa...2877896&page=1

DH's son was constantly told how smart he was and as time went on he did less and less effort and of course the school was always to blame for not being able to keep him from getting "bored". Well he eventually bored himself out of decent grades altogether and never wanted to do anything but play computer games til 3am. He almost flunked out of college several times but is improving now slightly (in his 5th year!).
I see this so much these days...

[stacie]

My son attends what I believe is the best elementary school in our city. We moved to the neighborhood so he could attend even though the house is tiny and cost twice what our other one did. Best thing I ever did for many reasons. Next year he goes to middle school. You were right on target Robyn and our neighborhood school is awful. I can get him in a school for academically advanced probably. It's a lottery and we'll know in April. He will need to be more motivated. He's smart but is not living up to his ability in any arena of his life. I realize the run may have been too much for us to do together. He opted not to do it after school with his coach and friends. He wanted us to do it together.
Robyn, I've met with his teachers and we are working together. Frankly, I think they like him so much that they let him get away with alot. I had frank discussions with them and told them that he was capable of more. They are holding him more accountable, but I don't see him responding.
I'm familiar with schoolnotes but his teachers don't use it. He's teachers are wonderful but may not be open to some of the current technological opportunities. They do keep me informed in other ways.
I am worried because if he doesnt make the grades next year he will have to go to our neighborhood school where 30% kids are testing at standard. He's capable. I just can't seem to make him care. I will talk to his school counselor tomorrow and ask about an organizational coach. Heck, I could use one of those.
Thanks for the article Lisa. I was afraid I would get alot of eye rolling because to others he seems like the perfect kid. Sounds like you experienced what I'm afraid will happen.
I appreciate the understanding. s

[annie]

Interesting article, Lisa. Pretty valid, IMHO. I've certainly seen this and have honestly tried very hard to avoid this very thing with my boys. Still, two of my boys have always been quite unmotivated, to put it mildly! Most of the things Robyn suggested, we tried. And it did help. But there is only so much a parent can do. The child eventually has to make the decision to work harder, be better prepared, etc. As a parent, it is so difficult to sit back and watch your child F-up! 'Cause some will do so and you can't prevent it. You can't give up on them. You keep believing in them. It took my oldest almost 25 years to come around and realize that if he wanted to succeed, he needed put effort into it. He's 29 now and finally has a steady job and a decent life. My two middle boys never really had a problem. They were self-motivated. My baby (he's 18 now) is more like the oldest. We are having a very difficult time with him. He was like this all through grade school and high school. He is now realizing that college is different and his old habits need to change. It's tough for him. He is in a special class in college, to teach him how to apply himself. He is doing better. I could go on and on. My point is, do what you can. Do not blame yourself if things don't go as you'd like. And don't give up. Even if it takes longer than you'd like, most likely your kid will come around and make you proud.

Hoping things work out for you!!

Annie

[mimitabby]

i had two like this.
We had to threaten one with accompanying him to school every day to get him to go to health class, which if he flunked he would not have graduated high school.

fast forward, they're adults now: the one is still a procrastinator.
The second son, who always put everything off until the last second, and got crappy grades until he was a junior in HS took charge of his life when he turned
about 16 and never looked back. Now he's a math major in college with a 3.95 GPA average.
he has to want to. good luck.

[Crankin]

It sounds like you are doing the right thing. I know it's not a big help, but my oldest son, who was perfect until 8th grade was totally unorganized and weird for most of the time he was in HS. My kids went to a very challenging public school (a "public prep" as it's called around here). The academic pressure was unreal. At any other school, both my kids would have been in the top ten perscent. They were both squarely in the middle of their classes. He only did well in the classes he was interested in, but somehow managed to obtain a B average, by doing well in just a few things. He skipped gym for a whole semester and we never found out until June... he had to go to alternative gym at the health club and slog off the miles on the treadmill and bike. I constantly had to be in contact with his chemistry and math teachers so he would do his work. It sucked, but he was motivated by extra curricular stuff, thankfully. He is now a successful adult, graduated college with honors, with just a few blips along the way. He's fluent in Italian, has traveled everywhere, has a good job, and a girlfriend. And guess what? I still see him as the kid who didn't do his chemistry homework!
Of course, son #2, AP Scholar, speech and debater, #5 junior level cyclist in USA in 2001, entered college as a sophomore, had a great first year and promptly came home and enlisted in the Marines...

[Veronica]

Thom joined the Marines after his first year of college. I was devastated. We were supposed to go to college together. I was a year behind him in school.

In retrospect it was the BEST decision he's ever made. Sorry... second best.

V.

[mimitabby]

It seems to be a very common problem with this generation of kids.
ONe thing that at least kept my kids interested in even showing up at school
was that they both were in band or orchestra. Music was the only thing my older son was passing at one point in 6th grade.
You sound like YOU are doing the right thing. You are engaging him in things
that you do and he Used to like doing.
My younger son went from being a happy silly 11 year old to acting like a ghoul when he was 13, 14, 15... He hardly moved his mouth when he talked, he kept his hands at his sides and when he walked around like that it was bizarre. The transformation was awful for us, we didn't know what to do with him (and of course he couldn't bear to be seen with us in public)
It was all so scary for us, it really was.