more sad news from bcipam...

[Geonz]

Tryin' to surround your numbness with warmth here...

[Brandi]

I am with everyone here as well! I have similar family troubles. So my heart goes out to you and your strength to keep it together! And sharing is such good therapy! My dh is now jsut understanding my need to talk about stuff. He realizes it is good forme to get it all out! Goos luck and let us know how things work out! Safe travels!

[Bluetree]

Hope everything works out, Pam.

Despite all the sad things lately, I wish you a happy birthday!

[bcipam]

=sigh= so I am now back home. I am so glad to be back home in my little apartment loving on my needy little cat who missed me and just dealing with my own petty little issues. I was suppose to leave Saturday but extended my stay out to Tuesday as my sister had just so much stuff to do. Have any idea what a mess there is to go through when someone dies? Geez! We have to reconstruct all the bills and paperwork, call everyone from creditors, to banks, to business associates. Send out death certificates etc. How does someone dealing with grief deal with all this crappy paperwork? It's almost impossible.

Anyway I believe everyone has a "spiritual" gift. Mine is counseling and discernment. But I can also put aside my emotional and deal with the task at hand. In essense I played the "heavy" all week and had to bully my sister time and time again to move in the right direction. She was so incredibly emotional I finally sat her down and asked her "why all the crying? what's the deal?" OK sure she just lost her husband and father to her kids but she also left him several months ago and did not want to be married anymore. When someone does that I assume they no longer love that person. She should have been relieved not sad that he died (sounds hard doesn't it but it's reality). I got her to admit all the fuss was about her guilt. She assumes she is responsible somehow for Greg's death. Reality check - I told her "...of course she is responsible in some ways and Greg also bare some responsiblility but all the wallowing in pity isn't going to help her and the family get over the tragedy so stop crying. Get a handle on yourself. Act with dignity and get through this".

Here's the point I'm trying to make... long ago both Greg and Mary decided to make their children the upmost priority. Now if you are a family the family is most important but the family also includes the mother and father. You cannot forsake the foundation of the marriage to make your children happy. If the foundation is not strong, the family crumbles and crumbles hard as in their case. All you moms and pops out there, yes your children are so important and should be loved and hugged and handcarried through life to adulthood but do not foresake your spouse so your children can have whatever they want. As much as possible let your spouse know they are truly loved and you cannot live without them. Even if it is not in your nature tell them you love them and not only tell them show them. A quick hug here and there is all it takes. Mary admits that after the kids got older she and Greg had nothing together. Nothing to talk about and they grew apart. Greg feared losing Mary but being such a "guy" instead of dragging them both into counseling and talking, he just got quiet and withdrew into a bottle. The real sadness about this all is that Greg's withdrawal and Mary's failure to force help cause the children to also become estranged. The oldest son (age 21) stopped talking to his mother about a year ago and most likely will always blame his mother for his father's death which he claims is due to a broken heart.

Anyway, probably TMI... I just have to say it was a long week and 1/2. Lots of tears and emotional but hopefully the healing is started. The mother and oldest son have reconnected. Part of that involves having to put down Greg's dog, a very sweet and wonderful but very old German Sheperd (Louis you were such a good dog). Very tense for both mother and son (and of course I'm the mediator) but once it was done and Louis went to be with Greg, mother and son could hug and laugh and agree to start anew. I'm this old lady who lives alone with a cat and the first part of the week was living in an apartment with my sister, her two youngest kids, her friend Paul (it was his apartment), my mother and father, my sister, and our friend Susan plus two dogs and two cats. Yes I was alittle stressed out. My sister is now in her own apartment (OK as if the stress were enough but she elected to find a new place to live and move no one wanted back in the house).

I think financially she will be OK. The Community stepped up and someone has paid for all the kids schooling (the youngest - as did the oldest - go to an expensive private school and the oldest is at UNC). People are providing counseling and financial planning. One other note I want to add... I have learned that when times are dark and bleak people will come into your life who seem to have good intentions but that's not the case. Many people have also stepped forward to prey on my sister's and her oldest's weakness and I pray they have the strength to discern who those people are. Especially the Oldest - long story but he has some real demons to battle.

Anyway since this is Valentine's Day (bah humbug!) I wanted this message to go out to all you lovers and friends as a reminder to put loved ones first but not to your own destruction. Remember most people do need to hear the words "I love you" once in awhile. Hug your kids and do what's right by them but also give them the skills to deal with adversity. Don't give them everything - let them earn important stuff and by doing so give them confidence and the understanding of gratitude. Know when to seek help when it's needed and don't ever keep secrets from friends and family. The secrets you keep today will be shouted for all to hear once you get to Heaven (or hell). If you keep secrets how will friends and family know to help? Keep safe your loved ones and do what's right by God.

Looking forward to returning to work and handling the mundane... also can't wait to ride again. I so longed for my bike!

[Veronica]

Thanks for the update Pam. I'd been wondering how things were going for you.

V.

[mimitabby]

Nice Email
You did a great job Pam.

Everyone should be lucky enough to have someone like you in their family.

[missymaya]

Hey bcipam,
Your one tough gal and it's good to hear from you, especially hearing you wanting to go foward in a positive motion. Keep hangin' in there and things will get better with time.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

BCIPAM,
Your post shows how compassionate, wise, strong and loving you are.
Keep healing and be extra good to yourself. You are an inspiration to others going through heartbreaking events.

[Ninabike]

Hey Pam, Glad you're back. Stay in touch.

Prayers, as always,
Nina

[LBTC]

BCIP, your post has me nearly speachless. I have to tell you how inspiring you are to me.

You've had a lot go on this past year in so many ways, and you've shared it with us with such patience, grace, compassion, wisdom...all the qualities that I most admire and wish to develop in myself.

Thank you for sharing these painful times with us. Now take some time for yourself to process all of this, to honour this experience, and to help yourself heal even more! You deserve the best spa day or the best most fabulous ride, whichever makes you feel more pampered!

Hugs and butterflies!
~T~