something i'd like to know? (re: housework)

[Thorn]

When SO moved in, my stipulation was that we would hire a cleaning service. Wonderful man that he is, SO has this ability not to see messes. This, of course, extends to things like the grass--it could be 6" tall and he would say, "oh, do you think it needs cutting?"

So early on, I bought "relationship insurance" in the form of a cleaning person. Besides the fact that she is the most wonderful person I've ever met (I mean, she leaves flowers, gives Christmas gifts to the cats, works around schedules....). As long as we're a two income family, "relationship insurance" is a requirement.

Of the things that are left, well, they just get split. Who does most? Depends upon the week and the schedules. But we both feel guilty that the other does more...so I think it must be even.

[Mr. Bloom]

Mr. Silver walks in the room...

...hears the question...

...and goes

In an abundance of judiciousness, Mr. Silver poses a question to the group before he responds (and he will respond...):

How does one differentiate expectations in the following situations:

• A couple where both parties are employed, vs.
  A couple where only one member is employed and the other is a "homemaker"

[Bikingmomof3]

Clever Mr. Silver.

I am a SAHM, so naturally I do more aroung the house while DH is off earning an income. I would say for the most part our home life is equally split. I usually have dinner ready. I was on a ban from driving, so he was picking up our 3 boys and running errands. I was cleaning, doing laundry, making lists , etc.

We have a good balance. I have the children trained well (thank goodness they are teens) so we actually all have work to do around the house.

I did not truly answer much of anything. Long post short, it all depends on the day.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

I think there are no hard and fast rules that can apply to every couple.
I think the most important thing is for there to be an agreement and discussion about what things should be done by whom. The point is that negotiation/discussion should leave an end result that is both fair & satisfactory to both people. That INCLUDES taking into account hours spent doing various things like outside breadwinning jobs, part time jobs, housework, childcare and transportation, yard work, shopping, cooking, pet care, taking out garbage, etc. All are essential work to lead our daily lives normally.

DH and I sorted it all out when we moved in together and worked out the labor sharing to our mutual satisfaction. By "labor", that includes BOTH money making work and the also essential work required to maintain the house, get and prepare food, etc. We also are happy to "cover" for each other if someone wants a break from some chore or doesn't feel well.

[Triskeliongirl]

We share the 'work' to running a home 50/50, but that doesn't mean we split all jobs equally. We both work the same amount outside the home. My husband is really good at putting good meals on the table quickly so he does that including most of the kitchen cleanup most of the time (although I do have my specialty dishes that I make), I fix the bikes and do the financial stuff for us and my in-laws, he fixes broken things around the house. We shop together, he unloads and I put away. At the moment we have a cleaning women that does most of the general cleaning and laundry, but I de-clutter and do most of the deeper cleaning, and look more after the clothes (delicates, etc.) while he carries out the heavy stuff. We plan to let our cleaning women go after our youngest leaves for college next fall, but then we'll just split her duties.

[EBD]

I am soon to begin cohabitating for the first time, and I'm nervous about this. I think it'll be ok, because we complement each other - I'm *cleaner* than he is, but he's *neater* than I am, if that makes sense. (Or, we could just go nuts over each other's flaws). But I have already discovered one good trick - from the beginning, I've always told the BF how sexy and hot I find the sight of him washing dishes. I really hammed it up at the beginning. And y'all . . . he washes the hell out of those dishes. My kitchen is often cleaner after we have dinner here than it was before I started cooking, once BF is done with the (hot, sexy) cleanup.

[mimitabby]

I am soon to begin cohabitating for the first time, and I'm nervous about this. I think it'll be ok, because we complement each other - I'm *cleaner* than he is, but he's *neater* than I am, if that makes sense. (Or, we could just go nuts over each other's flaws). But I have already discovered one good trick - from the beginning, I've always told the BF how sexy and hot I find the sight of him washing dishes. I really hammed it up at the beginning. And y'all . . . he washes the hell out of those dishes. My kitchen is often cleaner after we have dinner here than it was before I started cooking, once BF is done with the (hot, sexy) cleanup.

positive reinforcement REALLY helps. If that DH of yours JUST ONCE does a chore you want him to do more of, lavishly praise him (and telling him it's sexy is about the BEST way to do that!)

on the other hand, if there's a chore you WANT to do, just keep telling him he doesn't do it right. More guys will QUIT doing chores for that reason. Who cares if he folds the towels differently? Just let him do it and THANK HIM!

[Mr. Bloom]

...clears his throat...pauses at the prospect of being in a minefield ...and says:

I think that the basic issue comes to parity and balance. As Rocky said to his brother-in-law when asked what he saw in Adrian's - "well, it's about gaps...I got gaps, she's got gaps...we fill in each other's gaps". So, we should each provide to our strength and share the load.

Having said that, as to single income households, I sincerely feel that:

• The role of "homemaker" is undervalued by society and is often misappropriated as a servant role (you know, Archie Bunker yells: "Edith, where's my slippers...EDITH")
• Likewise, the breadwinner in a single income family is often expected to expected to burn the candle at both ends...employee all day...then taking an 'equal' share in the housework at night.

So, Mr. Silver straigthens his tie, hopes that he's not made anyone mad, and goes to the men's room to comb his hair...

[7rider]

DH and I both work - outside the home and inside the home.
In the house, we both have our "chores" - I cook, he does the dishes. I clean the upstairs, he cleans the downstairs. He does the bunnies' litter boxes, I make their salads (shhhh, I got the better half of the deal on that one!). We split laundry.
So...summary...we split. We find a way.

[emily_in_nc]

I have a somewhat unusual situation in that I am the one working full-time, and my husband is retired. He was laid off from a software design position (same thing I do) during the telecom bust of 2001, so his situation kinda segued from unemployment to retirement. Our debts were all paid off and we don't have children, so we really didn't need to make two salaries; as a result, we jointly decided that it would improve our joint quality of life to have him home, so we wouldn't have to spend all our free time after work and on weekends doing chores, errands, and projects as we'd been doing for years.

So, as a stay-at-home husband, he does about 75% of the housework, including most of the cooking, laundry, shopping, vacuuming, trash duties, bathroom cleaning etc. He has always done most of the heavier maintenance duties such as cutting/chopping wood, making/tending fires (we have a wood stove), landscaping, home repairs, filling bird feeders, etc. I do things that he just doesn't notice, like dusting, floor mopping, ironing, plant watering, straightening up, countertop wiping, putting things away, and keeping things organized in the household.

I feel kind of guilty because he does so much now, but when we both worked full-time, we were much more 50/50 with the division of labor, and I am sure we'll be that way again once I retire. For now, the way we do it works for us. He makes an attempt to get as much done during the week as possible so that we can either have fun on the weekends or do major projects that he needs my help on (we are currently tiling a sunroom floor, for example).

A lot of women I talk to seem to think our arrangement is really odd, but it works for us. As long as both people are satisfied with the arrangement so that there's no resentment, that's what counts....

Emily

[lph]

But I have already discovered one good trick - from the beginning, I've always told the BF how sexy and hot I find the sight of him washing dishes.

Funny

The sight of my dh washing floors is VERY sexy. He usually takes his shirt off, and gets all efficient and authoritarian

[Offthegrid]

I'm a bit late coming to this thread, but I wanted to add that I am always amazed, shocked and repulsed when I watch "Supernanny" or "Nanny 911" and the woman is doing EVERYTHING from sunup to sundown while the man puts in his 8 hours at the office and then plops on the couch. So she's a SAHM -- does that mean she doesn't ever deserve a break? Amazing.

Re: housework. It's one other thing that doomed my relationship with my ex. When you're in an apartment, there are no typical "man" chores such as lawn care, washing cars, etc. Finally I made him do his own laundry because I was sick of doing everything, and he would stuff the washer so full of all his clothes, then wonder why they came out wrinkled after 90 minutes in the dryer.