Update: I finally tuned up Simon (the G. Vettor) to trade him in at the used bike store.

The fellow working took one look at Simon and said, "yeah... I'm sorry, but that bike isn't really worth anything. George Vettor is still a legend around here, but the gearing system on those bikes wasn't properly designed. I might take the stem and front rim, but other than that it's scrap."

I was elated! He was going to take the horrendous thing off my hands, cut it into pieces and throw it into the bike graveyard where it belonged!

Ended up with a used Miyata from the 80s with gears that'll actually get me up the hills. It's all steel, but much lighter, more responsive, easier to handle--and hell, I can actually PUSH THE PEDALS!

Thanks for the advice, everyone! I promise upon promise I'll take mint care of this one.