Child Placement - any attorneys here?

[doc]

Ugh. Dar I am so sorry you and your son have to go through this. It is so destructive. Definitely go to a women's resource center. You can start by contacting women's shelters if you can't find anything else. Hopefully they can hook you up with a low cost but very knowledgable attorney. Definitely don't try to do this without professional help.

Good luck and I hope this works itself out soon

[Tuckervill]

Dar, I think the advice for a lawyer is right on track. But I have another perspective that hasn't been addressed. First let me say that I divorced my first husband after 4 years and 2 kids. Those two are now grown, and they have shared with me some of their perspective of their growing up years. Second, if your son is in anyway vulnerable to abuse or neglect by being with his dad, adjust this advice accordingly.

I was adamant to make our divorce and custody issues as nondisruptive to their lives as possible. I don't have any problems with him. He paid child support and took the kids when it was his turn and was flexible with the arrangements. We didn't argue. It truly worked out quite well. BUT...

My kids still suffered. I eventually remarried and moved with them 6 hours away. They had a much better life and opportunity as a blended family than with me a poor single mother, and they love their stepdad, so I don't regret getting remarried. However, every 3rd week we drove them back home to see their dad, and it was brutal. Fortunately we only did that for a couple of years, but we were still 150 mies away after that.

My kids have said that they wish we had lived closer to their dad all through their childhoods. Not being able to go see him whenever they wanted was hardest when they were 8 and 9. I wish I had known this. There are lots of other things I wish I had known. We eventually did move back near their dad, and they were so grateful! But by then they were teens and the distance they naturally craved as teenagers was intensified. They needed their dad then more than ever, but they didn't feel so connected, you know? It breaks my heart to hear them reveal their perspective on that time. I didn't know. I couldn't know. I wish I'd known.

I'm sorry your son's dad is such a jerk. But he is your son's dad, and for your son's sake, do everything you can to facilitate the relationship while you still have the power to do so. If there is any way possible to live closer to him, I'd advise you to find that way. Your son will only be a child for a short time. If you blink you will miss it. Far be it for me to suggest you don't sacrifice for him, but maybe you can do a little more, by moving closer. Just for a time.

Good luck with the legal aspects.

Karen

[mimitabby]

gee, Karen
such wise words. My parents divorced when I was 6. I won't go into all my sad story, but you are absolutely right. The children always suffer.

[mtbdarby]

Karen, I appreciate your perspective and believe me - I've thought of that and often. I hate to admit this, but my biggest fear is MY safety. An alcoholic always has one person they feel the need to dump on and with him it's me. The police by him really don't care to deal with this domestic stuff, even though it's their job, but it's a bigger city and they have bigger fish to fry. They refused to deal with the harrassing phone calls - I had the department by me deal with it. If he wasn't an alcoholic, I never would have moved up here in the first place.

I am SO much happier up here! I have moved a half hour closer to him and asked him to move a half hour closer as well when he sold the house (which puts him closer to his work and in a cheaper to live county) and he refused. Up here he's close to my family and my ex's family so he gets to see them often, which he wouldn't get to do if we lived in Madison. For now we will stay here. Maybe in the next couple years, after my doggies are gone, I will consider moving closer. For now, we're doing the best we can with what we have.

[mimitabby]

The sad part of this is that in these situations, the person who usually wins is the lawyer. And you need one. I hope you find a big protective boyfriend soon too. This is really scary stuff. Hey, maybe a big protective LAWYER boyfriend?

[ridethewind]

The sad part of this is that in these situations, the person who usually wins is the lawyer.

Actually, that's not true. There's no money to be made in handling cases like this. In many situations, the lawyers are lucky to get paid in full. Usually, neither party has a lot of money. I handled many such cases and frequently did not break even, particularly when I represented the woman. Sometimes, I took a case knowing that I would likely not get paid for the time I put into it because the woman needed help and she could not afford to pay what a lawyer would normally charge. There ARE lawyers out there who care and who are not just in it for the money.

[KnottedYet]

"the children always suffer"

Dar - my biological parents divorced when I was very young. In my case, the distance between them was not enough. It was an ugly ugly criminal situation. And the kids suffered. In a bad way.

If you have any concern that your son's care while at his dad's is less than adequate, please do all you can to protect him. If you are fearing for your safety from this man, does his behaviour reflect on your kid's safety also?

[donnambr]

I hate to admit this, but my biggest fear is MY safety. An alcoholic always has one person they feel the need to dump on and with him it's me.

I've never been married, never had children, but I did grow up in a home with a parent who was an alcoholic and drug abuser. I can't give you any specific advice about the legal aspect, but the idea of someone that young living (alone?) full time for such a long period with an alcoholic gives me cold chills. Right now, you may be the only person that your alcoholic ex dumps on, but sooner or later, it'll be your son, too. I think that kind of stuff hurts a young psyche far more than someone fully grown, you just may not hear about it until your son is older. I wish you all the best in protecting him from the brunt of that.

[Irulan]

just because he's an alcoholic, does not mean he's evil, just that he has an addiction. That per se isn't grounds for bad parenting but driving and supervising under the influence, and neglect due to being under the influence are. So document incidences, and then look into support groups for people who have to deal with alcoholics, like al-anon - it's free, and it's a great program.

~I.

[mtbdarby]

Actually, that's not true. There's no money to be made in handling cases like this. In many situations, the lawyers are lucky to get paid in full. Usually, neither party has a lot of money. I handled many such cases and frequently did not break even, particularly when I represented the woman. Sometimes, I took a case knowing that I would likely not get paid for the time I put into it because the woman needed help and she could not afford to pay what a lawyer would normally charge. There ARE lawyers out there who care and who are not just in it for the money.

RTW - oh, they got paid in full. It was their priority to make sure of that. I was neither impressed with the attornies nor family court and the guardium ad lietum about them putting my sons best intersest at stake. Family court and the GAL couldn't even be bothered to make sure my ex followed court orders - even when presented with evidence the he didn't and his own admission - in their prescense - that he wouldn't follow them. I know all attorneys aren't bad and the system is over worked, yadda, yadda, just don't get me started with the ones I had to deal with, 'K?

Irulan, I am an al-anon member. I never said he was evil either. He can be a very good dad when he wants to be, our son just hasn't been his priority. His #1 beef with the entire experience is that he has to pay child support. I called his bluff. I told him he could have him for a month this summer on a trial basis, but that I checked and they most likely wouldn't change his child support payments. Haven't heard from him since and he wouldn't talk to me when we exchanged ds this weekend.

Knot, thanks Hon. That's why I live up here I have no choice but to trust he will remain sober when he has our son - it's out of my control. I am a documenting fool and if he screws up he pays the consequence. My son's safety is my first priority.

I'll keep you guys posted on this. Thanks for sharing your experiences and advise everyone!