I really need your opinions, please

[Tuckervill]

I just wanted to say thank you, for making the world a better place.

I agree with most of the advice so far. Definitely get the necessary social agencies involved and see what help they can offer. The idea of assisted living might be much more palatable coming from them. You should also explain to them the exact conditions he is living in so they can get a clear picture. The nephew should definitely be involved as well.

Karen

[annie]

This is a wonderful thing you are doing, Sherry. There are so many people who don't have the help and friendship that you've shared. You definitely made a difference in his life!

I think you need to talk to him and tell him how much you care about him. You are concerned for his safety and health. With better care, he might not need to go to the hospital again. Bring up as many positives aspects of living with assistance as possible. Hopefully, you'll be surprised and he'll accept what you are saying. And as others have said, do involve any resources available at the hospital to speak with him about his need for better care.

Good luck! Please let us know how it turns out.

annie

[Popoki_Nui]

Thanks much for your suggestions. It is so difficult. Yes, there are hospital social workers available, as well as community healthcare agencies and so on. I know Ed; if I get an agency or social worker involved, he will feel betrayed. I will have to tiptoe around the edges of this situation until the right opportunity presents itself..
Queen's point about "if they are not at risk of harming themselves or others" is the crux of the matter. How does one know when that line is crossed? Despite Ed's lifestyle and environment, he has never had a sick day in his life until now, and he is happy. ( I visited him in the hospital last night...looks like he just has the flu or possibly pneumonia...like most everyone does this winter around here).

I am going to do something. Just not sure what, yet. I think I will ask (and strongly suggest) that he comes to my place for a week or so until he gets over whatever it is he has. Meanwhile, I can start planting a few seeds in his mind about his future care, and I can also go clean up his place so it is at least livable. That'll take a week anyway. Then we shall see what happens next.....
Thanks

~Sherry.

[mimitabby]

I correspond with a bunch of cat caretaking people. There was an elderly gentleman who had a dozen or so cats and lived pretty much in squalor like your friend. He had to go into the hospital. While he was gone, a bunch of the cat ladies got together and cleaned his place (they were feeding the cats for him while he was in the hospital. While doing so, they discovered he did not have a bed, had been sleeping on a terrible couch. So they got him a bed too.
On the other hand:
His lifestyle (squalor) is not necessarily something you should change, he's been living like this all his life, so it shouldnt worry you so much, as long as he is eating good (bring him a meal a day?) and staying healthy and warm..
Get him hooked up with the meals on wheels people?

[anakiwa]

It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of trying to help Ed.

First- involve the social worker. I don't know how it works in BC, but in this country it's often a standard part of discharge planning (he/she would show up eventually anyway). If Ed doesn't want to talk to them he can always get rid of them. He may be thinking about these things too however, and it's useful for both of you to know what the options are.

Make sure you are clear in your own mind what you are willing/able to offer Ed. If you do decide to take him home, you need to think about what will happen if you don't feel he's ready to go back home at the end of that week. (Again BC may be different, but in this country nursing home placement is a lot easier to accomplish from the hospital than it is from home.) I'm not telling you not to take him, just to make sure that you're sure what you're getting yourself into.

In the end, it's his decision. It may be easier for him to live in squalor than to lose his independence. Making sure he knows he has other options may be all you can do.

Good luck!

[Wahine]

PN - it's very good of you to help your friend like this. I have a lot of experience with Frist Nations people and they are a very proud and stoic lot. In the past I have had to discuss many uncomfortable issues with my First Nations patients and I have found that they often respond well to you laying out the facts and letting them think about their options over a night or two.

Usually, I'm discussing problems related to substance abuse with them and ways to deal with it. This is a very different situation, but one of the things I have done inthe past is contact people from the tribe to help. They can often help make suggestions on how to manage these issues in a way that is sensitive to their culture.

Thank you for helping Ed and take care.

[rocknrollgirl]

I do not have much to add to all of the great advice already give. If it were me in Ed's place, I am sure I would want all the cards out on the table. I think that W adds an additional piece by contacting members of the tribe.

I do want to tell you that I think that it is an amazing thing that you are doing. There are not enough people like you out there.

[Popoki_Nui]

In the end, it's his decision. It may be easier for him to live in squalor than to lose his independence. Making sure he knows he has other options may be all you can do.

Ya know...I think this is exactly how this situation is going to play out.

Things are not going as well as I had hoped. We have taken all the kind suggestions from this thread, as well as all the many options the Community Care program here offers, and presented them to Ed for his consideration. He has rejected every one. Nothing the community nurses, social workers, or home support workers have suggested has had any effect either. The only real success I've had is to get him to agree to have his bank pay his household bills directly from his bank account; at least now we know his lights, heat, and phone will not be disconnected because he has forgotten to pay (which happens with greater frequency lately). None of his friends, nor his nephew, has stepped up to repair his trailer, or help find him a newer one.

It is clear now that he simply cannot care for himself in any meaningful way, and utterly unable or unwilling to accept that fact. I can understand that...it can't be easy for him. I think assisted living would be the best solution for him, but that isn't going to happen anytime soon. I'm still trying to get him to agree to Meals-On-Wheels, and occasional visits by a nurse, as well as my usual visits/meals/cleaning, at his place.

Sooo...I think he is going to have to go back to living as he was before, alone and in squalor, until he comes to the same conclusion the rest of us have. I just hope he makes that realization before it's too late.

Gee...that was a bit of a ramble. Sorry....frustration. Thanks again for all your suggestions, I really appreciate them. I'll probably post one last update later this week when Ed is scheduled to return home.

~Sherry.

[Pax]

We had an older homeless woman here in town who refused ANY offer of help for years and years, she eventually declined to the point where she met the criteria for involuntary placement into an assisted living facility. She was angry and miserable for the first month but eventually realized that the comforts of having good food and a clean warm bed were kinda nice, she started to enjoy her new place and remained there happily until she passed away three years later. Hopefully your friend will be able to find such a placement when he's no longer judged capable of self-care.