Dear So and So

[five one]

Dear male evening custodian,

Why is it you decide 4:55 pm is the right time to prop the door open and clean the only women's restroom in the building? Some of us would like to leave for our commute home with an empty tank. And I don't mean the car. We're all gone by 5:15. Why not clean then?? Sheesh .

[mary9761]

Dear Morons in referral department of my PCC/NEUROSURGERY/ETC,
Is there really NO WAY for me to be seen BEFORE April 11?? I've been told you didn't have a more current MRI than 1991. That's funny my PCC who made the referral gave ME a copy of the Open MRI I had done in DECEMBER BEFORE sending a referral to YOU in the first place.
If it will speed things up, I'll be more than glad to bring you the bloody photo copy that my PCC OBVIOUSLY was able to pull up to send home with ME! You see I really would like to have my LIFE BACK sooner than later especially if I may be needing back surgery. I don't want to have that disk slip any more in EITHER direction because besides the sciatic pain, I really don't want to end up PARALYZED waiting to see you if something happens either.
Oh, and while I'm at it, dear people in charge of making sure I get refills or not of my pain meds while I'm waiting to be seen. I'm taking the VERY minimum of meds that I can but I don't want to end up being WITHOUT meds while I have to wait nearly 3 more MONTHS to be seen by Neuro surgery so please don't give me a hassle when I call to see if you've gotten that written up for me. I don't like taking the meds because they make me STUPID, but I don't want to be in terrible pain if the effects continue to wear off of the prednisone treatment I had earlier.

[Bluetree]

Dear Bad Dog-Owner Lady,

We are fortunate to live in the area where 99% of dog owners pay attention to the pet laws. People pick up their dogs' poo, make sure they are well-socialized, keep them on leashes and stay off the beach bike path. I appreciate their efforts. We live in a clean and pet-friendly environment. So it was so unusual to see someone like you who are either completely ignorant of the laws or consciously think that the laws do not apply to you and your little darlings.

It was bad enough to see your two little yappy dogs run willy-nilly across the bike path and beachfront, chasing runners and cyclists, running up and barking menacingly to other peoples' (leashed) dogs, while you stand there weakly calling, "Please don't do that baby!" The guy with the two Rotties had a time of it calming his previously-well-behaved dogs, who didn't appreciate hyperpactive terriers running up and barking right into their faces.

It was worse when one of your little tots ran directly into the path of a streetsweeper truck, forcing me to ditch my ride and wave frantically to the driver to stop in time (luckily he did).

But the absolute worst was when you saw that one of your darlings almost get run over. You yelled out frantically to him and he ran back to you (the one time he did listen to you.) When he reached you, you responded by slapping him and scolding him, "Bad dog! Bad dog!" Sure that poor dog is poorly trained and uncontrollable. But he had NO IDEA why he was being punished. And there was no need to slap him. For all he knew, he was beein scolded for running back to you. If he was uncontrollable before, he'll get even worse. What are you teaching him... that to come when you call is a bad thing?!

I would have stopped and given you a stern talking to, except there was a large bern between us and you were out of earshot. As I rode away, I saw the guy with the Rotties stopping to chat with you. I hope he informed you of pet law and etiquette. I hope you learn how to train a dog properly, or better yet, refrain from being a dog owner. I hope I never see you or your yappy dogs on the bike path again.

[Bluetree]

Dear brand new Castelli jersey,

I'm so sorry about this morning.

I was sloppy with the snot rocket and got shrapnel all over your left sleeve. I know I am much better on my right, but I will have to work on my left-sided technique so as not to mess you up again. Snot aside, you performed admirably on your maiden voyage, keeping me toasty warm despite the dense fog cover and ocassional drizzle.

There you go into the washing machine.
I'll be waiting for you when you come out.

[Lifesgreat]

Dear boys,

P L E A S E do not bring Valentine's Day flowers to my teenage daughter. She is still my baby.

Signed,

Mama Bear

[massbikebabe]

Dear Mama Bear:

Please don't worry if my man cub shows up at your door. He spent two months worth of allowance to buy his GF roses today. He is a very handsome and loving young man. He is very good to his mother. He went out and got his mother an IPOD last year so that she could walk and listen. He calls every day after school before practice to make sure I am o.k. He does chores around the house without complaint, and cooks a mean salmon. He will make some lucky young lady a good wife.

mother of a beautiful son

[LadyinWhite]

Dear colleague:

You've known for about 5 years now that I do not like you. I don't like your arrogance. I don't like your need to insert yourself and your oh so amazing wisdom into every conversation. I don't like your incessant whining whenever you feel over worked. We are all working hard to make a living, no one, least of all me needs to hear your woe is me every time we cross paths.

Please stop trying to ingratiate yourself into my good graces. Accept the fact that I don't like you and don't want to talk to you. Nod, say good morning if you must, I will, out of pure civil courtesy sake respond with a proper greeting but then continue on your way and leave me to get through my day without being reminded of exactly why I can't stand you in the first place.

Best regards,
T.

[Velobambina]

Dear Earth -- Send us temps above freezing & some sun to melt the ice/snow/slush quickly. This February has been a killer, weather-wise, and I want to get back to riding outside regularly. While Coach Troy is surely making me stronger, I'd prefer to let the trainer rest again and to use it only occasionally.
Did Punxy Phil promise an early spring?

[Pax]

Dear White Men,

You already rule the world, please stop being such whiny winners. Every woman who does not find you witty, interesting, worthy of her time, or who does NOT want to sleep with you is not a (fill in the blank with your usual vile hate filled words). In short, get the hell over yourselves and stop acting like whiny little boys.

Sincerely,

Another woman who is tired of you.

[missymaya]

Dear Gray Matter in my skull,
Please get through this paper. All you need is 300 hundred more words on this subject and some clarification. Just get through, you'll do well. Please don't break on me! How would I get to class tonight w/o my lovely gray matter!
Please keep working 'til 8:50 pm this evening.

[Kitsune06]

Dear corporate execs, hallmark shareholders, purveyors of things cute, pink, and fuzzy:

I first want to extend to you my congratulations. Every V-day you manage to flood stores with the spoor of commercialized affection. You make it easy for someone to go buy a small gift, a token or trinket to attempt to make up for disingenuine living. You tell people that unless they receive such tokens, their partner doesn't *really* love them. You do incredible damage to the subtle natures and delicate sensibilities of those who choose to let every day be equal in amorousness... and you do damm good business as well.

But to the pith of my letter:
I regret to inform you, I will not be contributing to your business ventures. Even as I look out my window at the party supply shop, watching a woman carry a massive bouquet of balloons and jam them into her minivan, I sigh and shake my head.
There are those who protest this 'holiday' completely and refuse to acknowledge its passing...
but I feel I do it much better service by taking it at face value... with intention and not the almighty dollar in heart and mind.
Love is love, and though I rather prefer Beltaine as a celebration of Love, I'll take any other excuse I can as well. Every day should have notes of it but what an opportunity we have, twice in a year, to celebrate the tremulous joy of sharing our soul with another- the bliss of the shared experience?
And for those alone today, or unhappily committed- today is a day to celebrate love as a concept- it exists for us all, deep within us in a way no one else can touch, but is ours to give as we wish.
In closing, men in shirt and jacket with silken noose about your neck,
Good luck with everyone else.
Best regards,
Aryn
PS. If you start commercializing Beltaine, I don't know if I'd be upset or amused... but you *have* to tell people what that maypole represents, first!

[mary9761]

Kitsune ROFLMAO!!! Indeed!

[margo49]

Dear Modesty Squads in Saudi,

This week's campaign to arrest people selling decadent infidel Valentine's Day stuff or even red articles in general and to hang out undercover and arrest people for wearing red or carrying red flowers or balloons is not quite what we had in mind either.

[KnottedYet]

Dear chaotic cosmic forces,

Thanks for the chemistry!

Knot

[Aint Doody]

Dear Nincompoops who park in our business parking lot,

Please read the big sign that says the parking lot is for our customers and employees only. Do not park there and leave for an hour and then come back and complain when I've parked behind you because I had nowhere else to park. If you want to pay the taxes and the upkeep on our parking lot, we'll negotiate.