A visit to the ladies room

[chickwhorips]

Visit to the Ladies Room...

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

In this position your toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance." You reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you say, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

[DebW]

Anyone remember the person running for President in about 1976 on a platform of banning public restrooms? Oh well... he wasn't elected.

[Haudlady]

Teehee!!! That's funny.

This reminds me of the first time my niece encountered an automatic flush toilet. She kept setting it off (she's pretty little), and thought it was hilarious! She was laughing so hard that she couldn't pee! At least she didn't think it was scary. The joys of being three!

[Dianyla]

Oh man, I hate automatic flush toilets!!!! Hate them hate them hate them!!!

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

I hate them too- they always seem to flush like 3 times by the time I leave the stall- what a waste of water!!!

[chickwhorips]

i always wait to see if its going to flush, then it doesn't so i flush it, and as soon as it gets done and i turn around to open the door, it flushes again!

[SouthernBelle]

I well remember the first time I ran into one. Scared me!

Does anybody remember the old SNL skit, "The Ladies' Room"?

[Duck on Wheels]

And it's no wonder there're no seat covers in the dispenser, because the automatic flusher always flushes as you're turning around after putting a seat cover down.

[doc]

My daughter was absolutely terrified of the automatic flush. This created a LOT of tension at airports with lots of jumping up in the air mid-urination. I finally figured out the trick: I put my hand directly over the eye and then she can pee in peace. It won't flush until I remove my hand.

Ugh, and that lovely mist it sprays on you while flushing.....

[RoadRaven]

LOL @ "The Stance"

We have coined the phrase "upholstering or hovering"

I always "hovered"... always in a rush, I wanted to be in and out asap... however, pregnancy meant I became too heavy to successfully "hover" so I became a diligent "upholsterer", carefully laying TP on the seat...

[whippetgirl]

I've been there....I guess I never thought to put my purse around my neck, though (good idea!!!) I usually make my daughter hold it or something.
How about "the stance" in portapotties? that has to be the worst of all.
Especially on a hot day!

[Kitsune06]

Seriously.
For all those times you go to an outdoor venue and theres pee (or worse) all over the seat, the floor, etc etc forever and ever amen...
http://www.travelmateinfo.com/
HANDY. then just carry a little bottle of water/alcohol (or everclear/151 if it's one of THOSE venues) and rinse after use. Wipe dry. Stash in a plastic baggie. Done.

...but practice first.

[doc]

Seriously.
For all those times you go to an outdoor venue and theres pee (or worse) all over the seat, the floor, etc etc forever and ever amen...
http://www.travelmateinfo.com/
HANDY. then just carry a little bottle of water/alcohol (or everclear/151 if it's one of THOSE venues) and rinse after use. Wipe dry. Stash in a plastic baggie. Done.

...but practice first.

Have you used this item? I am intrigued.

[missymaya]

The new gym at the school I work/study at just added the autoflush toilets and even if you flinch, they flush! So they end up flushing about 10 times before your done doing your business. And they're very random too and can be quite surprising

[DebW]

There is also this method using only fingers. The learning curve is pretty steep. I haven't mastered it, but I haven't practiced all that much. Squatting in the woods seems quite natural to me, nothing to clean up, and hands stay clean if you don't wipe. Could be useful in public restrooms, though.