Not sure I should even post this.

[kelownagirl]

So sorry Raindrop. There's nothing more I can say that hasn't already been said but you are in my thoughts...

[ridethewind]

Raindrop...my condolences on the loss of your beloved brother. Give yourself time to heal and allow your friends and family to help you through this awful time. I'll be thinking of you.


__________________
Jean

[Raindrop]

I'm in awe and humbled by all of your responses. They do help me because I can feel the caring behind all of your words. And, those that shared their own personal grief, thank you for what I am sure, brings up some of those awful feelings that are right on my surface now.

It does help that I can confide in cyberspace because right now, my face-to-face encounters are painful and especially with the people that express their condolences...tearfull.

I really do thank you all. I just needed to share some of my pain in a space that I've always felt had nothing but support. This site is so perfect because of that.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

It does help that I can confide in cyberspace because right now, my face-to-face encounters are painful and especially with the people that express their condolences...tearfull.

I really do thank you all. I just needed to share some of my pain in a space that I've always felt had nothing but support. This site is so perfect because of that.

This is a safe place full of gentle loving women, where you can say whatever is on your mind or in your heart, anytime.

I so understand that avoidance of face-to-face-encounters. It's triply hard when the death is not of natural causes. I remember long ago when my brother died, my mother just could not deal with people's questions and concerns. When we would run into an acquaintance on the street and theywould ask about my brother, for a whole year she would simply say "He's fine, thanks."- because she could not bear to explain what happened or hear their awkward shocked condolences.
I don't blame you for trying to avoid that right now. I'd do the same. Better to be with closer friends and family who understand and are grieving themselves.
Just know that through all the roller coaster of feelings and changes you will go through about this, that your love for your brother and his love for you will not change one bit. Nothing can change that.

[makbike]

Raindrop, I can't image what you and your family are going through at the moment or what you will face in the future for the pain must be unbearable. Cherish your wonderful memories of your brother and please take care of yourself. Know the members of this forum are always here for you and sometime simply having someone to talk to is all that is needed to help one through a tough time. Please talk to us and know thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[newfsmith]

Raindrop, you will never feel the same again, but you will feel alive and whole again, and able to enjoy life. You will always remember the things about your brother that you loved, and the things that you were angry at him for will eventually not anger you. The "why" is always hard to come to grips with, no matter how your loved one died, but it is part of your grief work.
My brother was killed in a mine accident when I was in college. I didn't have grief counseling then, it hadn't been invented yet. Since I didn't do a particularly good job of working things out then, it set me up for a long period of depression as an adult. Since you are having trouble facing people when discussing your loss, you may find it helpful to find a support group for the families of suicide victims. Hearing others talk about their feelings, and stages of working through their loss may help you see that it is not an impossible task, but is a long process.
Be very kind to yourself, and let people give you a hug. You deserve it. I'm very sorry for your loss.

[bambu101]

Raindrop, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I realize that it is unbearably painful right now, but time will help, and someday, you will allso be able to think back on the good times with your brother. Sending big hugs to you.

[Haudlady]

Oh, Raindrop... I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. What a sad and overwhelming loss for you and your family. I hope you will give yourself permission to be gentle with yourself through the emotions and challenges.

I am thinking of you.

[mtbdarby]

Raindrop, ((hugs)) and shared tears with you during this aweful time. My niece has attempted suicide many times and is still with us but I agree with those that have gently reminded you this was his choice, ill-begotten as it is. I wish you healing thoughts as you deal with the pieces he has left behind. We're hear if you ever need to "talk". Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

God Bless,

[slinkedog]

Oh, dear Raindrop! I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss and grief. My hopes for healing and peace are with you. May you be blessed.

Shannon

[maillotpois]

Oh Raindrop - of course you should post your feelings and thoughts about this here. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling, but I hope that talking about this with folks here, and perhaps a grief counsellor, will help you to heal. I thought Denise's suggestion was great - use the quiet bike time, when you're ready, to just let yourself meditate and think about your brother.

Take care of yourself.

[solobiker]

Raindrop, I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are in my thoughts. I don't want to offend anyone, but I want to thankyou for posting this. I have been in a very bad place in my life in the past couple of months and the past few weeks have been unbearable. I have to admit I thought about things like that, which scared the you know what out of me. Lucky for me i have a few vey close friends who I have been able to talk with. I am slowly pulling my self out. Today, I work as an occupational therapist with the geriatric population, one of my patients said something that brought a smile to my face. mind you he is a big 6'4 350 pound guy. He always has a smile for me. Well anyway he said to my "you have everything" with a smile on his face and I said what do you mean? his relpy was "whatever you want" and you know,, he is right. I will pull through this eventually. Raindrop once again, I am so sorry for your loss, but thanks for posting because we all can support you in your time of need. All my thoughts Q

[Katiek]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss and amazed at the strength you've shown so far. I also want to echo the people who have said how important it is that you don't second guess yourself and wonder if you could have done something else. You couldn't. Depression is an illness as real and deadly as any physical ailment.

I know the pain seems unbearable and at this stage all you can do is try all you can to get through the next day. Mourn and grieve in your own way and don't worry if it doesn't seem like you're going through the "right" stages or if you're on the "right" timeline. Eventually, the pain will lessen and it will be easier to focus on the good things about the time you shared.

I don't know you in person, but I hope you know how much support you have here and I hope you come and share your thoughts whenever you feel it would be helpful.